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Dear Portland: Look, I get it. You love cats. In fact you love them sooooo much, you let them run around outdoors so they can pick up diseases (including feline leukemia) and parasites (ear mites and ringworm), drink antifreeze, or get eaten by any number of predators. Yeah, your love for these animals is really apparent. (That’s sarcasm, if you couldn’t tell.)

But I’m not here to educate you on animal cruelty; I’m here to say that I didn’t kill your stupid cat, and frankly? I’m insulted by the insinuation!

Every time one of your idiot cats disappear, you blame us coyotes—even if they’re hit by a car, move in with a different human (because you fucking suck), or fall in love and run off with a stray, as in the case of Disney’s The Aristocats. Do coyotes occasionally eat felines? OF COURSE, YOU FUCKING DOLT. But 90 percent of the time, we eat plants, berries, and IF IT’S OKAY WITH YOU, small rodents such as mice and rats.

Oh, what’s this? No tears for the rats I eat? (Again, I’m being sarcastic... OR AM I NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT, EITHER?)

For decades, coyotes have been the targets of widespread smear campaigns (Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner cartoon being only one example). Today this disinformation continues on social media, and in particular the NextDoor website, where Eastmoreland resident Margaret Jenson wrote the following hysterical missive:

“A coyote ate my cat, Miss Puffles! Please, please, PLEASE bring your cats in at night, because this coyote situation is out of control! Also are you missing a bicycle? Because I saw the neighborhood homeless person ride by on a bike I didn’t recognize.”

OMIGOD, Margaret Jenson is the worst! And just so we’re clear: Yes, I ate Miss Puffles. She was so stupid, she practically walked right into my mouth. But does this mean Margaret Jenson and the rest of her ilk can blame coyotes for eating their cats without a scrap of proof? I’ve killed and eaten 12... maybe 15 cats total in my life. And yet you blame me for the deaths of hundreds?

This is species-ism, plain and simple! I (probably, statistically speaking) did not eat your cat, and your constant insinuations that I did are not only insulting, but also LEGALLY ACTIONABLE. Stop this anti-coyote campaign of misinformation, or I will be forced to take drastic action. (On your cat’s ass. Just kidding. Not really.)