Phew! What... a... day! Let me tell you, it’s super tiring to secretly run the country from behind the scenes. That’s why I love the refreshing, delicious taste of Dannon© Yogurt. It’s the perfect pick-me-up after a long day of shaping foreign policy through the lens of white nationalism, and... wait. WaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT. What the... what the fuck? WHO PUT HAM IN MY DANNON©?

What is this? Some kind of sick joke? Putting HAM in a perfectly good tub of Key Lime Dannon© Yogurt? That’s fucking disgusting! What kind of monster would put HAM in YOGURT? I know Dannon© didn’t do it! They only make delicious flavors like strawberry banana, peach, strawberry kiwi, vanilla, strawberry, and my favorite: key lime. And I know for a fucking goddamn FACT they don’t add any HAM!

So admit it: Which one of you fuckers put HAM in my Dannon©? Oh, let me guess: the fucking LIBERAL MEDIA. You losers just couldn’t accept that you were 100 percent WRONG about the election, and then got MAD when I rightly told you to “shut your mouths.” But this is how you retaliate? By putting HAM in my Dannon©? Real mature, guys! REAL MATURE.

OH! OH! OH! Or maybe it was one of you Muslims! Everybody knows I hate you, you hate me, and you really hate HAM. For all I know, you hate Dannon© yogurt, too. Ugh! Who in their right minds could ever hate Dannon©? I knew it was a good idea to keep you out of the country!

Wait... wait just a sec... Nancy fucking Pelosi! She put fucking ham in my Dannon©! And I’m sure of it, because she’s always accusing me of being a white supremacist! Well... so what if I am? I’m a supremacist about lots of things: Breitbart supremacy, Goldman Sachs supremacy, male supremacy, not-woman supremacy, divorce lawyer supremacy, and especially DANNON© SUPREMACY! (It really is awesome yogurt.)

SO WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD ANYONE PUT HAM IN IT?!?

Here’s the deal, motherfuckers. Unless someone owns up to putting ham in my Dannon©, I’m gonna wage war on immigrants and refugees, destroy the UN, deny the Holocaust, promote fear and white supremacy, and ANNIHILATE THE SOCIAL AND POLITICAL ORDER AND BURN THE MOTHERFUCKING EARTH TO THE GROUND! Which, frankly, I was probably going to do anyway.

But seriously, guys! C’mon! WHO PUT HAM IN MY DANNON©?!?