THE LAST OF THE JUANITAS, with their chaotic, instrumental, narrative rock, effortlessly sidestep the pretentiousness of less skilled musicians--yet kick so much more ass. Back from their fifth U.S. tour, they're looking for some loving, and after an old school chill at the Jockey Club, they're at least going to get it from me.

J=John Schier, drummer/male prostitute

M=Maurice Giles, guitarist/chill dawg

L=Lana Rebel, bassist/western enthusiast

How'd you hook up?

M & L: We moved together from Arizona with our old drummer who ended up having to move back. Then we played with some dude's cousin for a while. He was bad with time signatures and was asking us to dumb down some of our guitar riffs, which sucked.

M: I would have tolerated it if he'd at least hit the drums hard.

L: Yeah, he had lightning bolts on his drums too, which should have been a sign.

M: Johnny was a friend of a friend that we met at the Star Bar in San Diego. He was playing with a pop band for money, and was looking to play instrumental rock, which is what we play.

Where'd you get the name?

L: From a bottle of hot sauce. You can get it here. It's Juanita's brand of Mexican food products. Our roommate Dylan was eating breakfast and used the rest of the hot sauce and said "that's the last of the Juanita's."

Are you looking to become big time rock stars?

L: If we don't ever play on MTV I'll kill myself.

Is rock music the only kind of music you play?

L: We play country and western too. We have a tape.

M: Yeah, we play both country AND western. Johnny plays in the Cosmos Group, too, and they're kind of jazzy.

J: They're not jazzy, don't say that.

Do you play drunk?

M: Pretty much all the time.

Wacky tour stories?

M: In Rapid City, SD we played a farm house in the basement. As the show was winding down, the mom came down into the basement and said "Show's over," while holding a shotgun. They were these crazy, Y2K-prepared people with a bunch of generators and dried beans.

Matt Zaffino: Like him or hate him?

M: I don't feel either way about him, one thing I will say about news in Portland is that I hate Eric Schmidt. What's that he said, "Portland's music scene is hot, and their cool blues singers even hotter." He should stab himself with something.

Anything else?

J: Did you know that by the end of your life, your mouth will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools? Oh, and did you know that they're using leeches again in medicine, and when the leeches are done sucking they leave the Mercedes Benz logo?

L: Can I throw in a shameless plug? Christmas is right around the corner, and if anyone wants me to do a velvet painting, they're 50 bucks. E-mail to lastofthejuanitas@hotmail.com.

Many people have said to me, "I've heard the Last of the Juanitas rock, but I've never seen them." Well, range ropers, it's time to take advantage before they flee to the south and turn country and western for good.