EATING DISORDERS
By Manu Berelli

Today's students face a lot of tough challenges. As if P.E. class and geometry weren't bad enough, real-life dramas are never far away from the ivory tower educations of modern students. Teen pregnancy, drug abuse, eating disorders, Britney Spears--the list of trials goes on and on.

That's why our "Back to After School Special" was created; as a forum for advice and consolation for the toughest problems of today's confused youth.

PREGNANCY

So, you got a girl knocked up. It's okay; happens to the best of us. It's happened to me twice, and I'm the best person I know.

The first thing you do is talk alone with her. Cry and hold each other. Tell her that no matter what her decision, you'll support her. Then tell her there's no wrong decision she can make and that you'll give her a few days to think about it.

While she's "thinking about it," find out as much dirt on her as possible. This is your insurance policy. If she decides to abort--hey, problem solved. But if she decides to keep it, you need to pull out all the stops.

Go to your parents and tell them you've made a mistake. You were in love with this girl and she went and slept around behind your back. Then cry. And hold each other.

Tell them you need a good lawyer to clear your name, and if they have to re-mortgage the house, so be it. After all, you're a boy, and you're supposed to have sex. And we must be protected from sluts.

Family Member Who's Addicted To Drugs

So your little brother is addicted to pot. And, if like me, you still live at home, now his problem is yours. Because once you're in "Family Therapy," not only does it cut into your party time, but it will only be a matter of time before your parents find out two things:

1) Your cocaine binges.

2) That you were probably the one who first got Little Johnny stoned.

He needs a one-way ticket to rehab, and it's your job to get him there as quickly as possible. My advice is this:

A) Leave small quantities of money in easy to find places. Report to your parents when it's gone and see if they'll refund it.

B) Leave lots of over-the-counter drugs around for him to steal. A little Dramamine or NyQuil goes a long way. Note to your parents whenever the drugs are mysteriously missing. Make it up if you have to. Remember: this is "tough love."

C) Stock the fridge with cans of whipped cream. Point out to your parents that "some people that you've heard about through the internet" suck out the nitrous to get high.

It will be sad to see your brother gone for 6-8 weeks, but he'll be out of your hair and things will get back to normal. Then you can resume your drug dealing/using in the discreet manner you were accustomed to before your tactless, irresponsible brother came along. And when he gets back, hopefully he'll be brainwashed enough so that it will never happen again. That isÉ until it's your turn.

EATING DISORDERS

A group of friends have a problem: they suspect their friend has an eating disorder and don't know what to do about it. Chances are, this friend is you. You have to be proactive and head-off their jealous attack.

Whatever you do, do not:

A) Gorge in front of them. This will only peak their suspicions. They'll think/know that you go to the bathroom and puke it up.

B) Talk about how much you eat in front of them. Don't go on-and-on about how much Fettuccini Alfredo you ate last night. They know you didn't. This will only sound like you're covering up.

C)Verbally attack them or get too defensive. Remember: you're not crazy, they are. If they try an "intervention," just roll your eyes, shake your head, and calmly--not angrily--point out all their personal faults. They obviously have faults of their own, otherwise they wouldn't stick their fat noses in your business.

With a little tact, and a cool head, they'll eventually go away. They have way worse problems to think about. After all, they're the fat ones. You don't have to exercise at all, AND you can still fit into those size 26 jeans!