Once again I brave the perils of the web to gaze longingly at the penis of an emo bass player and shoot digital jump shots over the digitized bald head of that guy from Built to Spill all to bring you the latest in online time wasting. This column is killing me.
Naked Photos of Fall Out Boy (just Google it, they're easy to find)
The MySpace-esque self-nudes from Pete Wentz, the talentless bass player of mall emo kingpins Fall Out Boy have been making the rounds on the net for a while now. He's not an "emo Tommy Lee" as the initial hype had it; Wentz is giving himself quite a generous angular tug (the penis equivalent of sucking in your gut) in the snaps, which were allegedly stolen from his Sidekick by a (ex) pal. Oops.
Built to Spill JAMS! (builttospill.com/jams)
If you're anything like me, you've always wanted to play some one-on-one hoops with bearded Built to Spill frontman Doug Martsch, but always wondered how to do it. Well, stop wondering and start shooting! The incredibly odd "JAMS" is an online game where you listen to Built to Spills new single as you fire away jump shots against an Atari-looking Martsch. The game is sort of like NBA Jam, but way less exciting. I shot 15 airballs in 30 seconds. Hey, that's better than Darius Miles!
Kevin Federline (myspace.com/kevinfederlineforreal)
I know, making fun of Federline is nothing new, but thanks to K-Fed himself (or possibly a K-Fed impersonator) his new "single" is now widely available for streaming via MySpace. You can even add our generation's rapping Tom Arnold as your friend! As a song, "Strictly for the Haters" is as bad as you can imagine, touching on K-Fed's beef with US Weekly, name-dropping Fresno, and bragging about selling a million records, which is odd since K-Fed has sold zero copies of his nonexistent record, but hey, dare to dream, buddy. Also, titling his song "Strictly for the Haters" is going to be a tough sell, since last time I checked everyone in the world hates Federline. He might as well have called it "Strictly for Every Human Being, Ever. Except My Wife."
Kurt Cobain Doll (necaonline.com)
"Based on his appearance in the video for 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' this Kurt Cobain action figure includes his guitar, rendered in painstaking detail, and part of the gymnasium floor as his base." Um, okay, and who asked for this? Looking at the tragically grunge action (what action?) figure, it comes off less sacrilegious than it could have been, but still seems quite unnecessary. No word on dolls from Layne Staley or Blind Melon's Shannon Hoon (complete with Bee Girl sidekick), but I'm sure they're coming soon.
iPod Nintendo Controller (flickr.com/photos/technicolorcavalry)
Okay, this is just too damn cool. An iPod Shuffle and an old-school NES controller combined in one workable device. What's a mid-20s person with expendable income to do? Well, not buy one, for starters, since this is a one-of-a-kind design that someone made and posted photos of online. But it can be done, in fact, this model uses the NES buttons to operate the iPod (up/down on the controller changes the volume), so hop to it and make yourself one, MacGyver.