MONDAY, MAY 23
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your source for the very worst that Hollyweird has to offer! Should you feel bad for reading it? Should we feel bad for writing it? Let's worry about that another day. For now, LET'S GO TO MIAMI... Where, according to the Miami Herald, an Uber driver recently drove Ben Affleck and a mysterious "young blonde woman" from the Standard hotel to Miami International Airport! In addition to noting Affleck was very "surly," the driver also reported "it was obvious that the two passengers had been arguing." So. While we have no way of knowing who this enigmatic blonde was, we can take a guess why Affleck was "surly": Probably because after you've gotten used to zipping around in your very own Batmobile, having to squeeze into the sticky backseat of a grimy Uber is a bit of a downgrade. BUT WAIT! It appears the Miami Herald has pulled their story! Just like Ben Affleck's slave-owning ancestor—you know, the one he tried to get erased from Finding Your Roots—it's like this Uber ride never even existed. Who could be behind such a mysterious mystery? MEANWHILE, IN THE BATCAVE... "Ben Affleck's personal life is none of your business, Ann!" growled a very surly Batman. "Because I am Batman, I have used my amazing bat-computer to utterly erase that preposterous Miami Herald story! Ha! Awesome." Ben Affleck—er, we mean Batman—then leaned back, kicking his bat-boots onto his bat-ottoman. "Also, Ann, thank you for calling this 'the Batcave.' I suppose a more accurate term might be 'Ben Affleck's basement,' but your readers don't have to know that, do they? Ha! Haha! Wait. You aren't going to print that last part, are you?"
TUESDAY, MAY 24
"I'm turning into Johnny Depp's Hannibal Lecter," declared Barnaby Joyce, our hands-down number-one favorite Australian deputy prime minster. "I'm inside his head, I'm pulling little strings, pulling little levers. Long after I've forgotten about Mr. Depp, he's remembering me." For those of us who might've forgotten, Joyce—AKA Johnny Depp's most loathed nemesis—is the Aussie official who threatened to have Depp's dumb little yipping dogs, Pistol and Boo, euthanized after Depp and his wife Amber Heard snuck them into the country, despite knowing full well they were violating Australian laws. As for what tipped off this most recent bit of Barnaby bragging? Well, that'd be Depp, who's whining about what a big meanie Joyce is—this time telling Jimmy Kimmel that Joyce looks "somehow inbred with a tomato." "It's not a criticism," Depp continued, while ostensibly promoting his latest unbearably obnoxious performance in Alice Through the Looking Glass. "I'm just saying, I was a little worried... he might explode." Well now we're worried about Barnaby... let's go check in on him! MEANWHILE, IN AUSTRALIA... Barnaby's doing fine, and is happily, charmingly making fun of Depp from the other side of the world. Three cheers for Barnaby—and our condolences to Johnny Depp. Hey, at least this week can't get any worse for him, right?
WEDNESDAY, MAY 25
ABC is talking to Rob Lowe about being Kelly Ripa's co-host on Live!, and Lowe seems more than happy to discuss the possibility! "I [guest] hosted it with Kelly and had the time of my life," he told ET, because of course he had the time of his life, because he got to hang out with Kelly Ripa, who is the best! "I love her," Lowe continued, again saying things that are so obvious they are literally painful. "I love being able to talk to an audience every morning like that and just being fun, counter-punching, being silly, and talking about cool stuff." CLEARLY... This can only mean one thing: Our audition tape got lost in the mail! Thanks to the restraining order, we had to send it to ABC and not directly to Kelly, see, and you just know it must've been lost.... But don't worry, dears. We're going to fix this, whether it means sneaking into Kelly's house again or killing Rob Lowe. Anyhoo, moving on!
