Ezra Ace Caraeff
Hank Williams III

Wed Jan 22 Dante's

If part of being a rock critic is pissing folks off, I just earned my Audience Aggravation badge.

Back in October, I reviewed Hank Williams III's Lovesick, Broke, and Drifting (Curb) for Anti-Complacency.org. Besides detailing how hard the music sucked, my central thesis was that Hank's marketing is shamefully macabre. Stripped of fancy-pants buzzwords and R.I.Y.L (Right If You Like) cliches, his hype revolves around the man's "romantically" self-destructive lifestyle--which led me to believe if Hank were to succumb to his excesses, his behind-the-scenes team would pop a GIANORMOUS boner because they'd have themselves "country music's Kurt Cobain" and sales, subsequently, would go through the roof.

And, yeah, I should probably admit, I sketched out a suicide scenario in glorious, Gwar-like detail. It was outrageous. It was half-bright. For those few paragraphs, I was the Andrew W.K. of rock writers. And that was what doomed me.

Fast-forward two months. Somebody finds the review and posts it on Hank's message board. (Actually, it's called the "Cussin' Board"--if you can see where this is going.) The next few days were filled with email death threats, racist slander on the message board, and their honest-to-god search for my address, so the self-professed "Hellbillies" could kick the shit out of little ol' "Communist hippy trash" me.

But enough of that. I'll let their words tell the story.

From: "Robbie"

Subject: hey dumb fuck

Adam Gnade, I usually don't waste my time with stuid shit like this but your opinion on Hank lll is wrong. I'll make this short go fuck your self but you proably can't do that because your dick's to short.

From: "C. Mooney"

Subject: Hank III

Opinions are like assholes and yours is the worst I've ever read!

From: "Six"

Subject: Hank III

You sound corporate to me. If you don't like Hank's hillbilly sound then "hey man go fuck you!!"

From: "Stephanie"

Subject: here's some hatemail for ya..

Next time try to write about something you're more experienced with. I'm sure you've spent loads of time in the bathroom with Tim McGraw bent over. Write about that.

From: "Raina"

Subject: RE: hatemail

Ah, the curse of racial awareness. I saw something in your "review" that my less astute fellow fans seem to have missed--your rabid hatred of Whiteness. Tell me, Adam, are you a Jew? Your language, thinly veiled hostility towards White culture, and scatological references (not to mention that nose of yours) just scream "Jude!"

I'll have no part in your disgusting, feces-obsessed, sado-masochist, twisted fantasies, thank you. I'm not a Jew. Your Jewishness was just so obvious that I couldn't resist writing for confirmation. And this response of yours--oh boy! Your oh-so-original tactic of relying upon the mere mention of an imaginary holocaust in an attempt to silence me confirmed it just as well.

I am indeed a Nazi, both by blood and by political philosophy, and feel no shame in my heritage, so feel free to cry "Nazi" all the way home. You, on the other hand, were tremendously offended when confronted with your tribal affiliation. Interesting. Farewell, Jude, I have nothing more to say to you.

(from the message board)

Bigdad: What I want to know is why the sniper didn't kill this fuck.

Hank Williams III: Cash reward for his home address.

Bigdad: Wonder how loud an SKS would be if rapid fired up this asshole's asshole.

Hank Williams III: You can tell this guy is a stright edge political type fuck.

Bigdad: Communist hippy trash.

B: I'll keep my eye out for him. But here is the problem, he looks exactly like every other wannabe rocker fag in Portland.

L.D.: If you look like a fag chances are ...you are.

Craig: You know he's a fucking Queer!

J.L.C.: I say we hunt him down and buttfuck him to a Menudo record!

Jonwayne: his opinion is like my asshole, it stinks and needs a beatin.,

Chickentrucker: This idiot needs a fuckin' brain transplant 'cause he's been livin under a fuckin' rock in the middle east or something

L.W.P: I'll hurt him for free, but I'll snuff him for the right price.

Southpaw: What a fuckin hack. Word to the not so wise, though. Freedom of speech or not ... making death threats whether kidding or otherwise in a public forum = fucking stupid.