Now that Daddy has forked over the money for a college education...it's time to blow it in STYLE! While your institution of higher learning may have supplied you with a handbook filled with stupid rules and useless information, your friends at the Mercury are pleased to furnish the knowledge you really need:
Skating by on the least amount of literary knowledge possible!
The latest in "bald-faced lying to your instructor" techniques!
Blowjobs...who wants one? Hilarious pranks to play on your drunken friends!
What to do about those touchy-grabby frat boys!
What's hot and what's snot for Fall 2000!
Stretching your entertainment/drinking/porn dollar!
Plus, an indispensable directory of goods and services that no college student should be without!
It's all here in the Portland Mercury, so learn it... Know It... LIVE IT! Class dismissed!
THE MERCURY'S BACK TO SCHOOL HANDBOOK!