MONDAY, JUNE 6
Well, dears, we'd hoped we could avoid talking about the new nerd movie Warcraft—mostly because Hubby Kip is threatening to take us to it, as part of what he calls a "romantic date night" (for the record, this all but guarantees there will be zero "romance" in his foreseeable future). But apparently, Jamie Lee Curtis is just going to make us talk about Warcraft. Sigh. Let's get this over with as soon as possible (just like we do with "romance" with Hubby Kip). This evening Curtis and her son showed up at the Hollywood premiere of Warcraft—and they were dressed up, respectively, as an "orc shaman" and an "orc warrior." Curtis—smeared in bright green face paint, wearing an intricate blood-red robe, wielding a bejeweled staff, and sporting an elaborate crown with giant horns—Instagrammed that the Warcraft movie was "spectacular," and... and... OKAY. We were going to make fun of Jamie Lee Curtis for being the biggest nerd in the world (of Warcraft) but we just can't, because this is adorable. Curtis went on to tell Entertainment Tonight that it was her son's idea to dress up! "The astonishing thing about being a parent is that your children bring things to you that you would never, ever, ever, ever know," she said, "and you hope that you bring a few things to them that are interesting." Now that's good parenting. In a column that's all too often filled with depressing news about how 99 percent of celebrities are terrible, awful, no-good parents, we're hereby declaring Curtis a great parent—and a great orc shaman, whatever the hell that is. (Note to Hubby Kip: No, we're still not going to Warcraft with you. Also, your costume looks like crap compared to Jamie Lee's.)
TUESDAY, JUNE 7
We don't know why anyone else bothered writing headlines this week, given that People just wrote the best headline in the history of headlines: "Bobby Brown Claims He Had Sex with a Ghost—and Other Bombshells from His Upcoming 20/20 Interview." Please, do go on! "I bought this mansion in Georgia," Brown helpfully explained. "This was a really, really spooky place. But yes, one time, I woke up, and yeah, a ghost. I was being mounted by a ghost." Brown—who later clarified that during his supernatural sexcapade he "wasn't high" and he "was not trippin'"—went on to discuss other aspects of his life, including the late Whitney Houston and Bobbi Kristina Brown, but, sadly, did not offer any more details about getting mounted by a horny ghost. Also, we have no way to end this blurb, because nothing else can possibly equal the fact that Bobby Brown claims he had sex with a ghost.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8
Last night, Hillary Clinton made history, claiming the Democratic presidential nomination. "Reaching for history," the New York Times reported, "Mrs. Clinton pledged to build on the achievements of pioneers like the 19th century leaders at Seneca Falls, New York, who began the fight for women's rights in America." "Tonight caps an amazing journey—a long, long journey," Clinton told supporters, as she geared up for a fight with the repugnant Donald Trump. Clinton's win also firmly eliminated any chance Bernie Sanders might have had to win the nomination—a fact that, sadly, Sanders seemed intent to ignore. But even with the Democratic Party split between support for two strong candidates, the Times noted that "Mrs. Clinton's supporters, pointing both to the threat from Mr. Trump and to her chance at making history, predicted that she would have an easier time bringing her party together than Mr. Trump would his." "I think that will sink in over the next few weeks and months and will go a long way to helping unite the party," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "I was on the bike this morning and saw on TV that Monday night, Hillary had won the nomination, and I got teary-eyed. From a 10,000-foot perspective, it's an amazing accomplishment."
THURSDAY, JUNE 9
Speaking of amazing accomplishments, Justin Bieber has miraculously avoided getting the snot beaten out of him for almost the entirety of his adult life—until now! With the unrestrained glee of pimply-faced teens screaming "fight, fight, fight" behind a middle-school cafeteria, TMZ reported that Bieber was involved in a "huge fist fight" (it wasn't) with a fan outside his Cleveland hotel tonight. According to a witness on the scene, Bieber was in a grumpy mood (because... Bieber) when a "man twice his size" began filming him with his phone. When Biebs told him to stop, the man allegedly took a poke at him, and the former dreadlock-wearing Justin (never forget) popped him in the face, and was subsequently buried under a throng of men and their sweaty testosterone. (That sounded more erotic than we intended.) The following day Justin posted a picture of himself on Instagram to prove that his beautiful face remained unharmed—much to the disappointment of thousands—and when asked what he thought of the two-second brawl, professional boxer Floyd Mayweather said this of Justin: "He showed he ain't no bitch." OH YOU MEN. Why don't all of you just fuck each other and get it over with?
FRIDAY, JUNE 10
As we reported last week, actress Amber Heard is divorcing scarf-wearing hubby Johnny Depp, alleging he verbally and physically abused her throughout their relationship. (She didn't specifically mention his scarves, but we'll take that as a given.) Human worms have been crawling out of the woodwork to discount Amber's allegations, and the latest worm is actor Benicio Del Toro, whose total experience with the couple is seeing them out "at dinner for the Oscars or something like that" and co-starring with Johnny in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which was filmed... when? Almost 20 years ago? Hmm. Okay. Well, let's hear what this so-called "expert" has to say about Johnny and Amber's relationship: "It seems the fact his mom passed away and she filed for divorce two days later and then she wants money and she's saying she got hit, it's like wait... I saw them not too long ago [at dinner]... and they were fine." In those scant moments Del Toro saw them, he also apparently gleaned enough to accuse Heard of being "manipulative" and "twisted." OH YOU MEN. Why don't you all just go fuck yourselves and get it over with?
SATURDAY, JUNE 11
And so a horrible weekend begins: 22-year-old singer and former contestant on NBC's The Voice, Christina Grimmie, was signing autographs following a show at Orlando, Florida's the Plaza Live theater when a man approached her with a gun and opened fire. The man was tackled by the singer's brother and quickly killed himself. Grimmie died on the way to the hospital. While the motives of the shooter (who will remain unnamed, because fuck him) are currently unknown, it's assumed he was a crazed fan of the singer, who was somehow allowed possession of deadly weapons. Because no matter how many people have to senselessly die, the cowards of America want their guns—and their hobby is seemingly far more important than the grief of those who are left behind.
SUNDAY, JUNE 12
The madness continues: Early this morning at gay nightclub Pulse in Orlando, Florida, a man (who will remain unnamed, because fuck him) murdered 49 people and wounded 53 more with an assault rifle that was legally obtained—even while he was under investigation by the FBI. According to multiple people who knew the murderer, he was a racist, an abuser, and possibly a closeted gay self-loathing homophobe who claimed ties to the Islamic State. A former coworker at a security firm even quit his job after multiple complaints about the murderer's mental instability were ignored. And so once again we are faced with a horrible massacre—the worst mass shooting in modern US history and worst ever directed at the LGBT community on American soil—where the murderer was given free rein to purchase a gun that has no other purpose other than to kill human beings. One is forced to wonder, if the public massacres of children, university students, women at Planned Parenthood, and now 49 people at a gay club is not enough to make legislators stop coddling cowardly gun owners and the National Rifle Association—what will? Their fear—their cowardice—continues to assist those who are taking our sons, daughters, and family members away from us.