STEVEN TYLER His 28-year-old lover is a crypt robber!

MONDAY, MARCH 7

We begin with a headline from Variety that no one ever wanted to read: "Charlie Sheen, Whoopi Goldberg Starring in 9/11 Drama." Apparently this "independent action-drama" depicts "five individuals trapped in an elevator in the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, and their struggle to survive." Again, that's CHARLIE SHEEN and WHOOPI GOLDBERG starring in a 9/11 drama. We now return you to your fruitless attempts to make sense of this day. MEANWHILE... In other "news of nonsense," Aerosmith singer and former American Idol judge Steven Tyler (now a ripe 67 years old) has taken a new LOVER in the form of his 28-year-old personal assistant Aimee Ann Preston. Rumor has it the May (1988) and December (1948) romance started a couple of years ago, but things became officially official after being photographed together at Elton John's Oscars afterparty. Also according to the Daily Mail, Aimee "recently posted pictures online of a new house it's believed she shares with her older lover." FUN FACT: Aimee is a full decade younger than Steven's actor daughter Liv Tyler. We dunno, guys! We're thinking this happy couple would be perfect to co-star in Charlie and Whoopi's 9/11 film. Along with Carrot Top.

TUESDAY, MARCH 8

Happy International Women's Day! It's a day for focusing on the amazing accomplishments and tenacity of women worldwide—and Kim Kardashian celebrated by posting a nude selfie online. (Insert "sad trombone" sound effect here.) Immediately following the selfie's reveal, other lady celebs hopped on Twitter to offer Kim some helpful suggestions—such as Bette Midler, who wrote, "If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera." This infuriated Kim, who shot back, "I really didn't want to bring up how you sent me a gift awhile back trying to be a fake friend then come at me #dejavu." (We don't know what that means either.) Actor Chloë Grace Moretz tweeted to Kim, "I truly hope you realize how important setting goals are for young women, teaching them we have so much more to offer than just our bodies." This also infuriated Kim, who shot back, "Let's all welcome @ChloeGMoretz to Twitter, since no one knows who she is." (Chloë was in Kick-Ass, Carrie, and The Equalizer—but Kim knew that. This was her junior high attempt to cast shade.) Anyway, hats off to Kim for taking what should have been an empowering International Women's Day and turning it into something more akin to Mean Girls.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9

We've been waiting to hear some good news about Kesha, and while this might not be what we've hoped for—at least it appears to be moving in the right direction? As you surely recall, the pop star lost a heartbreaking court case in which a judge refused to let her out of her contract with Sony, who forced her to work with her alleged abuser, producer Dr. Luke. Following the trial, Kesha has been receiving tons of support from fellow female performers such as Adele, Demi Lovato, Lady Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, and Taylor Swift. And today we learned from The Wrap that Sony is reportedly trying to figure out how to dump Dr. Luke from the company. According to the story, Dr. Luke's contract doesn't expire until 2017—but with the shit-ton of terrible publicity Sony has been receiving from both inside and out of house, the company is having serious misgivings about keeping him on any longer than they have to. Naturally, Dr. Luke's lawyers are calling baloney on the story, claiming that Sony has no intention of cutting Luke's contract short. However, Sony responded to the lawyer's claims with a big "NO COMMENT." Expect a quiet buy-out of Dr. Luke's contract, and his eventual disappearance into the deepest recesses of our memory. Because internet justice works like that.

THURSDAY, MARCH 10

Kim K could use some lessons in throwing shade from the master of the art, Mariah Carey. Perhaps you remember that deliciously juicy moment years ago, when she was asked what she thought of Jennifer Lopez, and Mariah smiled, shook her head furiously, and quipped, "I don't know her." Nope! Never heard of Jennifer Lopez! It was shade so dark, and deep, that it cast a shadow (of hilarity) over Hollywood for years. Well recently, J.Lo sought to disprove the shade by forcefully insisting in a Wendy Williams interview that actually, she and Mariah have "met many times." This led a TMZ cameraman to stop Mariah on the street today to ask about J.Lo's comment. Mariah's reply? "I still don't know her." All hail Queen Mariah, our sharp-tongued ruler of shade! May she forever reign.

