BLACK EYED PEAS They're the Spin Doctors of rap!
WHAT MOST SETS us here at the Mercury apart from the vast majority of our peers is the youthful exuberance with which we approach our day to day lives. And while to the rest of the world this may appear a little like the quiet desperation of aging hipsters still trying to look cool to the kids, in reality, we approach life with the sort of spring in our step that only the truly youthful can appreciate. To prove it, we've decided to take a look at what the kids are watching these days on the MTV, and hit you up with our refreshing take. Our conclusion? Music videos are WICKED AWESOME!

Jessica Simpson
"These Boots Are Made For Walking"

Were this a review of Jessica Simpson's rendition of the unfuckwithable classic Hazelwood/Sinatra song, I might be moved to question Simpson's crass Dukes Of Hazzard-centric lyrical re-evaluation--that is, if I could understand a single fucking word coming out of her mouth. Coupling her familiar slack-jawed yokel vocal delivery with the ridiculously effected Southern drawl of her Daisy Duke character (wait… doesn't she already have a Southern accent?), Simpson effectively channels Nell for three and a half minutes, and not even Willie Nelson seems to be buying it. As for the video--shit is simply amazing. The premise is simple: Jessie works as a waitress in a rough-and-tumble local saloon in dire need of a stripper pole, fights the law with her pelvis, exploits a clearly senile country legend, and line-dances with a small army of Hooters waitresses--all the while thrusting her "double-Ds" with enough bar slut tenacity to make papa Joe proud. The video climaxes (ahem) with selected scenes from Simpson's failed Carl's Jr. audition reel. ZP

Mike Jones
"Back Then"

Hey big name corporations! Pay special heed to current "it" rapper Mike Jones' marketing tactics, because this former nobody has become America's best known rapper thanks to a devilishly simple advertising technique: repeating his name at least 15 times in the breakout video for Back Then. An ode to the ironic foibles of fame, MIKE JONES!! laments that "back then hoes didn't want me/now I'm hot, hoes all on me." In the video, this sad truism is visually demonstrated via flashbacks, as MIKE JONES!! is repeatedly and cruelly rebuffed by amply buttocked women--until he repeats his name 15 times and magically becomes famous. Then, these very same women are suddenly falling head over booty for the upwardly mobile, diamond-toothed MIKE JONES!! practically begging to "count [his] cheese" and "smoke [his] weed." WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY!!

Black Eyed Peas
"Don't Phunk With My Heart"

With the ridiculousness of its hook matched only by the sheer stupidity of it's title, I had some serious reservations about the potential of Black Eyed Peas' latest video, but after the fifth time MTV played it in the span of an hour, "Don't Phunk With My Heart" revealed itself to be the song's perfect compliment. Sure, the cheeky, dating game premise is a little staid--but what's important here is the seasoning, not the meat. Essentially a big, bright, ugly mess of a video, "Phunk" serves the song's garish vision flawlessly--a perfect Fanta commercial for the B.E.P.'s disgustingly saccharine sound. Brilliant! ZP

Britney Spears
"Someday (I Will Understand)"

Because I was raised up right, I want to make it clear that the following review is in no way meant to be poking fun at a pregnant woman--even if her engorged mid-section does make Britney Spears something of an easier target. That said, Ms. Spears' one-off attempt to exploit the grace inherent in her current state of bun in the oven-ness (pregnant fat versus Frappuccino fat) is hardly career saving--the blinding, public plummet of Spears' star can hardly be reclaimed by a single classy black and white photo album of satin-covered belly shots--but you can't blame her for trying. Still, Britney's past the point of being able to slink seamlessly between her long-abandoned persona--the controlled, strong, semi-tasteful Spears who sold millions of records, made-out with Madonna, and dated Justin Timberlake--and the acne-d, 23-year-old lunatic we all know and love. It's gonna take more than a Federline-filled stomach to spackle up that mess. ZP