TED CRUZ "I quit! But I'll never stop elbowing you in the face, baby."

MONDAY, MAY 2

Let's kick off this week with a perfect headline, dears: "Ted Cruz Accidentally Punches Wife in the Face as He Drops out of US Presidential Race." That's courtesy of the Mirror, which goes on to note, "After giving an emotional speech... Ted gave Heidi a lengthy hug. As he turned to share the moment with the rest of his family, he caught his wife's nose with his hand. Then he chinned her with his elbow." HA! (Sorry, Heidi. We mean, "Do you need an aspirin?") While Cruz's ignominious retreat from the race was only slightly less ignominious than his campaign (defined by naked ambition, greasy tactics, self-righteous monologues, and, lest we forget, terrifyingly backward stances on every conceivable issue), let's not forget the true tragedy here: Trump is going to be the Republican nominee, and no matter how much we revel in Cruz's flailing failure (as in literally flailing, as in he flailed his wife in the face), that Trump aftertaste just won't go away. It's kind of like... how to describe it? Oh, right. Bile. It's bile. MEANWHILE... "I have always said that the Lord has a purpose for me, as he has for everyone," John Kasich said in Columbus, Ohio. "And as I suspend my campaign today, I have renewed faith, deeper faith, that the Lord will show me the way forward and fulfill the purpose of my life." That's nice! Good for John Kasich! Wait. Who... who's John Kasich again?

TUESDAY, MAY 3

Well... okay, let's just get this one over with. "Rapper 50 Cent has apologized after making fun of an airport employee who has autism," reports Page Six. "The 'In Da Club' star posted a video of himself on Twitter teasing Andrew Farrell at Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky Airport, saying the janitor seemed 'high as a motherfucker.' The worker seems to ignore his remarks," Page Six explains. "It turns out Farrell, 19, has trouble communicating because of his condition." And cue shameful apology in three... two... "It was certainly not my intent to insult him or the disability community, which is a source of great strength in America. I have apologized personally to him and his family," 50 Cent's publicist 50 Cent quickly told Page Six. AND NOW... To feel a bit better about the world, we turn (as we always do) to Channing Tatum. Our beloved Chatum was the very first guest on Speechless with Carly Fleischmann, the new YouTube talk show of Carly Fleischmann, who, at 21, has embarked on a career as "the world's first autistic and nonverbal talk show host," notes Uproxx. "How about that, Channing, would you date a 21-year-old person with autism?" was Fleischmann's first question, and Tatum's answer, of course, was great: "Yes," he said, charmingly, of course, "if I got permission from my wife." "All right," Fleischmann replied. "I've got my lawyers working on your divorce papers as we speak!" IN RELATED NEWS... Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, and Stephen Colbert? You guys can all go home. We've found the only talk show we care about.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4

As we've discussed at length, Beyoncé's Lemonade is just about the best thing ever—in part because it deals frankly (and awesomely) with Jay Z's infidelity. And for the most part, Jay Z seemed to take what he had coming, quietly stepping aside to let Bey have the final word and... OH. WE SPOKE TOO SOON... "The rap icon, 46, is recording songs that will reveal his version of events surrounding the rough patch in his eight-year marriage to Beyoncé," disappointingly reports Us, which quotes a gabby source as saying, "Jay is working on an album telling his side of things." Wait. Haven't we already heard Jay's side of things? Wasn't it in "Big Pimpin'"? No, wait... was it in "Money, Cash, Hoes"? Oh, but by all means, don't let Beyoncé enjoy this moment or anything, Jay! God knows after watching Lemonade, all anyone really wanted to hear was Jay Z's side of things! [Note to Mercury production department: Please put the last two sentences in the most sarcastic font possible. Thx!—Ann]

