Chief Foxworth, Chief Foxworth, Chief Foxworth! That's all we ever hear! Yes, we know he allegedly likes submissive white women. Yes, we know he daydreams about going "commando" under his police pants. And yes, we know he has an enormous nightstick. But enough about him, already—what about YOUR sexual deviances!? If you're anything like me, you want to get it on with a non-complaining anatomically correct robot. See? Everyone's different! That's why every year, the Mercury prints Portland's most nosy sex survey—examining every filthy aspect of your sexual experiences for the following reasons: (1) to decipher what exactly is sexually "normal," (2) to discover new and exciting sexual adventures, and (3) to get us horny. (Number three never takes very long.) But the first thing we need to establish is to learn...
WHO YOU ARE
Over 1,500 of you entered sex surveys this year, and almost every one of you are turned on by tongue kissing, public sex, and monogamy. (More on that later. OH! And by the way, you may notice that some of the following percentages may exceed or not add up to 100%—that's because some of you didn't answer certain questions, or answered them too many times. Don't worry—it's okay to get excited.)
And speaking of excitement, WOMEN really came through this year, making up 50% of all respondents, followed by MEN at 48% (then there's the 2% of you who refuse to be gender-stuck). Unfortunately, there was a very low JEW turnout (only 3%), and a rather high CHRISTIAN showing (17%). Why unfortunately? Jews tend to be sexier than Christians. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE! Anyhoo. Non-affiliated religious people were the next highest subject group (at 19%).
As for your sexual orientation, STRAIGHTS made up 83% of our survey-takers, with the lion's share of respondents being between 22 and 30 years old. (NOTE TO PARENTS: Only a meager 2% of kids under the age of 17 filled out this survey, so quit trying to convince the federal government we're pedophiles!!) Oh, and here's something interesting: Most of you (31%) are SINGLE, if you don't count those people who are in a RELATIONSHIP (24%) or MARRIED (15%). That means there's still a lot of booty on the market! Yay!
LET'S GET PERSONAL... OKAY?
Most of you (52%) FIRST HAD SEX between the ages of 14 and 17—THAT'S SEXY! This is followed by the 18-21 age group at 33%—NOT AS SEXY! Then there are the 11-13 agers at 5%—THAT'S EWW! But not as EWW! as having sex before the age of 10 (1%). EWW! EWW!
As in previous years of the sex survey, Portlanders are holding steady when it comes to a lifetime of SEXUAL PARTNERS, with the majority having somewhere between 11 and 20. This makes me feel awesome, 'cause I've had 21. BUT WAIT JUST A GOL'DURN MINUTE! As opposed to previous sex surveys, now most of you (68%) are saying that HANDJOBS do not count as "sex." Why... that just cut my sexual conquest numbers in half! Thanks a pantload—JERK. (This is especially annoying since the majority of respondents are claiming to have "sex" two to three times per week.)
Well, I guess that leaves me with little choice but to CHEAT. Now, according to our sex survey participants, 40% said they have NEVER CHEATED on any of their partners. Yeah, whatever, LIARS. You probably gave plenty of handjobs, though, didn't ya? However, of those who have cheated, most agreed (33%) that their cheating experience had a POSITIVE OUTCOME. And while 41% maintain they would never cheat on a current partner, an intriguing 38%—evenly divided between men and women—consider cheating to be a POSSIBILITY. So for those who want to "bump up their numbers"—stay away from handjobs and start banging housewives (or hubbies).
HOWEVER! Here's a little stat that could monkey wrench my plan to impregnate or pass along STDs to most of the loving relationships of Portland: 90% of respondents believe MONOGAMY is possible! Oh, PUH-LEEEEZE! I suppose you also believe that man existed at the same time as dinosaurs! You are so freaking naive. And for that, I am going to have sex with each and every one of you.
YES, EVEN THE MEN. And you want it, too. How do I know? Well a certain little Mercury Sex Survey says that the majority of girls and guys (54%) have had at least one HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCE. And I'm committed to converting the other 46%.
