MONDAY, MARCH 14
Nothing makes us happier than watching a conservative, women-hating news organization eat itself alive—which is why witnessing the implosion of Breitbart News is sooooo gratifying. If you haven't been keeping up, Breitbart has been Donald Trump's number one squealing fan for quite a while now—so you can imagine the quandary in which it found itself when one of its own reporters, Michelle Fields, was allegedly physically assaulted by Trump's campaign manager at an event. Who would the misogynistic Breitbart side with? Their beloved candidate, or their own reporter? Umm... WHO DO YOU THINK? Soon after the alleged assault, Breitbart reporter Patrick Howley posted a series of tweets accusing Fields of dreaming up the entire story (while blindly ignoring photos of her bruises). This was followed by a Breitbart article from Joel B. Pollak who hypothesized that the incident could not have possibly happened the way Fields described (thereby blindly ignoring witnesses on the scene). Unsurprisingly, Breitbart's own spokesperson Kurt Bardella didn't want anything else to do with this nonsense, and quickly resigned. And though the company's president, Larry Solov, seemingly sided with Fields in a press release (which conveniently refused to chastise the Trump campaign), Pollak was sending out interoffice memos instructing employees to stop talking to anyone about Fields' case. "This is straight up 'War on Women' material for Hillary Clinton in the general," he said, adding, "dumbest move ever." This led reporter Ben Shapiro to resign from Breitbart, and tell the Washington Post, "No media outlet worth its salt would throw over their own reporter and badmouth her on the front page in order to protect the candidate." Always subtle, Breitbart headlined a story about Shapiro's resignation thusly: "Ben Shapiro Betrays Loyal Breitbart Readers in Pursuit of Fox News Contributorship." Eventually victim Michelle Fields resigned as well. "They [management] were protecting Trump more than me," Fields told the Washington Post, adding, "I think they were more concerned about preserving their access to Trump than they were about finding out the truth." At the risk of blaming the victim, we hope Fields will think twice before agreeing to work for another journalistically immoral garbage dump. (Hi, Fox News!)
TUESDAY, MARCH 15
Actress and head mistress of the Goop empire Gwyneth Paltrow often thinks of herself as "incredibly close to the common woman" (while simultaneously being a proponent of "conscious uncoupling," dropping almost half a million on a spring wardrobe, and steaming her vagina). However, in her defense, we've learned a shocking "common woman" secret about Gwynnie: She flies commercial! And, at least the way she describes it to the New York Times, flying with the unwashed masses is totally NBD. She simply drinks copious amounts of water combined with a "vitamin sachet," applies plenty of moisturizer, wears a mask, eats only fruits and vegetables, and when she lands? "I try to find a sauna to sit in for 20 minutes," she says, "to help me sweat out all the germs from the plane." GERMS THAT YOU, THE COMMON WOMAN, GAVE HER. (Gross! Just the thought of you disgusting people makes her want to steam her vagina.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16
Hmmmm... we wonder how Jared Fogle—former Subway spokesmodel and convicted pedophile—is faring in his new prison home? As you recall, Fogle was sentenced to a minimum of 13 years at the Englewood Federal Correctional Institute in Colorado, which is a minimum-security facility. So it can't be that bad, right? Well, don't tell that to 38-year-old Jared, who recently got jumped in the prison yard by a 60-year-old inmate who repeatedly punched him in the face. According to TMZ, Fogle's attacker was apparently tired of child molesters getting off so easy in minimum security, and decided to take it out on the famous pedo, before being dragged off to solitary confinement. (Unfortunately, the walls in solitary are probably too thick for him to hear the cheers of a joyous and thankful nation.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 17
In Hollyweird relationship news, failed actor and artist Shia "LaBeef" LaBeouf is officially engaged to longtime gal pal Mia Goth. Us magazine confirmed the news after speaking with a Gelson's grocery checker who said the couple spilled the beans while standing in line. (Gelson's was apparently having a sale on laundry detergent and D-list celebrity gossip no one gives a shit about.) But for those who require more proof, a TMZ photog snapped a pic of Mia trotting around town wearing a hefty diamond engagement ring. Unfortunately, Shia was also in the picture, wearing an absolutely horrific pair of aquamarine Crocs—a crime so ghastly, the actor should be sharing Jared Fogle's minimum-security prison cell. (When's that 60-year-old face puncher going to be up for parole, anyway?)