THURSDAY, MAY 26
Aaaaaand right on cue, the week just got astronomically worse for Johnny Depp! In news far less whimsical, Depp's wife Amber Heard has been granted a temporary restraining order against her husband, after telling a judge that Johnny physically abused her last Saturday night. According to court records, Amber accused Johnny of being drunk and high, as well as getting "obsessed" over something pertaining to his mother's recent death. She then testified that Johnny went crazy, allegedly pulling her hair, hitting her, and claiming he "wound up his arm like a baseball pitcher and threw the cell phone at me striking my cheek and eye." Amber also informed the judge she had been "physically and verbally abused" by the actor for the entirety of their relationship. The judge agreed to grant her the restraining order—but refused to include her dog Pistol (of the famed pair Boo and Pistol, see Tuesday), as the judge saw no immediate danger to the pooch. As of press time, Depp has not responded to the allegations, and is currently in Lisbon, Portugal, where he is pictured on Instagram adjusting an old woman's hearing aid for charity with Depp's fellow Hollywood Vampires bandmates Alice Cooper and former Aerosmith musician Joe Perry. And THAT is possibly the strangest sentence we've ever composed in our life. Excuse us while we lie on the couch with a cold compress on our forehead.
FRIDAY, MAY 27
Today in "revenge is a dish best served cold," Forbes magazine revealed that Hulk Hogan's lawsuit against Gawker Media is being funded by no less than Silicon Valley billionaire and PayPal co-founder Peter Thiel. Apparently the powerfully rich Thiel has had an ax to grind with the media company ever since they outed him as gay nearly a decade ago—so he was all too happy to help Hogan successfully sue Gawker for $140 million in damages after they posted a video of the ex-wrestler having consensual sex with the wife of a radio shock jock. (Let's pause to acknowledge to one another that this is just a really fucking weird week. Onward.) After Thiel admitted bankrolling Hogan's lawsuit (though in the New York Times interview he said he considered it more like philanthropy, and doesn't see anything wrong with billionaires trying to influence the court system), Gawker founder Nick Denton penned a huffy open letter to the billionaire, defending his organization's journalistic integrity (AHEM... that's kind of pushing it, dontcha think?) and labeling Thiel a "thin-skinned billionaire" with a "diabolical decade-long scheme for revenge," adding, "you are redefining yourself as a comic-book villain." Stay tuned to see which terrible person ultimately defeats the other terrible person.
SATURDAY, MAY 28
It's always fun to watch smug 'n' leathery Sean Penn wallow in misery, but no one loves it more than ex-wife (and House of Cards star) Robin Wright. Penn's latest film project, The Last Face, recently premiered at Cannes and was met with a chorus of sneers and jeers from critics. Why does this delight Ms. Wright? According to sources talking to Page Six, Wright had been trying to bring The Last Face to the screen for years, only to have it unceremoniously snatched from her by Penn not long after their icky divorce. And now? "Robin is thrilled the movie bombed," says the source, "She has too much class to say so publicly, but this was her baby." Well, happily for us, our level of class is somewhat lower than Ms. Wright's. Soooo... stick THAT in your nasty butthole, you sun-damaged, washed-up, has-been piece of moldy beef jerky! (Ahem. Has anyone seen our pearls?)
SUNDAY, MAY 29
Comedian and commentator W. Kamau Bell wrote a piece for CNN this weekend about Portland and (uh oh... here it comes) its racist history. (You saw that coming, didn't you?) After professing his love for our city, he notes that it's not the residents who make him uncomfortable, it's the distinct and noticeable lack of black people in the city's center. "Much like lima beans on a child's plate," Bell wrote, "the black people of Portland are pushed from the center out to the edges, where there seems to be a childlike attempt to forget them. So in my M. Night Shyamalan movie about Portland, I'm walking around the well-laid-out streets muttering to myself, 'I see no black people.' And this is not an accident. The history of Oregon is partially the history of a state that legislated not wanting black people around." Bell goes on to give a brief history of Oregon's anti-black laws and Portland's shameful history of redlining (in which banks refused to grant mortgages and loans to black residents). The story is a bracing reminder for those who discount gentrification as merely "fetishizing nostalgia." Because nostalgia isn't all we're losing. We're losing the people that Portland desperately needs to be a major city the world can respect.