FRIDAY, MARCH 11

On Wednesday at a Donald Trump rally in Fayetteville, North Carolina, protester Rakeem Jones was punched in the face—"as the protester was being led out by security," adds Vox. And it gets worse: The attack on Jones came less than a day after a reporter for Breitbart, Michelle Fields, was allegedly thrown to the ground by Trump's campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, at a different campaign stop. Surely, Trump will bring an end to the violence at his rallies... right? "The Republican presidential frontrunner told a Warren, Michigan, audience on Friday that he's tired of political correctness when it comes to handling protesters," reports CBS. "He was interrupted several times during his remarks by yelling protesters, as he often is at his events. During one interruption, Trump said, 'Get him out. Try not to hurt him. If you do I'll defend you in court.'" Amazingly, he wasn't done: "Are Trump rallies the most fun?" Trump said. "We're having a good time!" For our own sanity, dears, we're gonna table this for now. Hopefully cooler heads will prevail by tomorrow.

SATURDAY, MARCH 12

LOL!

Nope! "A man arrested for punching a protester at Donald Trump's rally in Fayetteville this week later said he 'might have to kill' the demonstrator the next time he saw him," reports North Carolina's WNCN News. "He deserved it," the man, 78-year-old John McGraw, insisted. "The next time we see him, we might have to kill him. We don't know who he is. He might be with a terrorist organization." AND THERE'S MORE. "You bet I liked it," McGraw continued. "Knocking the hell out of that big mouth. Number one, we don't know if he's ISIS. We don't know who he is, but we know he's not acting like an American." TRUMP SUPPORTER #1, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

And now to the Democrats, where a different sort of fight is happening, as Hillary Clinton desperately tries to fend off Bernie Sanders. "I don't know where he was when I was trying to get health care in '93 and '94," Clinton said about Sanders yesterday... annnd cue the Sanders camp's response! "Literally standing right behind her," tweeted Sanders spokesman Mike Casca, posting an image of Clinton in the early '90s, speaking from a podium discussing health care reform. And roughly two inches behind Clinton, standing right there? Bernie Sanders. Elsewhere on Twitter, Bloomberg Politics correspondent Jennifer Epstein tweeted a handwritten note from Clinton to Sanders, dated 1993, thanking Sanders for his "commitment to real health care access for all Americans." But let's move on, because this wasn't Clinton's only fumble this weekend: At the funeral for Republican royalty Nancy Reagan, Clinton made a point of crediting the late first lady for starting "a national conversation" about HIV and AIDS. "That is a fucking lie," wrote Dan Savage. "You could only say the Reagans started 'a national conversation' about AIDS if terrified, desperate, and dying people screaming, 'WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING OR DOING ANYTHING ABOUT AIDS!' at the Reagans counts. It does not count." MEANWHILE... Elsewhere in the Clinton dynasty, two BFFs are finding their BFF status somewhat... challenged: Clinton's daughter Chelsea Clinton, 36, and Trump's daughter Ivanka Trump, 34, have put their friendship on hold during the campaign. "They genuinely relate to each other and care about each other and ran in the same circles," a source tells Politico, which adds that the duo's "friendship wasn't always so awkward" back when "their parents were on friendly terms." But it might be only a matter of time until they meet back up: "In their new circumstances," Politico notes, "their paths are now more likely to cross on the campaign trail... as they have become high-value surrogates for their parents." IN RELATED NEWS... Given how violent Trump's events are getting, maybe the way to settle the 2016 election would be to dump Chelsea and Ivanka on an island and just let them Hunger Games it out? Whoever survives gets to have their parent in the White House! Huh. Now that we're thinking about it, we should probably have Jennifer Lawrence compete, too, right? You know she'd win. Just like you know we'd all be happier with a President Lawrence than any of our current options.