THURSDAY, MAY 5

Today our Mexican friends attempted to celebrate Cinco de Mayo—but NOPE! Orange-tinted racist Donald Trump can't even let them enjoy that. "Happy #CincoDeMayo!" tweeted Trump, pictured giving a thumbs up to the taco salad sitting in front of him. "The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!" Never mind the taco salad originated in the United States. Never mind the taco salad at Trump Tower is NOT the best taco salad—at least according to Eater food reviewer Robert Sietsema, who called it "devoid of flavor" and an "insult to Mexicans." But when Trump has the gall to say "I love Hispanics" even though he's recently referred to them as "criminals," "rapists," and causing the "overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities," well... that's a hard pill to swallow. (Though not as hard as that disgusting taco bowl he's pretending to enjoy.) MEANWHILE... Are Rihanna and Drake dating? According to a sources gabbing to People and Us magazines, the answer is, "(Squeal) YES." Apparently they've been dating right underneath our cute noses "for months" or at the very least "definitely hooking up"—though another source claims the two are "just friends." Of course, that person is stupid and a fucking liar, so let's pretend she's dead and celebrate the greatest union this century has ever forged: The future Mr. and Mrs... wait. What will she call herself if they get married? Rihanna Drake? UGH.

FRIDAY, MAY 6

As you recall, the Republicans of North Carolina embarrassed themselves horribly when they stupidly voted for the transphobic House Bill 2, requiring people in government buildings to use bathrooms according to the gender they were assigned at birth. Well, this embarrassment took on a deeper shade of red today, when the US Justice Department informed North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory that their stupid law violates the federal civil rights act and Title IX, which bars discrimination in employment and education based on sex. The feds then informed the state if it decided to follow though with the idiotic law, North Carolina could lose education funding... to the tune of $861 million. As you can imagine, Republicans took this all very well. "The DOJ should be ashamed of itself for bullying North Carolinians," shrieked the misnamed North Carolina Values Coalition. Meanwhile, Lieutenant Governor Dan Forest whined roughly the same thing, except with many, many more words. "To use our children and their educational futures as pawns," Forest blah-blahed, "to advance an agenda [blah-blah]... open these same children up to exploitation at the hands of sexual predators [blah-blah]... is the sickest example of the depths [blah-blah]... the administration will stoop to 'fundamentally transform our nation' [BLAH-BLAH-BLAH]." Once again, we hereby invite all hate-free North Carolinians to join us here in Portland, and encourage the government to invent a laser that will cut away that hateful state, and set it adrift in the Atlantic.

SATURDAY, MAY 7

Guys! Justin Bieber got a face tattoo! Now, some of you thought he'd turned the douche corner after shearing off his terrible, culturally inappropriate blond dreads—but you'd be wrong. Because tonight Biebs and his best millennial buddy Joe Termini got matching cross tattoos just below their left eyes! According to resident tattoo artist, Jonboy, the cross is supposed to "represent Justin's journey in finding purpose with God." Reached for comment, God said, "UNNNGHHH! I told him his purpose was 'STOP ACTING LIKE A DOUCHE.' Okay... I can't even with this guy."

SUNDAY, MAY 8

Happy Mother's Day! What follows are two very different Mother's Day gifts: One from Kanye West to wife Kim Kardashian, and one from ourselves, Ann Romano, to our mother, Patricia "Patty" Franklin. Kanye first: Kim awoke this morning greeted by a beautiful arrangement of pink flowers covering her bedroom bench, and serenaded by an all-female string ensemble... who were performing daughter North West's favorite songs from Frozen and Annie. "Oh, for the love of fucking Christ, that'd make me wanna drive a goddamn screw into my head," said our mother Patricia "Patty" Franklin. So what did we give Patty? Just the most luscious piece of gossip ever: "Channing Tatum Brings Magic Mike Live to Las Vegas," reported a gleeful and moist comingsoon.net. Chatum himself is producing the "360-degree dance and acrobatic strip tease spectacular" which will have a permanent home at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino starting next spring, and will be based on his nether-dampening flicks Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL. According to Chatum, "I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time in Las Vegas creating something that will give women what they really want." How did our mom react to this news? "Tell that Kim Kardashian skank to suck it," Patty said, downing her third mimosa. "'Cuz sweetie? We're going to Vegas!"