All this week the Mercury's been coming up with our lists of "Things Not Invited Back" for the coming year. From Bluetooth headsets to bald crotches to vegetarianism, we've dropped the hate far and wide, telling all those and more to kindly leave on the 2005 they rode in on. So, naturally, this extends into the music section.
Below is my list of bands not invited back. They're all national bands, though, because any Portlander that so much as glances at a mic or an instrument is good people by me.
Pearls and Brass—You're not Black Sabbath. You'll never be Black Sabbath. You will be as you've always been: hook-less, C-rate stoner rock.
!!!—Dudes, your own side project, Out Hud, rendered you irrelevant and unnecessary this year. Look at it this way, you don't see Neanderthals roaming around now that Homo sapiens are here, do you?
Ryan Adams—Curious as I am to watch how fast Ryan Adams downward spirals into becoming the new Elton John, I'd rather not hear from him in 2006. Thanks. Good-bye. And don't forget your fake nerd glasses, nerd.
Sir Elton John—Hey Elton, you're a Disney-fied fossil. I wish your old Donald Duck costume from the '70s would come back from the dead and throw holy water on you.
The "reunited" Germs featuring ER actor Shane West—!!??!!
Broken Social Scene, Fall Out Boy, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, LCD Soundsystem—Overrated. Big hype. Not enough good ideas, passion, and/or originality to back it up.
Weezer—Grown men making bored-sounding, unmanly, un-dynamic, cutesy, vague-lyric'd songs for 16-year-old girls... that shit gives me the creeps.
Gwen Stefani—Why do I feel like I'm being sold to whenever I hear a new Gwen Stefani single?
Now, on a positive note, lemme bookend this with a quick list of great (again, national) bands invited to make as much beautiful music as possible in 2006: BARR, Castanets, Jana Hunter, Joanna Newsom, the Hold Steady, Lil' Kim, Kings of Leon, Make Believe, Like Birds, Common, Vicente Fernández, Talib Kweli, Jolie Holland, Lady Bic or Boxcutter, Xiu Xiu, R. Kelly (our day's Homer, only with a piss fetish), CocoRosie, Sufjan Stevens, Ted Leo, Tilly and the Wall, Arturo en el Barco, Wolf Eyes, Grizzly Bear, Shane MacGowan, Some Girls, Mary J. Blige, TV on the Radio, Ludacris, Wooden Wand & the Vanishing Voice, and Akron/Family.
Who'd I leave out? email@example.com