MONDAY, MARCH 28
Guys... it's hard out there for a Bieber! As you assuredly recall, Justin Bieber spent much of his misspent youth dating then-Disney star Selena Gomez, who eventually got tired of his constant pubescent bullshit, and dropped him like a hot can of Axe Body Spray. After several on-and-off-again attempts to rekindle the romance, the pair seemingly parted ways for good... OR HAVE THEY? The pair has been suspiciously nice to each other on social media lately, and according to E! News, a source claims Justin planned to rent out the entire Staples Center last week for a romantic date with Selena following his concert, where they'd cuddle up and watch the movie Titanic! Hahahahahaaaaa... gross. Unfortunately for JB, something happened before the show, and Selena called off the date. According to one onlooker, Justin was so distraught by the blow-off that "at one point during the concert, he was just lying on the stage not singing, just letting the track run." Then he reportedly left his own show 20 minutes early, forcing tourmate Skrillex to finish the performance without him. POOR JUSTIN BIEBER! That sounds worse than what happened to all those cry babies on the actual Titanic!
TUESDAY, MARCH 29
Who wants us to continue twisting the Justin Bieber knife? Why, you do, of course. So remember yesterday when we said "something" happened to inspire Selena Gomez to cancel her Titanic(ally dumb) date with J. Biebs? Well that "something" may be pop singer Charlie Puth. (For those unfamiliar with pop radio, Puth sings annoying songs such as "Marvin Gaye" with Meghan Trainor, "See You Again" with Wiz Khalifa, and "One Call Away"—which is one play away from making us drive a nail into our head. His name also sounds like a fart.) Us Weekly has accused Puth of doing some no-strings-attached banging with Gomez, adding that she is "super into him." This cannot be good news for Justin Bieber, who is willing to rent out the entire Staples Center for Selena, but is getting cockblocked by a marginally talented turd whose name sounds like gas rapidly escaping from your grandmother's bottom. IN A RELATED STORY... Ha. Ha. Ha.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30
In what will certainly be a failed attempt to polish his very tarnished image, angry abusive dickhole Chris Brown is producing a documentary about himself called Welcome to My Life, which purports to be about "his life, his journey... what's in his head." There isn't currently a release date, so we'll just have to wait to find out why he nearly beat Rihanna to death with his fists. Stay tuned! In the meantime, maybe he'll be able to also explain why he thinks a fellow R&B artist who attempted suicide was faking it. According to Page Six, singer Kehlani posted an Instagram detailing her attempted suicide, following a misunderstanding with probable boyfriend Kyrie Irving of the Cleveland Cavaliers. "God saved me for a reason," she wrote, "and for that... I must be grateful." Someone who was not grateful or gracious was Chris Brown, who felt it necessary to show his ass on Twitter and attack Kehlani's claim. "There is no attempting suicide," he wrote. "Stop flexing for the gram. Doing shit for sympathy so them comments under your pics don't look so bad." Ooooohkay. Well, good luck with your reputation-polishing documentary, Chris. (After this most recent asshole tirade, you might want to start thinking about a sequel.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 31
In case you haven't noticed, GOP frontrunner and walking garbage pile Donald Trump's hatred of women is spreading to his brainless followers. Just this week, a 15-year-old girl protesting outside a rally in Wisconsin was groped and pepper-sprayed by Trump supporters. Later the presidential candidate opined that women should be "punished" for getting abortions. This was followed by Trump retweeting an unflattering picture of Ted Cruz's wife, after accusing his rival of releasing a nude photo of Melania Trump from an old issue of GQ magazine. But there was some good news this week: Like when CNN's Anderson Cooper handed Trump his white wrinkled ass on a silver platter. "You retweeted an unflattering picture of [Heidi Cruz] next to a picture of your wife," Cooper said, before sternly reminding him, "You're running for president of the United States." "Excuse me," Trump responded. "I didn't start it. I didn't start it." "That's the argument of a five-year-old," Cooper shot back. "Every parent knows a five-year-old who says, 'He started it.'" (Note to the DNC: Is the field too crowded to allow Anderson Cooper on the ticket?)