FRIDAY, MARCH 18
"This is a feverish, perplexing time for Mr. Affleck, 43, as strange as seeing him stuff his brawny, 6' 4" frame into a cramped room, flop onto a chair, and stretch his legs across my bed," reads one of the more feverish and perplexing passages in Dave Itzkoff's New York Times profile of Ben Affleck. In addition to discussing Affleck's "somewhat bewildering" decision to play Batman in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (a movie Hubby Kip almost surely is going to make us go see this weekend, and a movie that almost surely is going to make us fall asleep midway through), Itzkoff also delves into the relationship between Affleck and his estranged wife Jennifer Garner, with a divorce looming after "a torrent of tabloid reports alleging bad behavior, infidelity, and questionable tattoos." "It never seems like a great time to have your privacy invaded," Affleck told Itzkoff. "Obviously this is a particularly hard ti—" Shut up, Ben! What's this about QUESTIONABLE TATTOOS? How did we miss this??? Quickly, Robin—to the internet! Turns out that last summer—in the midst of his marriage troubles—Affleck got a massive back tattoo. It "appears to be a giant phoenix spread across his back," reports Entertainment Tonight, while Garner gabbed about it to Vanity Fair. (Seriously, has everybody except for us been making fun of this tattoo for months?) "You know what we would say in my hometown about that? 'Bless his heart,'" Garner told Vanity Fair. "A phoenix rising from the ashes. Am I the ashes in this scenario? I take umbrage. I refuse to be ashes." We now pause in our applause of Garner to add, again: How did we miss this??? Why did none of you tell us about this??? Honestly, dears, this makes Batman v Superman: The Order of the Phoenix Tattoo roughly 500 percent more interesting. (Which means we might only fall asleep toward the very end.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 19
At a Thursday-night concert in Brisbane, Australia, Madonna brought a 17-year-old fan, Josephine Georgiou, onstage—and promptly pulled down Georgiou's top, revealing one of her breasts to the crowd. "Ah, it was nothing. It was so nothing," said Georgiou, who at the concert was wearing a leather black corset with attached nipple rings that she'd borrowed from her mother. "It was just a funny little slip-up, that was it," Georgiou added. "If anything, it was a bonding moment with Madonna." Madonna's recent concerts, adds the Daily Mail, "have become increasingly erratic during her world tour... marred by mumbling lyrics, late starts, and stumbling choreography." Wait. Sorry. Madonna, we know you're just trying to get attention, but we just can't stop thinking about Ben Affleck's phoenix tattoo. Sorry. Maybe invite Affleck onstage at your next show? And you can show everybody that? We hear it takes up, like, his entire back.
SUNDAY, MARCH 20
This week, Hulk Hogan (né Terry Bollea) was awarded a whopping $115 million in his lawsuit against gossip empire Gawker, which had posted a sex tape of Hogan "sharing bedroom intimacies with a former friend's wife," according to the Daily Beast. But that's not all: Just a few days later, a jury added more than $25 million in punitive damages to Gawker's fee! Whether Gawker can survive such a massive financial blow has yet to be seen—but what is sure is that the mighty Hulk Hogan might have affected gossip columns like this one forever. "The verdict," the Daily Beast adds, "will no doubt prompt news organizations to think twice before publishing damaging personal information about public figures—however true and accurate." IN RELATED NEWS... Ben Affleck's entire back is taken up with a tattoo of a phoenix (representing BATMAN) rising from the ashes (representing JENNIFER GARNER). This is true and accurate, and we honestly can't see how anyone in the world would construe our sharing this information with you as anything less than a valuable public service.