Oh, hey, Dad! You home? Yeah, I'm just talkin' to some friends. Talkin' about how much we love sports! Yeah! Yeah, I know--practice is in a few! I'm psyched! Hey guys, why don't you come along? I've got a whole list of sports we can play, so come on! Jump in the mini-van! Yeah! Let's play... umm... sports! Yeah!
The phrase "I'm gonna peg you so fucking hard!" works on a multitude of levels. Romantically, sure, but more importantly, it's a multipurpose threat suitable for use in the nationally renowned Portland Adult Dodgeball and Kickball circuit. Now's your chance to get revenge on the kickball dominator from your childhood, letting your inner dodgeball demon stretch its leathery, vengeful wings. Fall kickball is currently underway and dodgeball will be starting its fall season shortly--but right now, you can root for a team on Sunday afternoons, then buy 'em a well-deserved beer afterward at the East Bank Saloon. LC
Kickball at Hosford Middle School, 2303 SE 28th Place. For times and info on upcoming events and dodgeball or kickball registration, hit www.pdxkickball.com , redballrec.com/dodgeball.htm, or email firstname.lastname@example.org
EAT SOME SHIT
Besides Powell Butte's lackluster-yet-passable single-tracks, Forest Park proffers the only Mountain Bike Trails in Portland worth mentioning. There are many good rides therein, though some are designated "pedestrian only" and others are rife with hikers (many of whom act as if their mothers were drawn and quartered by mountain bikers). Head north to the Germantown Road part of the park where, in addition to Firelane #10 (the best trail, yet it's still too short), you'll find other trails (stick to the Firelanes) where snobs in Subarus stay away. And while you're in Estacada scoring some blow, you might as well head out to the Clackamas River Trail for some death defying dirtbiking. Located 22 miles southeast of Cranktown, the trail hugs a cliff overlooking the river and boasts views of Mt. Jefferson--not a bad setting to eat shit. (And you will, assuredly.) Eight miles on the forest trail (watch for downed trees and washed-out pathways) leads you to the main road. And don't be a dumbass--you'll need a fucking helmet, so wear one. WG
Upper Forest Park: From Highway 30, follow signs to Germantown Road. Take Germantown Rd. roughly 1.4 miles up to parking lot, where you'll find a map of all trails. Firelanes #9 and #10 are across the road from the parking lot.
Clackamas River Trail: From Estacada, follow Highway 224 into Mt. Hood National Forest for 22 miles; turn right at F.S. Road 4620. $3 parking permit (required) available at Estacada ranger station. Sometimes conditions will make the trail closed to bikes, so check at the ranger station beforehand.
GAY YOGA! GAY SKATE!
Not long ago, it seemed unfathomable that a yoga class could be both breeder-free and clothes-free. Now, however, four times weekly, yoga instructor Joe Doherty offers Tantric Yoga for Gay and Bisexual Men--with no unitards or Umbros allowed. Doherty states that by shedding our threads, "we release inhibitions that prevent us as men from connecting fully with ourselves and others." Emphasizing that yoga's not all about the cock, Doherty assures newcomers that his is a safe environment dedicated to connecting to one another through energy.
But that's not to say that after class you can't ask one of your classmates to the monthly Gay Skate at Oaks Park. With a perfect excuse to grab his waist, you can roller-skate underneath a suspended Wurlitzer organ on the only floating rink west of the Mississippi. Add in a raffle, nachos, and a few pinball machines, and you've got a damn good (or, at least, an old skool) date. After all, roller-skating is about the cock. WG
Gay Tantric Yoga, 1318 NE Broadway. Call 281-9772 to enroll. Lesbian & Gay Skate at Oaks Park, third Monday of every month, 7:30-9:30pm, $5 (canned food item donation is requested).
Sometimes, you just need to unload--and everyone knows that nothing unloads better than a semi-automatic 15-round Beretta. Problem is, unless you own 100 acres of private land in the middle of nowhere, you need a place to shoot. Good thing there's the aptly named The Place To Shoot, where they provide you with the place to shoot, gun rentals, licenses, instruction, and ammo. All you need is ID proving you're over 21, money, and a desire to shoot some shit--they take care of the rest. Sign up for a daylong trial, and if you love it, pick up the family membership and take the missus. MB
The Place To Shoot, www.theplacetoshoot.com, 283-1995, 904 N. Hayden Meadows Drive. Fees start at $25.
GIVING IT A COLLEGE TRY
Portland is not a meat-and-potato sports town. Soccer matches outsell baseball games, and our only big league pro team spends more time in the tabloids than on the sports page.
But that doesn't mean the city isn't bustling with amateur sports--ones that athletes play for the thrill of the game, not the paycheck. Of those, it's soccer that reigns supreme. Two years ago, the University of Portland women's team won the NCAA championship in a nail-biting double overtime, and the gals are back in high style this fall. Catch home games against the University of Oregon (Fri, Sept 24, 7 pm, Merlo Field, 5000 N. Willamette Blvd) and University of Washington (Sun, Sept 26, 2 pm, Merlo Field).
Across town, Lewis & Clark College may not have as much to brag about, but it's still fun to cheer on the underdogs. With a one win/five loss record so far, the Pioneer's women's volleyball team are local versions of the Bad News Bears. Next home matches: Fri, Oct. 1, against Pacific, Pamplin Sports Center, 0615 SW Palatine Hill Rd., 7 pm; Sat., Oct. 2 against George Fox, 4 pm.
And over the past few years, Portland has blossomed as one of the premiere West Coast rowing cities. Portland State and University of Portland have both added crews to Lewis & Clark's already established program, not to mention a nationally ranked high school program that puts out some one dozen boats onto the Willamette each day. This October, a new boathouse opened underneath the Hawthorne Bridge, further adding fuel to the fire. Hang out on the Sellwood Bridge on Saturday, October 16 to watch regional collegiate crews battle. PB