FRIDAY, APRIL 1
This weekend, Game of Thrones' Kit Harrington (AKA Jon Snow) and Rose Leslie (AKA Ygritte) confirmed years-old rumors that they were dating in real life and not just in Westeros by showing up together at the Olivier Awards in London! "Harrington, looking dapper in a tuxedo and his Jon Snow tousled waves still intact, posed with [the] Scottish actress, who wore a stunning Malene Oddershede Bach gold gown," wrote People. "The pair chatted closely and shared a quick kiss while walking the carpet together." Okay, so FIRST, a "Malene Oddershede Bach gold gown" sounds so fancy that we don't even KNOW WHAT IT IS, and SECOND, this is officially the only happy thing that's ever come out of Game of Thrones, the most depressing show that has ever aired on television. Oh, wait. There was also that time Joffrey died? That was pretty fun! Other than that, though, this is it. So thank you, Kit and Rose, for being an adorable couple off-screen as well as onscreen, and reminding us that Game of Thrones is good for something. It's also nice to know that this romance is guaranteed to have a happier ending than the couple's fate on the show—assuming Rose doesn't die horribly in the midst of a castle battle between the Night's Watch and the Wildlings! Ha! (And that, dears, satisfies our 2016 quota for Game of Thrones references. We will no longer speak about this show until 2017, at which point Peter Dinklage and Sean Bean better be dating.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 2
It's tax season, and according to TMZ, Iggy Azalea has had... better seasons. "Uncle Sam just slapped the rapper with a huge tax lien—$391,056.55 in unpaid income taxes from 2014." The IRS' request for payment came at an awkward time for Azalea, who has recently been dealing with rumors that her fiancé, Lakers player Nick Young, has been cheating. Good news on both counts, though: This weekend, Azalea showed up at the iHeartRadio Music Awards still rocking her $500,000 "10-carat yellow diamond engagement ring," according to Page Six. So if Young really did cheat on her, maybe Azalea can just drop the ring in the mail to the IRS? Problem solved! MEANWHILE... Oft-forgotten Kardashian sister Kylie Jenner has been accused of "using another brand's formula for her new [lipstick and liner] line, and merely slapping her name on it," according to Radar Online! According to internet sleuths, Kylie's $29 lipstick and liner kit is actually just a rebranded version of a lipstick sold elsewhere for $6. What's more, employees who work at the Spatz Laboratories in Oxnard, California—where Kylie's ripoff makeup is made—have called the place "very uncomfortable," where "makeup particles made me cough and sick" with "long hours, no home life" and "no benefits." In related news, this is all the least surprising news ever, and anyone who's ever bought anything sold by any of the Kardashians should know exactly what to expect. (Garbage, in case that wasn't clear.) (Because it's sold by garbage people, just so we're all totally on the same page here.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 3
Just when we thought this week couldn't get any worse, we were proven wrong: This weekend, Justin Bieber revealed to the world his dreadlocks. "Critics expressed dismay that he was culturally appropriating a traditionally black hairstyle," wrote USA Today. But for just a moment, dears, let's set aside the cultural appropriation issue, and try to forget, even momentarily, the fact that Justin Bieber's dreadlocks, like all white-person dreadlocks, are The Worst. Let's try to remember that L'il Biebles had a very hard week: He had to watch Titanic! Alone! In an otherwise empty Staples Center! After being stood up by his ex-girlfriend! Who's in love with someone named "Charlie Puth"! Shouldn't we cut Das Biebs just a bit of slack for making a terrible hair-related decision in the face of overwhelming adversity, of such insurmountable pain? WELL, ACTUALLY... Of course not. No mercy shall be given. Let us point and laugh at Justin Bieber's clueless dreadlocks from now until the end of time, or until he does something even stupider. Which will probably be next week. See you then, dears! Mwah!