Greetings, surface dwellers! It is I, AquamanâKing of Atlantis and proud member of the Justice League! Drawing from my rich experience as Ruler of the Seven Seas, I am here to answer your romantic, professional, and ethical queries. Let us begin!
Dear Aquaman: How come you donât have any superpowers?âDevin Roberts, Southwest Portland
Okay, not the kind of question I was expecting, but sure. I actually have a bunch of powers, for your information, which include being able to breathe underwater, swim REALLY good, and telepathically command sea life to obey my every whim! Iâm also a very good advice columnist, so....
Dear Aquaman: Do you have gills? Are you a weird merman? Are you half fish?âSarah DeWitt, Gresham
Obviously I do not have gills, Sarah. Obviously I have legs. Obviously I am neither a âweird mermanâ nor âhalf fish.â Again, if you have questions about your job or your love life, then I, Aquaman, will be happy to assist you.
Dear Aquaman: So if the Justice League is underwater and attacked by an evil octopus or something, I can see how you might be useful. But when theyâre on land, do you just take the day off, or...?âKevin Roth, St. Johns
I am VERY useful to the Justice League, EVEN ON DRY LAND, KEVIN, because I am very strong and a good team player! Ask Wonder Woman! Or Superman! Theyâll tell you! Donât ask Batman. Whenever I walk into a room, he asks if anyone else smells fish sticks. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY REAL QUESTIONS?
Dear Aquaman: Ha! Batmanâs hilarious. Hey, speaking of fish sticks, do you eat them? Thatâd be pretty messed up, since youâre half fish.âSamantha Parker, Southeast Portland
Just for the record, global warming is going to put all of you underwater in like 20 yearsâwhich is when Iâm going to KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES. Weâll see whoâs laughing then, assholes!