Ah, Pride Week. A whole week of queer-ass pizzazz, crowned with the colorful wackiness of the Pride and Dyke Marches. But don't limit yourself; there's tons of gay-themed stuff going on! Of course, a lot of it sounds totally boooring. That's why we've provided this handy-spanky shortlist of the fun stuff.

PRIDE 2003 FESTIVAL, WATERFRONT PARK

This year's keynote speaker is tranny advocate Jamison Green, and singer Sophie B. (Damn!) Hawkins headlines. Oh, and brace yourself for this year's Gay Pride theme, "Lions and Tigers and Queers, Oh My!"

Saturday, Unity Stage

2:50 pm The Olde World Puppet Theatre: Meco's Wizard of Oz--As if the Wizard of Oz isn't gay enough as is, they're giving it a disco treatment acted out with giant puppets. Actually, that sounds fantastic! Also Sunday, 12:50 & 6 pm

3:20 pm Wayne and Anthony present Boxxes Superstar Karaoke: I don't care who you're porking, karaoke rules.

9 pm Dance Party--DJ Alex, DJ Frankie J, DJ Harmonix, DJ Iran: Dance the warm night away to a banging lineup of DJs. And thanks to the mild winter and proximity of water, expect to see a lot of the old "mosquito slap" dance.

Saturday, Triangle Stage

1:30 pm Chance DeValmont: A dance ensemble led by the bearer of one of the coolest gothic names ever. This is well suited to the "dark" style of the performance.

2:45 pm SMYRC Presentation: This year's Grand Marshall, the Sexual Minority Youth Recreation Center is where queer kids can go to cut their hair and play pool!

6:10 pm Men Of Rainbow: These snappy dressers combine hiphop with never-gets-old school Motown style.

7:40 pm Stink N Linger: Butchy punk rockers are a welcome contrast to the folk-dominated batch of musical contributions.

Sunday, Unity Stage

3 pm Rosetown Ramblers: Gay square dancing that's a little "flashier" than usual. And, naturally, it defies the prescribed barnyard gender roles.

4:30 pm Sophie B. Hawkins: Horny Sophie made a name for herself with "Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover" off an unsubtly titled record called Tongues And Tails. Find out what the hell else she's going to play.

Sunday, Triangle Stage

12:25 pm X-13/Brandon: Gritty, metal influenced trance/electronica--except angry! Hmm... isn't noonish a bit early for that?

2:20 pm D: is a very interesting crazy person who performs a mix of '80s pop, metal, disco funk, and folk. He also identifies himself as a "Minstrel Psycho."

I LOVE A PARADE

Gay Pride: The big event, this caravan travels through downtown and is always good for flying your most creative freak flag. Gays and the people who love them are always out in force. Leaves from Lincoln High School, 1600 SW Salmon at noon, Sunday.

The Dyke March: The Lesbian Avengers lead the annual march, which completely rules and usually involves bare tits and motorcycles! Saturday, NW Davis and Park, 6:30 pm

The Other Stuff

Aside from the official Pride activities, there're always a slew of fun queer activities thrown by local groups and venues this time of year. And even regular gigs get a punch of extra vibrancy, since everyone's already aglow with all the darn pride.

THURSGAY

Dysfunctional Family Feud: Barfly's monthly game show gets hosted by local queen extraordinaire, Poison Waters. Watch the competition heat up between girly boy Drag Queens vs. the manly men Oregon Bears. Dante's, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630, 6 pm, free

The Gender Bender Variety Show: Just can't get enough Poison Waters? Well, no fear, because she's hosting this night of drag, fire, and music, too! Egyptian Club, 3701 SE Division, 236-8689, 9 pm, $5

The Billies: Four female sax players and a percussionist named their jazz ensemble after musician Billy Tipton, who lived as a man, but was discovered to have really been a woman the whole time! The Billies' style is a mixup of jazz, hiphop, klezmer, and punk, at least one of which is statistically likely to appeal to you. Fez, 316 SW 11th, 221-7262 x.41, 9 pm, $8-10

FRIGAY

4th Annual Rainbow Ball: The Portland Gay Men's Chorus treats you to a night of '70s and '80s hits. Would you like some music with your cheese? Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 225-5555, 9 pm, $10

SATURGAY

Women's Pride Bicycle Ride: Get all warm and sweaty on your bike before hitting the Dyke March, Critical Mass-style. Meet at Haven, 3551 SE Division, 3 pm, free

Gay & Lesbian Club Dance: Free appetizers! But more importantly, a chance to boogie witcha community to the spinnings of DJ Crystal. Double-Tree Hotel, 310 SW Lincoln, 9 pm, $12-15