HILLARY CLINTON "All hail our alien overlords!"

MONDAY, MAY 9

Where in the world is Ozzy Osbourne? The geriatric rocker has gone missing, Page Six reports, after getting kicked out by wife Sharon Osbourne! "Sharon, 63, accused Ozzy, 67, of an affair with rock fan Michelle, 45, who works at a salon in LA," Page Six continued. "Ozzy is in a hotel somewhere and has taken his credit cards and some money with him," a source gabs. "But he is not brilliant on his own and is a bit like a puppy—he goes missing and then usually turns up sooner or later." Oh, so just like any other 67-year-old, then. (GOD, MOM! WE WERE JUST KIDDING!) MEANWHILE... Oh phew. "We Found Ozzy Osbourne," blared this afternoon's headline on Page Six (three-and-a-half-hours after their other headline screamed "Ozzy Osbourne Is Missing"). Fortunately, that heinous hairstylist homewrecker was nowhere to be seen as Ozzy was wandering around Los Angeles, "carrying his dog" with "his signature long locks a mess." Now that we think of it, this sounds like literally any other day for the Osbournes. ELSEWHERE IN HOLLYWEIRD... The Big Bang Theory star Kaley Cuoco is getting divorced from tennis player Ryan Sweeting—and, as TMZ points out, Sweeting might not be stoked about how the finances are working out. Cuoco—who reportedly signed a contract in 2013 that guaranteed her $72 million for 72 episodes—had the foresight to draft a prenup that entitled her to all that, plus the couple's "home in Tarzana and their Santa Barbara area beach house," TMZ reports. Sweeting, on the other hand? He gets "a lump sum parting gift of $165,000," a promise that Cuoco will pay off "the $195,00 bill for his two personal trainers," and (here's the big one) "the right to keep whatever cash and gift certificates in his possession." First things first: Good for you, Kaley! Now that's how you sign a prenup! Second things second: Don't get any ideas, Hubby Kip. If we get divorced (more like when we get divorced), you're giving up all those Starbucks cards we know you've been hoarding. Screw this up, buddy, and your days of free double-whip pumpkin spice mocha-lattes will be over.

TUESDAY, MAY 10

"Known for her grasp of policy, Mrs. Clinton has spoken at length in her presidential campaign on topics as diverse as Alzheimer's research and military tensions in the South China Sea. But it is her unusual knowledge about extraterrestrials that has struck a small but committed cohort of voters," the New York Times reports. In addition to observing that Clinton consistently brings up UFOs, aliens, Area 51, and her belief that Earthlings "may have been" visited by extraterrestrials, the Times found a 1995 photo of Clinton carrying a copy of Paul Davies' book Are We Alone?: Philosophical Implications of the Discovery of Extraterrestrial Life. The Times added that Clinton, if elected, has vowed to unseal government files about UFOs—and that, in 1996, she "was ridiculed after Bob Woodward reported, in his book The Choice, that as the first lady she had held discussions with her deceased role models, Eleanor Roosevelt and Mohandas K. Gandhi." For analysis, we turn to One Day at a Time's extraterrestrial issues correspondent, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII! "Ann!" Emperor Klaktu bellowed over holo-chat, his tentacles writhing in panic. "Ann, other than a rampaging Andromedan acid roach, nothing could concern me more than a Hillary Clinton presidency! This news raises serious questions about the mental stability of someone who wants to be the de facto ruler of an entire planet!" But Klaktu, isn't it only a matter of time until those UFO files are unsealed anyway? "Oh, no, Ann—I'm not mad about any of that alien stuff," Klaktu replied, using his tentacles to point at his eye-stalks. "I mean, obviously. No, what worries me is her pretending to talk to the ghosts of Eleanor Roosevelt and Gandhi. Seriously, what the fuck is that about?"

