MONDAY, APRIL 11
Scripted jokes never work out so hot for politicians, who generally have the spontaneity of an unrefrigerated bologna sandwich—and presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton is no exception. Over the weekend, Clinton was desperately courting the African American vote in New York City when she appeared at an onstage event with Mayor Bill de Blasio and Leslie Odom Jr. (who's black and plays Aaron Burr in the hit musical Hamilton). And now... let the "comedy" commence! "Thanks for the endorsement, Bill," Clinton quipped to the mayor, before wisecracking, "Took you long enough!" In the style of old-timey (very old-timey) vaudeville, Mayor de Blasio responded, "I was running on C.P. time!" (Also stereotypically known as "colored people time." UNNGHHH. But wait! The "comedy" continues!) Odom, who you'll remember is black, continued the scripted routine saying, "That's not—I don't like jokes like that, Bill." (And here comes the punchline!) "Cautious politician time," Clinton shot back. "I've been there!" Now, we're sure the audience would've collapsed from uncontrollable laughter—if they weren't actively cringing. Naturally the internet exploded, and gave everyone involved in this stupid skit a hearty "FUCK... YOU." This caused de Blasio to quickly appear on CNN to clear up the controversy. According to him, the phrase "cautious politician time" was the actual punchline to the joke, which meant the audience (including you and ourselves) were "missing the point here." In other words: our fault. Two lessons to be gleaned here: (1) Jokes about African American culture are best left to those who aren't the whitest honkies in the room, and (2) "cautious politician time" is all the time.
TUESDAY, APRIL 12
It's time again for... UNMISTAKABLE BABY BUMP NEWS! Who's that sporting an unmistakable baby bump on the red carpet at CinemaCon in Las Vegas? Why it's formerly popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows star Megan Fox, who is 100 percent preggo according to multiple sources, and... waaaaait a second. Didn't she recently file for divorce from hubby (and former Beverly Hills, 90210 star) Brian Austin Green? And aren't these same sources saying, "YES, Brian Austin Green... you ARE the father"? Oh, this just got deliciously awkward. Well, it gets even better, because TMZ claims that Megan is going through with the divorce anyway—because while Brian may still be good for occasional rolls in the hay, she doesn't want her cash-strapped hubby to get any of that sweet Ninja Turtle money! (Note to readers: This is the sort of gossip that makes us want to throw the entirety of the internet down a well.) MORE UNMISTAKABLE BABY BUMP NEWS! Hey, who's that former star of Gossip Girl who's married to hunky Ryan Reynolds and was spotted in Malibu with an unmistakable baby bump sitting on her tummy? Why it's Blake Lively, and... and... okay, this story is already boring us to tears, so let's move on to UNMISTAKABLE BABY BUMP NEWS: THE AFTERMATH! Former unmistakable baby bump owner Kelly Clarkson lost her unmistakable baby bump today after giving birth to a bouncing baby bump boy! Again, not wildly interesting news... except for the former baby bump's new name, which is REMINGTON ALEXANDER BLACKSTOCK. This also happens to be the name of every hunky male protagonist in every romance novel our mom ever read, ever. In response to hearing his new name, Remington said, "Um... can I just go back to being called 'Unmistakable Baby Bump'?"
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13
Finally, some joyous Lindsay Lohan news! After a lifetime of terrible choices (not including The Parent Trap or Mean Girls), Lindsay is engaged to be married—according to everyone, except her publicist who is paid to lie. The lucky guy is the unluckily named Egor Tarabasov, who longtime One Day readers know as her latest 22-year-old paramour, the fabulously wealthy trust fund kid of a multimillionaire Moscow industrialist, and... well, that's about it. But give him a break! He's about to be the hubby of Lindsay Lohan, which is reason enough to win some sort of Nobel Prize for Martyrdom. Good luck, you crazy kids! (And if you're looking to change your name, Egor, we hear that "Remington Alexander Blackstock" may be available.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 14
Publicly convicted nanny-banger Gavin Rossdale—who despicably cheated on Gwen Stefani—has decided NOT to take half of everything his rich wife owns in their upcoming divorce... even though he COULD because there was no prenup. Instead, the nanny-banging Rossdale will only be taking a small portion of their shared property, and even refused to accept child support. Why? BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING NANNY-BANGER, AND NANNY-BANGERS ARE GODDAMN PUBLIC PARIAHS. (At least in One Day at a Time-land.) So good for you, Gavin, we guess. Now go back to your cave in the desert with your whore nanny!!
FRIDAY, APRIL 15
One of the more obnoxious people in the world, Jordan Catalano Jared Leto, has been thankfully missing from movie screens for a while now... but he's about to return, playing the Joker in Suicide Squad. (Hmm. So... Jack Nicholson... Heath Ledger... Jared Leto. Nope! No downgrade there!) But no matter how terrible Suicide Squad ends up being, it won't be as painful as the actual experience of making Suicide Squad. Turns out Leto really got into character as the Joker, going so far as to send his long-suffering cast mates (who include the likes of Will Smith and Margot Robbie) some gifts—gifts that included "rats," "a hog," "anal beads," and (wait for it...) "used condoms." "Look, I did a lot of things to create a dynamic, to create an element of surprise, spontaneity, and to break down any walls that might be there," Leto explained to E! News. "I mean, the Joker is somebody who doesn't really respect things like personal space or boundaries." Suicide Squad, the latest in fun comic book movies for the whole family, will open August 5—giving Will Smith and Margot Robbie plenty of time to change their phone numbers, move into different mansions, and file restraining orders against Jared Leto.
SATURDAY, APRIL 16
This weekend in Los Angeles and San Francisco, George and Amal Clooney hosted not one but two fundraising events for Hillary Clinton—and because everything is terrible, tickets for those events ranged from the low end of $33,400 to the high end of $353,400. Even in richie-rich San Francisco, those insane numbers were enough to bring out hundreds of protesters, many of whom support Bernie Sanders. "I think it's an obscene amount of money," our beloved George explained afterward on Meet the Press. "You know, we had some protesters last night when we pulled up in San Francisco, and they're right to protest. It is an obscene amount of money. The Sanders campaign is absolutely right. It's ridiculous that we should have this kind of money in politics." Psst. Georgie, darling—if that's really how you feel, maybe stop being part of the problem?
SUNDAY, APRIL 17
In what the Guardian called a "bizarre apology," Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have released a video in which they... jesus. Who knows. "Australia is a wonderful island with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals, and people," Heard begins, speaking in a lifeless monotone. "It has to be protected," Depp adds, sounding as if he has a gun jammed into his temple. "Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are commonplace around the world," Heard continues, her slack face making it clear that she's thinking of nothing but the sweet embrace of death. "That is why Australia has to have such strong biosecurity laws," Depp adds, staring at the camera with an air of soulless desperation we haven't seen since Mortdecai. "I am truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared," Heard grudgingly concludes. "Protecting Australia is important." "Declare everything when you enter Australia," Depp says, no doubt wondering how things went so very, very wrong. IN RELATED NEWS... The belated video was made in response to an incident last year in which Depp and Heard were caught smuggling their two shitty little novelty dogs, Pistol and Boo, into Australia so they could be near Depp as he filmed Pirates of the Caribbean Number Six or Seven or Whatever the Fuck. And, just as he was then, Australia's amazing Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce—who famously and hilariously threatened to have Pistol and Boo euthanized if they weren't removed from Australia—is needling Depp, going on national television to troll Depp, noting that the actor should have shown more "gusto" in the video and that he looked like "he was auditioning for The Godfather." And so, once again, Barnaby Joyce wins the week.