LEONARDO DiCAPRIO "Hi, everybody! I'm pretty goddamned pleased with myself."

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 29

Happy Leap Year, everybody! And with that, let's "leap" into this week's most deliciously trashy gossip, and oh god we hate ourselves for that joke, please kill us. OSCAR BUZZ! As reported last week, the racist Oscars had their racist award ceremony and everybody laughed and laughed at all the anti-racist jokes approved by the racist Academy. But one of the most bizarre meta-racist jokes of the night involved actress Stacey Dash, who you know as Dionne from Clueless, a Mitt Romney supporter, and as someone who claimed, "There shouldn't be a Black History Month." In one segment, Oscar host Chris Rock introduced her as "the new director of their minority outreach program," in which she smiled and wished the crowd "a happy Black History Month." Everyone across the country went "Yeeeeeesh" (as in "too soon"), while Oscar organizers scratched their lily-white heads and wondered why such a brilliant self-reflexive joke about their own racism didn't work. Guess that's a mystery for the ages! OSCAR BUZZ! During his acceptance speech, Best Actor winner (and handsome environmentalist!) Leonardo DiCaprio held up his Oscar and reminded audience members, "Let us not take our planet for granted. I do not take tonight for granted." Immediately following the festivities, Leo was seen boozing it up at Ago restaurant in West Hollywood, where he absentmindedly left his Oscar statue behind. Hey, but at least he didn't take his planet for granted! OSCAR BUZZ! "Gwen Stefani Brings Poorly Dressed Cowboy to Oscars Party" read the Page Six headline—and in case you're curious, the "poorly dressed cowboy" was Gwen's current hillbilly boytoy Blake Shelton. Attending the Vanity Fair post-Oscars fête, Gwen was exquisitely decked out in a gorgeous sheer Yanina Couture gown. Meanwhile Blake wore a black jacket with jeans, and scuffed-up cowboy boots (that may or may not have been covered in animal shit). To make things considerably worse, Blake told Entertainment Tonight he had recently purchased Gwen a (wait for it) HORSE. "People are so shocked by that," said the clueless country bumpkin, "but name me one girl on the planet that doesn't love horses." What say we start the list with ANN MOTHERFUCKING ROMANO? (Sorry to cut in line, ladies.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 1

In "Nanny Banging News": We finally found a celeb who did NOT bang the nanny! On her blog, actress (and Susan Sarandon's daughter!) Eva Amurri Martino wrote about her former nanny's fairly transparent plans to bone her hubby Kyle Martino. Apparently the nanny "accidentally" texted Kyle the following message: "OMG. Girl, did I mention to you how hot and sex my Boss is. I would love to fuck his brains out ha haah." And while hubby Kyle could've easily followed in the slimy footsteps of his Hollyweird brethren (oh, hello, Ben Affleck, Gavin Rossdale, Ethan Hawke, Jude Law, and other assorted creeps), he immediately sent the indirect invitation directly to his wife, and fired the nanny—BECAUSE HE IS A GOOD PERSON! (Or waiting to hire a hotter nanny. Dear god, our cynicism disgusts us.)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2

The internet is a rough place. So when multiracial actress Zoe Saldana was chosen in 2012 to play famed black singer Nina Simone, and Nina's family loudly voiced their opposition to the production, and pictures were released during filming that depicted Zoe wearing very dark makeup (blackface alert!), the internet showed their displeasure in no uncertain terms. And yet? The film got made anyway, with a trailer for Nina being released this week. When the internet once again voiced their indignation, Zoe answered the uproar with the following tweet: "'I'll tell you what freedom is to me—No Fear... I mean really, no fear.' #NinaSimone." Apparently this did not soothe the savage 'net, for someone with the address @NinaSimoneMusic wrote back, "@zoesaldana Cool story but please take Nina's name out of your mouth. For the rest of your life." Yeeowtch. The internet is a rough place.

THURSDAY, MARCH 3

"I like Ted Cruz," says Caitlyn Jenner to The Advocate, explaining why she is voting for an anti-LGBT GOP candidate in 2016. "I think he's very conservative, and a great constitutionalist, and a very articulate man. But I also think he's an evangelical Christian, and probably one of the worst ones when it comes to trans issues." Ummmm... okay... ummmm... so why exactly is a trans woman voting Republican? "We need jobs. We need a vibrant economy. I want every trans person to have a job." Speaking of jobs, if Cruz were to win the election, Caitlyn added she could see herself getting this one: "Trans ambassador to the president of the United States—so we can say, 'Ted, love what you're doing, but here's what is going on.'" Sadly, this is what comes from spending waaaay too much time with Kardashians.