YOU IN THE SACK
Now, if I'm going to have sex with you, I'll need to have a few questions answered—like, HOW OFTEN DO YOU MASTURBATE? (I don't want you to be tired out, after all.) Turns out most of you (29%) rub-a-dub your nub an average of two to three times per week (and the gals are rubbin' just as much as the guys)! And as for the 25% of you who are performing a solo show of "Jack 'n' Jill" at least four to eight times per week—save a little for me, whydon'tcha?
Next question: WHERE DO YOU HIDE YOUR PORN? What's that? 76% of you don't hide your porn from your partner? WOW. That's so... liberating! I totally hide my porn. But since most of you have your copies of Juggs magazine lying around on the coffee table, I'd like to make a confession. In my desk drawer here at work, I have the following: one issue of Urban Nudist, one DVD entitled Sweaty Black Wrestlers, two issues of Stern-Looking Governess, and a first-edition copy of Chief Foxworth's Sexiest Emails (illustrated and annotated).
Another thing I may need to know before SEXUALLY ROCKING YOUR WORLD, is how long does it take for you to CLIMAX? And here's a shocker: On average, it takes women LONGER. 25% of ladies require 6-15 minutes for their partners to knock their rocks off, 10% need 16-25 minutes, and 9% throw their hands up in frustration and say, "Oh FORGET IT! I'll do it myself!" (Luckily for me, a whopping 54% of you admit to operating some sort of VIBRATOR/DILDO contraption in 2005—not that I'm expecting any trouble.) Meanwhile, 12% of you men-folk claim to be able to hold off ejaculation for five minutes, while 39% say they can last anywhere between six and 15 minutes. LADIES, STOP LAUGHING. A man has a right to a little white lie now and then.
Now let's play...
WHAT? ARE YOU SCARED?
Here are the questions:
Q: Yes, having SEX IN A MOVING CAR is dangerous (Snore!). But when you do have sex in a moving car, what do you like to do?
A: While only 8% are brave enough to drive while engaging in anal/vaginal sex, a careening 28% will happily administer a handjob, and 42% have gone down on the driver! (Though only one person admitted the driver was piloting a school bus.)
Q: Someone stuck something in YOUR BUTT. How did it feel?
A: 14% of you reported it was like "a trip to the moon on gossamer wings," while 8% said it was like "a trip to a place where someone shoved something really painful up my ass." HOWEVER! 33% had to admit that something up their butt was "kinda hot." So for those of you scared of a little butt action? The odds are in your favor that it won't kill you. Just don't start with the Washington Monument.
Q: Sure, you're no Laurence Olivier—but if someone asks you to MASTURBATE IN FRONT OF THEM, will you do it?
A: A rousing 68% are "mildly in favor" to "very in favor" of "masturbation as performance." And if you can do it while reciting selections from Chief Foxworth's emails, you get extra points!
Q: When AN ACQUAINTANCE CAME ON TO YOU, how did you react?
A: While 8% did the correct thing and "fucked their brains out," an astonishing 58% "flirted back, but didn't jump their bones." That makes you a chicken. BAWKK! BAWWK! BA-BAWWWWWKKK!
MY SECRET FANTASY
THREESOMES: Everybody wants one, right? But who needs the AWKWARDNESS? Therefore, 61% of you would agree to a ménage à trois, if you would never see that third person again. Likewise, you would be similarly interested in participating in an ORGY (64%), if you could find likeminded individuals such as yourself. Umm... at the risk of sounding all advertise-y... have you people tried out the Mercury Personals? The very people you're looking for are right there waiting for you! Throw down this paper right now, and hit up portlandmercury.com, because pretty soon you're going to be old and unattractive, and the only three-way you're going to experience is when Myrtle dies during the middle of your bridge game.
Okay, so you're ready for a threesome. If it works out well, how about making it official, and going for some old-timey POLYGAMY? While 23% of you would rather hammer a pencil into your eye than be in a three-person marriage, a surprising 36% said, if the situation was right, "SURE, WHY NOT?" Personally, I could think of a billion reasons why not, but this is your survey, not mine.
