MONDAY, MAY 16
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears! Unfortunately, we're kicking things off with some awful news: Kim Kardashian won an award. Sad trombone. Okay, well, it's more like an "award"—the "first-annual Break the Internet Award," according to Us, was handed out at today's Webby Awards. (In other words, this is an "award" just like the "Pulitzer" we "received" last year—when we used construction paper and glitter to make a sparkly certificate anointing ourselves the "Greatest Gossip Columnist EVER.") But despite the "Break the Internet Award" not really being a thing (just like "the Webby Awards" aren't really a thing), Kardashian took her acceptance speech—limited to five words—very seriously, even going so far as to ask Ellen DeGeneres what she thought it should be. ("Um..." DeGeneres joked, no doubt questioning every decision she ever made that led to this position. "I thank Ellen Lee DeGeneres?") Alas, Kardashian eventually decided on something far more... Kardashian-y: "Nude selfies until I die," she promised. Quick, let's talk about something else!
TUESDAY, MAY 17
Remember 2012? Those sweet, halcyon days when we'd never heard of Bernie Bros, when Donald Trump was a D-list reality TV star, and when Hillary Clinton was still pretending she wasn't running for president? Ah. Those were the days. Here's something else that happened in 2012, though: A photog snapped a pic of Clinton sneaking a peek at Christina Aguilera's cleavage. "She was staring at my bosoms," Aguilera recalled this week on The Ellen DeGeneres Show—whose host, yet again, was no doubt questioning every decision she ever made that led to this position. "She supports the girls," Aguilera joked of the photo. "They need support." Now, however, it's Aguilera who's supporting Clinton—calling her "amazing" and a "fearless fighter" and, last fall, hosting a Clinton fundraiser that cost attendees between $500 and $10,000. We don't have any way to wrap this up, dears—it just seems like a nice reminder of what politics are like, here in the year 2016. Let's all take a brief moment to think fondly back to 2012. Sigh.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 18
Tom Cruise has sold his Beverly Hills mansion for $40 million, reports People! "Tom has long planned to leave L.A." and the estate he once shared with ex-wife Katie Holmes, a source gabs. "He doesn't need to be there for work—he's off doing movies all around the world. It's not the center of his life anymore." So where's the new center of Cruise's life? Oh, just Clearwater, Florida—where, not-so-coincidentally, the Church of Scientology is headquartered! "Ann, make no mistake," screeched Scientology's Chief Spokesalien, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "We're delighted to have Tom closer to our 100 percent legitimate church. But you know what I'm really excited for?" Emperor Klaktu then splurted some kind of acid, we think, in what we hope was a display of happiness. "Ann, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter is only an hour and 47-minute drive from Clearwater!" Klaktu continued. "Tom can finally go to Hogsmeade with me! We can get wands at Ollivander's, and drink butterbeer at the Hog's Head Pub, and ride the Escape from Gringotts rollercoaster! Ann! I won't have to go to Wizarding World alone anymore! Tom will come with me every weekend! This is going to be great! So, so great. Now, tell me—do you think Tom's more of a Gryffindor, or more of a Ravenclaw? I want to get him a scarf! I'd say Gryffindor, but I could definitely see him being in Ravenclaw. I'm a Hufflepuff, myself."
THURSDAY, MAY 19
As we all know, Kanye West LOVES going off on interminable, long-winded rants during his concerts. But now Kanye's expanding his repertoire by taking his bloviating to television! He appeared on today's Ellen DeGeneres Show (oh, Ellen, this has been quite a week) and used the opportunity to launch into a mini-rant. (Normally at least 20 minutes long, this one was a mere six-and-a-half minutes of uninterrupted speaking.) It started soon after Ellen (who, again, was no doubt questioning every decision she ever made, etc.) asked Kanye about begging Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for a $53 million investment. "I feel that if I had more resources I could help more people," Kanye said. "I have ideas that could make the human race's existence better within 100 years, period!" This is when he jumped up, and dove into a six-minute rant covering a variety of topics including dead Walt Disney, how we live in Renaissance times, dead Steve Jobs, how successful people also happen to be polymaths, dead Picasso, palling around with Leo DiCaprio and President Obama, and how he wants to be the "Michael Jackson of apparel." When he eventually/thankfully stopped, he apologized to Ellen for his "realness." But like we said earlier, that wasn't anywhere close to his usual 20-minute speeches... so it's more like "mini-realness."
FRIDAY, MAY 20
Let's see who's in trouble on the internet today... oh! It's actress Blake Lively who, while at the Cannes Film Festival, described herself as having an "L.A. face with an Oakland booty"—a reference to Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic "Baby Got Back." And? The internet exploded. "Another day, another rich white woman using WOC's bodies as a punchline and commodity," said Kat Bee on Twitter. "As if Blake Lively wasn't the worst already." (Umm... clearly Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst—but let's not quibble.) "Blake Lively should just go back to running her rich, white privilege website #allshesgoodfor," tweeted Manda Tuckwell. (Again, if it's a competition, Gwynnie has the absolute worst rich, white privilege website—but let's move forward, shall we?) Needless to say there were many, MANY similar comments—enough to inspire Sir Mix-a-Lot himself to come riding to Blake's rescue. In an interview with fashion blog Pret-a-Reporter, Mix claimed the song wasn't originally intended as a "race battle," and while the "song was written with African-American women in mind... there are white women with those curves everywhere, and they were once considered fat. And that's what the song was about." Mix went on to say the song was his tribute to women with body shapes that at the time were not considered beautiful. "I think [Blake's] saying, 'I've got that Oakland booty,' or 'I'm trying to get it.'" Mix-a-Lot theorized. "I think we have to be careful what we wish for as African Americans, because if you say she doesn't have the right to say that, then how do you expect her at the same time to embrace your beauty? I think it's almost a nod of approval, and that was what I wanted. I wanted our idea of beautiful to be accepted." Okay, Mix... that kind of makes sense. But if you ever start defending Gwyneth? We are so done.
SATURDAY, MAY 21
Christina Aguilera's back, dears... and she brought along a g-g-ghost! Those who were excited to see a duet starring Christina and a hologram of the late Whitney Houston—well, you have an odd sense of humor. Also, you'll be disappointed, because Whitney's family has put the kibosh on it. The performance, which was scheduled to air on the season finale of The Voice, was shown to the Houston estate for their approval—which the show's producers did not get. "We are so appreciative of the opportunity for the Whitney Houston hologram to appear on NBC's The Voice," read the estate's statement. "Holograms are new technology that take time to perfect... Whitney's legacy and her devoted fans deserve perfection. After closely viewing the performance, we decided the hologram was not ready to air." On the upside, there's the possibility of a replacement. "Dude, I am so ready to do this!" said the hologram of Fred Durst, formerly of Limp Bizkit. "In fact this is the only way I can do it, since Christina hates me, and they won't let me in the building."
SUNDAY, MAY 22
Tonight was the Billboard Music Awards, and as usual, the only things worth noting were the terrible, terrible decisions that were made. For example? Choosing Madonna to do a tribute to Prince. Dressed like a ghastly purple Liberace, Madge was allowed to warble Prince's "Nothing Compares 2 U" and "Purple Rain"—and because there is no god, Prince didn't ride down from heaven in a little red Corvette and slap the mic out of her hand. Let us never speak of this abomination again.