FRIDAY, MARCH 4

And, once again... OSCAR BUZZ! According to a source, Leonardo DiCaprio has been partying it up ever since the Oscars! Apparently, he's still still super pleased with himself for finally forcing the Academy to give him a little trophy so he could stop actively campaigning for one—as he has been for the better part of a decade. "Since his Oscar win, Leo keeps celebrating with friends," the source dishes to People. "He's been at several LA clubs since Sunday. He's been in the best mood." People adds that DiCaprio is also the subject of a new mural on La Brea Avenue that "shows The Revenant star holding his Oscar with the words 'Never, Never Give Up' stenciled beside him." The art, by an "anonymous street artist" (prrrreeeetty sure that in this case, "anonymous street artist" is code for "Leonardo DiCaprio") must be a huge pick-me-up for Leo—after all, he's had such a hard life, and faced so many obstacles. Said obstacles include, but are hardly limited to: Having to work as a universally acclaimed actor; somehow having to deal with being insanely, obscenely wealthy; and, of course, having no other choice but to engage in joyless trysts with women as hideous as supermodel Gisele Bündchen, Victoria's Secret icon Bar Refaeli, and Gossip Girl star Blake Lively. So remember, dears: Never, never give up, no matter how hard your life is. May Leonardo DiCaprio's grueling experiences and unbearable journey be an inspiration to us all.

SATURDAY, MARCH 5

Today in Los Angeles, Beyoncé made all the other moms on the planet look like crap. (Sorry, moms!) Showing up at a benefit for her four-year-old daughter Blue Ivy's elementary school, Bey "donned a skintight, reflective tiger-print black-and-gold dress" before launching into a surprise performance of "several songs, including 'Crazy in Love,' 'Halo,' and a cover of Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You,'" according to Us! Now, we're not saying that your PTA meetings are enormous wastes of time and energy simply because they don't feature surprise concerts by Beyoncé, but... well, okay. That's exactly what we're saying. Sorry moms! And dads! And every kid who doesn't go to Blue Ivy's school! Enjoy your little bake sale, or whatever.

SUNDAY, MARCH 6

And only now—only now, after a string of Donald Trump primary victories have besmirched America like oozing, festering boils—does the Republican Party realize that it might have a tiny little problem. "Outside groups are moving to deploy more than $10 million in new attack ads across Florida and millions more in Illinois, casting Mr. Trump as a liberal, a huckster, and a draft dodger," the New York Times reports. Alas, such a campaign is likely too little, too late—especially since Republican leaders are facing a rebellion from their voters, who're angry about high-profile conservatives like John McCain and Mitt Romney publicly denouncing Trump. Because Trump, it turns out, is who a horrifyingly large number of GOP voters want to vote for. "From Michigan to Louisiana to California... rank-and-file Republicans expressed mystification, dismissal, and contempt over the instructions that their party's most high-profile leaders were urgently handing down to them: Reject and defeat Donald J. Trump," the Times reports. "There's nothing short of Trump shooting my daughter in the street and my grandchildren—there is nothing and nobody that's going to dissuade me from voting for Trump," said Lola Butler of Mandeville, Louisiana, a 71-year-old Republican, after noting it was "disgraceful" to see GOP leaders criticize Trump: "You're telling me who to vote for and who not to vote for? Please." Meanwhile, Jeff Walls of Flowood, Mississippi, made it clear why he wants Trump to win: "I want to see Trump go up there and do damage to the Republican Party," he said. And Faith Sheptoski-Forbush of Romulus, Michigan, added, "What we need is the voice of the people. The voice of the people want Trump." In other words, dears, we're witnessing an unprecedented schism between Republican leadership and Republican voters. And if things keep up? Well, we might also see the end—or at least a massive restructuring—of the Republican Party itself. HOWEVER... Before we get too excited about that idea, it's best to remember that whatever emerges from the ashes could very well be focused on Trump. In which case, there will be only one thing that can save us... only one thing can save America: More surprise Beyoncé concerts, obvs.