MONDAY, APRIL 4
Let's talk... KARDASHIANS. Now as we know, the Kardashian Empire was built upon their ability to be rich, unproductive, garbage people. Anyone who violates this brand, is shunned. Take for example, errant son Rob Kardashian, who committed the cardinal sin of gaining a lot of weight and shit-talking his family. The Kardashians banned him to the metaphorical desert (a gated community in Calabasas, California), where he wandered for 40 days and nights. However, two months ago, he began dating his newest girlfriend Blac Chyna: a model who's appeared in several hip-hop videos and had a baby boy with rapper Tyga, who dumped her to start dating honorary Kardashian Kylie Jenner—DO YOU SEE THE TRAIN WRECK THAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN? If not, let's make it clear: Today Rob Kardashian announced his intention to MARRY Blac Chyna, which means if Tyga marries Kylie Jenner, then Tyga will be the UNCLE TO HIS OWN SON. (This is where we furiously clap our hands in front of our face and whisper, "Yes! Yes! Yessssssssssssss!") Needless to say, this extremely weird turn of events is fucking oh-so-HARD with the Kardashians' precious "brand." So much so, in fact, the moment it was announced, the entire Kardashian Klan hopped on a private plane and escaped to Colorado, where the normally verbose family—who can't let 10 minutes pass without posting a nude selfie—has been maintaining strict radio silence. This is some next-level soap opera shit here, people! However, if it all turns out to be a grand scheme concocted by Mama Kris Jenner to be a major story arc in the upcoming season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians? We will not even be mad. We will simply slowly rise out of our seat and give this family our deepest show of respect: the 1980s movie "cafeteria slow clap." Because THEN they will have earned our respect.
TUESDAY, APRIL 5
It's unfair to categorize everyone in Mississippi and North Carolina as drooling, blithering hayseeds—because many are being held captive by the states' moronic Republicans currently in power. For example, soon after North Carolina announced a law that would force transgender people to use bathrooms according to the gender they were assigned at birth, Mississippi topped them today with the even more horrible House Bill 1523. This not only openly discriminates against transgender folks, it also allows Christian-owned businesses to refuse service to anyone who violates their antiquated beliefs. (Hi, LGBT community!) Queer people could also be denied housing, and the law would allow the foster parents of LGBT children to submit them to conversion therapy if they so choose. Award-winning chef John Currence, who owns several Mississippi restaurants, is aghast at what's happening in his home state, and besides fearing the hateful discrimination this law will bring on the population, he's convinced it will lose the state a lot of money and good will. "When people see this kind of regressive social politics going on," Currence told the Guardian, "it affects the quality of life. [These new laws] could not be any more vile or regressive." So here's the plan: Though we're packed to the gills, all forward-thinking Mississippians and North Carolinians are hereby welcome in Portland. (Then we can take the money Trump will use to build a wall on the Mexican border, and build it around Mississippi and North Carolina.)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6
Speaking of Donald Trump: Is he a feminist? Not according to ex-wife Ivana Trump, who told the New York Post: "I don't think he's feminist. He loves women. But not a feminist." Two days after the interview ran, Ivana's publicist called the Post to correct the record, saying, actually YES, Donald Trump IS a feminist. But later they called back again to say Ivana was right the first time, and no, he's certainly not a feminist. An hour after that, they called back a third time to say, sorry for the confusion, but she really was wrong the first time, and Donald Trump is absolutely 100 percent, all the way feminist. LOOK! Wake us up when you assholes finally figure it out! On second thought, don't.
THURSDAY, APRIL 7
In an interview this week with Glamour, Game of Thrones star Emilia Clarke (AKA Daenerys Targaryen, AKA the hot blonde with the dragons) was asked what she'd love to see happen on the often misogynistic and rapey fantasy show. Her answer: More dicks! "I want to see Daenerys and her three dragons share the throne. And bring back all the pretty boys, get them to take their trousers down, and be like, 'I'm now the queen.... I'd like close-ups of all the boys' penises, please.'" Move over Clinton and Sanders—we've found the Democratic nominee we really want!
FRIDAY, APRIL 8
Speaking of dicks, Nick Young might be about to lose his! As we noted last week, the Lakers player has come under fire for admitting on video that he's cheated on fiancée Iggy Azalea. Regarding that video, right now you might be wondering, "Is Iggy Azalea cool with it?" Well... "I'm not cool with it," Azalea said this week on Florida radio station Wild 94.1. "Like you'll have half a penis." Wait. What? "I already said one more video," Azalea explained, "just one more thing, and you will lose a quarter of your meat." Move over, Daenerys Targaryen—we've found the Democratic nominee we really want!
SATURDAY, APRIL 9
This week has a new inspirational hero, dears: Nine-year-old Hilde Kate Lysiak, the sole reporter behind the Orange Street News in Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania! Taught by her father, a former Daily News reporter, Lysiak single-handedly reports Selinsgrove's community news—and earlier this week, she nabbed a scoop. A scoop of MURDER. "On Saturday afternoon, Lysiak got a tip about police activity on 9th Street, just a few blocks from her home," notes Jezebel. "She hit the scene, presumably accompanied by a parent, and learned that police were investigating a murder." Lysiak broke the story in Orange Street News—rather gruesomely, it had to do with a man reportedly using a hammer to kill his wife—withholding the name of the victim "to make sure friends and family are told first." "Because she's the only one doing community news, she's developed sources who trust her," her father told the Washington Post. "She knocked on every door, like she'd seen me do with the Daily News. There were no other reporters there." MEANWHILE... Because people are idiots, Hilde was promptly criticized for her coverage, with asinine people writing in to tell her asinine things like, "Nine-year-old girls should be playing with dolls, not trying to be reporters." "If you want me to stop covering news," Hilde said on YouTube, "then get off your computer and do something about the news." Hilde, we'd like to formally offer you a position at the Portland Mercury.
SUNDAY, APRIL 10
As the Republican Party continues to implode (causing us, once again, to furiously clap our hands in front of our face and whisper, "Yes! Yes! Yessssssssssssss!"), at least one establishment right-winger is sensing a power vacuum... and stepping right into it. While most Republicans are desperately cowering before Donald Trump or grudgingly offering support to Ted Cruz, House Speaker Paul Ryan is doing everything he can not to let the troubled GOP be dragged down by its humiliating candidates. "He visited Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel... before heading to other Middle Eastern nations and Germany to discuss security and intelligence issues," the New York Times reports. "Mr. Ryan is creating a personality and policy alternative to run alongside the presidential effort—one that provides a foundation to rebuild if Republicans splinter and lose in the fall." "That is unusual for a speaker in an election year, but Ryan himself is a very different person, and this is the product of a very unusual presidential year," says Peter Wehner, a former director of the White House Office of Strategic Initiatives, in the Times. So far, Ryan refuses to admit that all this might be preparation for him to steal the nomination away from Trump or Cruz at the Republican National Convention—but it says a lot about how horrific this election has been that such a scheme seems... almost... good? Oh, don't worry, dears: We're still voting the Targaryen/Azalea ticket. But it's nice to know that maybe, just maybe, the GOP isn't completely full of spineless jackasses.