Ryan Alexander-Tanner

LAST WEEKEND, Hulk text Captain America! "Captain America!" Hulk text. "What you doing this weekend? Want 2 hang out?" Captain America text Hulk, "Sorry, buddy, I've got other plans."

That okay.

So Hulk text Iron Man! "Iron Man!" Hulk text. "What you doing this weekend? Want 2 hang out?" "Hey Hulk," Iron Man text. "I'm not feeling so hot, so I'm staying in. Next time, pal!"

That okay too. Hulk know when Tony Stark say he "not feeling so hot" it code for "alcoholic Tony Stark have hangover." COLOR HULK SHOCKED!

So THEN Hulk text Ant-Man. "Ant-Man!" Hulk text. "What you doing this weekend? Want 2 hang out?" "New phone, who dis?" Ant-Man text back. Ant-Man think him funny, but Ant-Man just rude. Besides, Hulk know Ant-Man have same old phone forever.

Hulk have nobody to hang out with. Everybody too busy for Hulk. Like usual.

BUT THEN HULK FIND OUT WHAT EVERYONE DOING! They all am in new movie Captain America: Civil War! But guess who NOT in new movie? HULK! Guess who got left out? Again! HULK!

Therefore! Hulk quit Avengers! ("C'mon, don't be like that," Ant-Man text later. Hulk text back, "NEW PHONE WHO DIS!!!") Hulk now have lots of spare time. So Hulk find new hobbies! Hulk list them now!

• Hulk go door to door to get word out for Green Party president candidate Jill Stein! Actually, Hulk VERY opposed to Jill Stein's policies. Hulk more of libertarian, if Hulk honest. But Hulk feel it important to have first green president.

• Hulk get caught up on Broad City. Bevers Hulk favorite!

• Hulk put Raid Ant Bait on Ant-Man's porch.

• Hulk now collecting cool fedoras from Target!

• Hulk hang around Civil War screenings and offer to sign autograph. No takers yet.

• Hulk join Nextdoor and ask lots of questions to puny neighbors offering free piece of drywall.

• Hulk develop new artisanal version of Bubble Yum.

• Hulk text Ken Burns and offer to star in Civil War documentary sequel!

• Ken Burns text "New phone, who dis?", so Hulk have OWN Civil War! Hulk go to costume shop and rent XXXL "Southern General" costume! Hulk fly Confederate flag from back of Hulk recumbent bike! Hulk get lots of weird looks? Hulk think maybe Hulk doing Civil War wrong.