New topic: As mentioned previously, you like to MASTURBATE. Ah, but WHO are you fantasizing about when you are diddling your fiddle? Here's the breakdown:
Family members = 4%
Yourself = 8%
Friends (not the TV show) = 28%
Celebrities = 30%
Coworkers = 32%
Strangers = 48%
Former lovers = 59%
Crushes = 63%
Current Partners = 66%
66% fantasize about current partners? OMIGOD. The same thing happened last year. LOOK. Stop thinking about you're partner when you're masturbating and simply FUCK THEM. I really don't give a rat's ass if you masturbate while fantasizing about a monkey—just think of someone, ANYTHING else and save your good juice for the real thing!
Ahem. Sorry. Now that we've established that you'll be fantasizing about monkeys from now on, let's examine the SCENARIO you imagine yourself and your monkey to be in.
29% of you like to masturbate while imagining getting anally penetrated, while 32% fantasize about being watched. 33% prefer same-sex scenarios (not as straight as you thought, huh?), while 38% picture themselves being physically restrained. 43% imagine themselves having public sex, but 53% usually just fantasize about doing "normal stuff." With monkeys. However, the overall fantasy winner is "THREESOMES/ORGIES" coming in at an impressive 59%!
Public sex is one of Portland's most popular pastimes. Here are some of the top places where you've done it at least once:
Department store dressing room = 14%
Public transportation = 22%
Bar/clubs = 26%
Work = 33%
Movie theaters = 36%
Forest = 57%
Moving car = 65%
Public park = 66%
Parked car = 80%
(Only 3% of people have had sex in Mayor Potter's office. Don't worry—he was asleep at the time.)
Now here's some of Portland's best places to have public sex, according to YOU: Washington Park, Schnitzer Hall, Mr. Tabor Park, fire escape at the Ondine dorms at PSU, Lincoln's new football field, MAX (blue line), Powell's Pearl room, parking lot of Plaid Pantry, North Park Blocks, Fez bathroom, Tryon Creek State Park, booth #7 (Fantasy Video), Pittock Mansion, and my mom's house. HEY!!!
FILL IN THE HOLE!
And finally, here are the hotly anticipated answers to our annual "fill in the hole... we mean blank!" questionnaire:
• What's the most bizarre object you've ever masturbated with? [WARNING: WE ARE ONLY RECOMMENDING THAT YOU TRY SOME OF THESE THINGS.]
A warm cantaloupe, Sharpie, condom-covered cucumber, water weenie, sister's panties, plunger, bologna, vibrating pen, uncooked beef frank, James Bond VHS tape, statue of Jesus, beer cozy, carrot, GI Joe, leather glove, spa jets, handle of a safety razor, Hello Kitty vibrating toothbrush.
• Name the oddest place you've ever masturbated.
While driving, parking lot of unemployment office, work bathroom, airplane at night, high school girl's locker room (after-hours), office cubicle (during work hours), pyramid in Yucatan, Wal-Mart, Gap dressing room, company picnic, front seat of school bus in junior high, on the MAX, Canada, Disney World, behind parents in church, into the pages of a C.S. Lewis novel in the school library
• What hot sex-related activity did you do for the first time in 2005?
Bondage, pegged by a strap-on, "tossed a salad," threesome, butt plug, gave coworker a handjob, played "Hide and Go Fuck," got a BJ with two fingers in my ass from a prostitute in Amsterdam, received a handjob while dressed in a gorilla suit, prostate massage, bestiality ("My girlfriend, NOT me. I just helped."), rim job by two girls at once, watersports, finally realized (1) I was gay and (2) how great gay sex is, fucked on a beach with a stranger, someone watched my girlfriend and I having sex, cheated, fully clothed dry humping, anal fingering, had sex with a nerd, sucked off a she-male, shared a prostitute, double anal penetration, sex on my office desk, and bent someone over their washing machine.