PORTLAND, OR—A Portland man has been identified as possibly the first person in the nation to be "annoyed as shit" by the new popular phone game, Pokémon Go.
The Nintendo game, currently being played by millions around the world, allows users to "capture" Pokémon characters via red-and-white "Poké Balls." Since its recent debut, the game has become immensely popular, and has inspired a seemingly endless number of newspaper and blog articles in an effort to boost readership. Portland's local daily newspaper, the Oregonian, reportedly even hired a millennial specifically devoted to the "Pokémon beat," tasking her to write at least 34 Poké-based stories a day.
Though universally beloved, one person is less than impressed. Doug Brown—a 27-year-old Portland resident and reporter for the Portland Mercury newspaper—has broken his silence. During an emotional Mercury editorial meeting Brown announced he is "annoyed as shit" by Pokémon Go, and has been since Tuesday July 12, 7:30 pm.
"I really can't stand this stupid game," Brown told a flabbergasted group of seasoned reporters who couldn't believe what they were hearing. "It was annoying enough when I saw full-grown adults posting about it unironically on social media. But then the news stories came. And then the trend pieces."
But Brown's intense feelings don't stop there.
"It's an app for children," Brown said emphatically. "It reminds me of fourth grade, when a majority of my classmates were obsessed with Pikachu. I felt like I was too old for that shit even then!"
Brown claims the overwhelming number of adults playing this children's game is "embarrassing," advising everyone to come to their senses, and resume their normal lives. Brown also has advice for anyone encountering a player or group of Pokémon Go participants in public.
"Just don't make eye contact," Brown said. "It's like seeing a guy masturbating on the bus—if you zone it out, it's not really happening."