Kalah Allen
Oh, look at you! Mr. or Ms. Fancy Gay Pants getting all excited and rushing into a same-sex marriage. While I personally support your right to enter into holy matrimony, I also think it's funny as shit that you'll now have to have to deal with the same stuff us married breeders constantly endure; such as, a quick and permanent end to your sex life, mid-life crises, and eventually DIVORCE. Hey, just because you make up 10% of the population doesn't let you off the hook. Fifty percent of all marriages end in D-I-V-O-R-C-E, which means I'll be seeing 5% of you in court. You'll soon learn how much easier (and cheaper!) it was to rush into marriage, than to suffer through the lengthy, expensive, and embarrassing dissolution of your marriage. But there is an upside--as mentioned earlier, it's pretty funny to the rest of us.


"Irreconcilable Differences" isn't just a horrible Lil' Drew Barrymore movie. If you're experiencing an "irretrievable breakdown of the marriage" then you have grounds for a divorce. Other grounds include the marriage being "obtained by fraud, force, or duress [that's YOU!]," a minor who got married without lawful permission, or if you lack the mental capacity to consent [also YOU!]. Screwing around is only allowable as grounds if child custody is an issue [that's not you].

If you really don't want to end up in the poor house, remember these two words: "No Fault." It's the cheapest way to go, wherein both parties wipe their hands of each other, and the judge doesn't require any evidence of misconduct. And after the court and lawyer fees are paid, you only have to endure the tsk-tsking of your mother and friends who, as they put it, "told you so."


Who do you think you are? Britney Spears? Look pal, this is OREGON, not Las Vegas, and unless you have very special circumstances, you're not getting an annulment. "But I've only been married a few days!" Tough titty, Tina. "My spouse won't have sex with me!" Well, welcome to married life. There's only a couple of ways a judge is going to consider giving you an annulment, and that's if your spouse is under the legal age of consent, or if your spouse is already married... which I know from experience is really annoying.


Unfortunately for you, Oregon is an "equitable distribution" state. That means, after your divorce, your gay ex-husband will have his greedy mitts on a sizable amount of your stuff; including inheritances, your Eames-era swag lamps, retirement pension, your Sandra Bernhard autographed throw pillow, and property acquired prior to the marriage.


Oh no, he can't? OH YES, HE CAN. Either spouse can be forced to pay alimony--REGARDLESS OF WHO IS AT FAULT. So if you've got a "stay at home" gay hubby, then make sure he's washing the dishes. At least you'll get something out of the deal.


Though counties differ, expect to pay around 300 smackers in court costs (and more if you're adding on child custody, or other motions). Then, if you need a lawyer, you can add on anywhere from $100 to $250... PER HOUR. (And let me tell you... these guys take their sweeeeeeet time.) However, if you're legitimately destitute, you can get help from the Legal Aid office--who are so over-worked, you can expect your divorce to be finalized roughly 20 years after you're dead.

So whether gay or straight, remember one thing: "Divorce eats ass." That being said, I'd like to wish an eternity of wonderful wedded bliss to all our newly married gay brothers and sisters... I'm sure 50% of you will be very happy.