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11

Let us now turn from interstellar politics to news closer to home—the struggles and challenges of regular people. OR... We could point out that this week, professional idiot Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle site Goop encouraged its readers to purchase the "world's most exclusive massager"—a $15,000 dildo "defined by decadence and elegance" and encased in "lavish 24-karat gold" for "those who understand you can't put a price on pleasure." IN RELATED NEWS... Hunger and homelessness still exist, schools and hospitals can't get funding, 50 million Americans live in poverty, and Gwyneth Paltrow is still the worst person in the world.

THURSDAY, MAY 12

And now, the most awkward headline of the day: "Cannes Opening Night Starts with Rape Joke Aimed at Woody Allen." According to Variety, the 80-year-old director had just received a standing ovation from the Cannes audience, when French comedian/presenter Laurent Lafitte kicked off his introduction of Allen's newest film with the following joke: "It's very nice that you've been shooting so many movies in Europe," Lafitte said directly to Allen. "Even if you are not being convicted for rape in the US." (Imagine hundreds of people gasping in a French accent.) This shocking pronouncement followed an op-ed in this week's Hollywood Reporter from Allen's son, Ronan Farrow, who chastised the media for whitewashing rumors that Woody had allegedly molested his seven-year-old adopted daughter Dylan 23 years ago. Allen has repeatedly denied the charges, and seemed unbothered by the recent jokes and claims. "I am completely in favor of comedians making any jokes they want," Allen told Variety in regard to Lafitte's comedy. "I am a nonjudgmental or [non]-censorship person on jokes." As for the essay written by his son Farrow, he claims he hasn't read it. "I never read what you say about me or the reviews of my film," Allen said. "I don't like to hear that a critic thinks my film is a masterpiece... [or if it] misses." "But this isn't a critic," the Variety reporter responded. "It's your son." Allen remained unmoved. "I've said all I have to say about it." (We'll let you know if Allen manages to make this week any more awkward—and he just might!)

FRIDAY, MAY 13

Nothing brings down property values like Chris Brown! According to TMZ, Brown's neighbors in Tarzana were going crazy this week when Chris and his buddy started doing doughnuts on their ATVs (ending up on various lawns) and raced up and down the street, causing an incredible amount of racket and frightening children. When a neighbor asked him to stop or he'd call the police, Brown allegedly responded, "Fuck you and fuck the cops." (That should be his slogan when he runs for president of the neighborhood association.)

SATURDAY, MAY 14

Speaking of historically terrible neighbors, sad-sack pop star Justin Bieber is sad again, you guys! As you know, Justin has been valiantly trying to put himself on the appropriate spiritual path. (Spoiler alert: getting a cross tattoo under his eye and growing culturally inappropriate blond dreadlocks didn't work). So this week he's taking back his life in two very significant ways: (1) Justin will no longer take pictures with fans because they refuse to "recognize me as a human" and make him "feel like a zoo animal." And (2) "center himself more with religion and nature," according to TMZ. Sources say Biebs has set out on a "spiritual mission," which apparently includes being spotted meditating in a tree—which does not make Justin look like a zoo animal at all. (Actually, he kind of looks like a sloth, if sloths were dicks.)

SUNDAY, MAY 15

Presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump has not had a good week. (Stifle your cheers for the moment.) First it was reported that Trump refused to release his federal income taxes, because "there was nothing to learn from them." Then he agreed to release the forms, but only after they were audited. (Grrrr.) Later it was learned that Trump's former "irreplaceable" butler Anthony Senecal is an icky racist who said President Obama should be shot as an enemy agent. (Senecal is currently under investigation by the US Secret Service.) Then the New York Times produced a lengthy article providing a mountain of evidence that Trump hates and belittles women—a truth we already know to be self-evident. AND THEN it was revealed that Trump has been posing as his own spokesman for decades. For example, in a 1991 interview, the impersonating Trump told a People magazine reporter that, "[Trump] gets called by everybody in the book, in terms of women. Madonna called and wanted to go out with him—that I can tell you." IN A RELATED STORY: Remember when all it took for candidate Howard Dean to get bumped out of the presidential race was to yell "Eaagghhhh" at a rally? Sigh. Those were the days.