LOOK, I'M PATIENT. As one of the few women in the Justice League boys' club, I kinda have to be. But this constant "Batman v Superman" bullshit has gotten on my last goddamn nerve! For TWO LONG WEEKS this stupid column has been devoted to either Superman's tantrums about how Batman hurt his widdle feelings or Batman's constant need to convince everyone he has a dick of steel. (Trust me, he does not.) GUYS! While you two idiots are trying to out-piss each other, there is actual important shit happening in the actual world—especially to those who aren't white men in tights. For example!
• Oh, you think Lex Luthor's a problem? I have two words for you: DONALD TRUMP. Yes, they're both insane megalomaniacs intent on the destruction of humanity—but only one of them believes women should be punished for having an abortion! When was the last time either of you superpowered chumps stood guard over an abortion clinic? No need to check the bat-computer, because the answer is NEVER.
• You guys never stop fighting over who gets to be boss of the Justice League—but have you ever heard of a little thing called "gender equity"? News flash, morons: In America today, only 16 percent of women have executive roles in corporations. There's a reason I'm not the one running the Justice League, and it's not because I'm too busy flying around in my super-cool invisible plane—it's because of an invisible ceiling.
• And what about the wage gap between male and female superheroes? Granted, you've both been too busy losing breath-holding contests with Aquaman to show any interest, but American women working full time make only 79 percent of what their male counterparts are paid. Don't believe me? Ask Lois Lane, jerkoffs!
• The lack of respect female superheroes receive is freaking absurd. If it's not the repeated cat-calling from supervillains on the street (no, Joker, I will NOT "smile" while arresting you), it's the near constant Superman-splaining. I can't even throw my Lasso of Truth without Green Lantern saying, "Hey, I saw a lasso in a movie once! Here are some pointers." Thanks, but I've got this, super douche.
• Do you EVEN REALIZE the constant emotional labor it takes for women to intervene in the daily drama of insecure men? I could be performing my job—WHICH IS SAVING LIVES, BTW—instead of playing nursemaid to self-esteem deprived man-boys fighting each other in spandex. SPEAKING OF WHICH: Why do male superheroes get the comfortable outfits, while we're stuck in swimsuits? UN-BE-LIEVABLE!
I wonder if the X-Men are hiring.