MONDAY, JUNE 13
In an era where the free press is having a tough time—i.e., an era in which a billionaire throwing a hissy fit can use a Hulk Hogan sex tape to bankrupt the once-mighty Gawker—we probably shouldn't find the following story as funny as we do. AND YET. "Justin Bieber Is Trying to Get a Gossip Website He Doesn't Like Shut Down," writes Dlisted, which goes on to point out that Bieber really doesn't like hollywoodlife.com! Dlisted adds that Bieber (who's been attempting to seduce 21-year-old actress Nicola Peltz, whom you don't remember from The Last Airbender, Bates Motel, and some Transformers or other) took umbrage with the Hollywood Life's cock-blocking headline "Gigi Hadid Warns Nicola Peltz About Justin Bieber: He's A 'Heart-Breaker' Who'll Hurt You." And thus, L'il Beebs demanded justice from the highest court in the land—Instagram. "The website Hollywoodlife is untruthful and hurtful let's spam them and petition to shut them down! GO!!" Das Biebs posted on Insta, summoning his mighty army of tweens into action. AND YET. "Justin called out Hollywood Life 10 hours ago, and as you can see, Hollywood Life still exists," Dlisted writes. "Which means Justin's Instagram tantrum didn't really do much but show everyone that he really doesn't understand how the internet works." In related news, Dlisted tagged their story under "Douche Fights," meaning we have a new fave gossip site! Nobody tell Justin, though—he might try to get Dlisted (and the Mercury, and everyone else on the planet) shut down. Even though he'd fail, since he doesn't know how the internet works.
TUESDAY, JUNE 14
But you know who does know how the internet works? Kim Kardashian, the screeching harpy who, after clawing her way out of her blood-acid chrysalis, escaped the reeking flames of Hell to infest Los Angeles (a totally different sort of unholy torture pit). Kardashian did this in no small part by wrapping the internet around her little finger—just as she did this week with GQ writer Caity Weaver. "Kim Kardashian West's boob is so soft it makes velvet feel like splinters," Weaver's fawning profile of Kim K begins. "It makes the fur on a baby bunny's tummy feel like a plastic bag of syringes. It is so soft that touching it is like scooping up the delicate pink dawn sky with your fingers, or holding a ball of lotion in your hand. It is softer than the thick, warm, all-enveloping smoothness that caresses a globule of wax as it travels up a lava lamp. I know this because Kim Kardashian West has just put down her passion-fruit iced tea and peeled back her sleeveless Adidas x Kanye West bodysuit so that I could place my hand on it (the boob) while we eat dinner under the furious early stars at the Beverly Hills Hotel." The GQ story went on to address things other than breasts—like the fact that Kim insists Taylor Swift is a giant liar (GASP), that Kim makes far, far more money than Kanye (GASP!), and historical inaccuracies in The People v. OJ Simpson ("[The show] said [OJ] tried to kill himself in my bedroom," Kim notes, "and it was Khloé's bedroom, not my bedroom") (... GASP?). In conclusion, the GQ story is well worth reading, because reading it will make you feel as if you are going insane.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15
Following America's latest mass shooting—by which we mean the one in Orlando, though by the time this sees print, who knows, we'll probably have had five or six more—politicians engaged in their usual theatrics to make it look like they were doing something about it. This time? Senate Democrats participated in a symbolic 14-hour filibuster, pretending all along that America might get some meaningful and sensible gun control laws. This is us, not holding our breath. MEANWHILE... As for things that will happen, we turn to a question that's kept us up at night: When will Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston do the sexing? We finally have the answer: They are! Right now! "Tinker Taylor Snogs a Spy," reads the perfect headline from Brit tabloid the Sun. "The 26-year-old superstar singer has moved on to The Night Manager actor, who is 35, just two weeks after dumping Scottish DJ Calvin Harris. The pair... locked lips during a romantic day out on a beach in the US state of Rhode Island." Well, that's delightful, and congrats to two of the world's most beautiful people finally realizing they should be doing the sexing with each other. Also, congrats to the garbage state of Rhode Island, which, for the first time in its crappy existence, has been mentioned in the same sentence as "romantic." Everybody wins!
THURSDAY, JUNE 16
Today revealed even more delish gossip regarding Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston's hot make-out sesh in (ugh) Rhode Island. Soon after the Sun posted pictures of the tongue-wrasslin' tourney on the internet, former heartthrob Calvin Harris saw them—and reportedly went WAH-WAH-WAH, according to TMZ. A source told the site that Calvin is "pissed and feels betrayed by her." And to prove his intense displeasure, he unleashed the millennial's most potent revenge tactic: He unfollowed her on social media! NO, CALVIN, NO!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! The gossip site also reported that Tay-Tay dumped Cal-Cal over the phone-phone—which ironically was the same way Taylor was dumped by former love Joe Jonas way back in 2008. (Sadly for Calvin, he doesn't have the musical chops to write a devastating revenge song à la Taylor—but he CAN continue to sign up for various social media platforms, follow her, and then unfollow her! So there's that?)
FRIDAY, JUNE 17
Waaaaaaitasecond... remember that gun control legislation filibuster on the Senate floor the other day? And remember all those senators who were finally doing something about the gun massacres that regularly terrorize our country? Ummm... where was Senator Bernie Sanders during all that? As someone who presumably wants to lead our country, wouldn't it give his followers hope and strengthen his own (weak) position in the race to take a one-hour flight from Vermont to Washington, DC, in order to make his voice heard and support his compatriots on the Senate floor? As it turns out, Bernie—who, it should be noted, voted against the Brady Bill five times—was just too busy to attend, because he was preparing for yesterday's major announcement about the upcoming "political revolution." And what new information did this major announcement yield? That we should all join together to defeat Donald Trump (yeah, we kinda already knew that), and that he was not yet bowing out of the race (yeah, we kinda figured that, too). Maybe he should wake us up when he's ready to do his job—rather than just talk about it.
SATURDAY, JUNE 18
During a world tour performance in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Justin Bieber was making a big show of pulling up his droopy pants when he suddenly fell through a hole on the stage and temporarily disappeared. He was apparently unharmed, and unfortunately the hole was of the regular variety, and not one that led to a fiery lake in the middle of Hell. "Yeah... sorry about that," Satan said when asked for comment. "The demon who conjured that particular hole is so fired."
SUNDAY, JUNE 19
Speaking of "so fired," Donald Trump's campaign manager Corey Lewandowski is "so fired!" Trump's spokeswoman Hope Hicks announced that while they are "grateful to Corey for his hard work and dedication," he is "no long working with the campaign." While Corey's previous strategy, "letting Trump be Trump"—which is to say, a misogynistic, racist shit-bag—has made him the presumptive Republican nominee, Trump's recent spates of blunders have alienated himself further from the party, damaged his previously high polling numbers, and has put the campaign in serious danger of imploding. These blunders include, but are not limited to, recent racist remarks about a federal judge, repeated calls to ban Muslims entry to the United States (while accusing the American Muslim community of knowing about terrorist attacks and not saying anything to authorities), as well as promoting racial profiling. Corey also ran into problems after consistently shit-talking the Republican establishment, and even faced misdemeanor charges for roughing up a female Breitbart reporter who came too close to Trump. Many in the Trump campaign are all too happy that Corey has been shown the door, including high-ranking staffer Michael Caputo who, after Corey's dismissal, tweeted, "Ding dong the witch is dead." Will this staff change signal a new, less morally repugnant Trump? In our opinion they'll have a better chance trying to teach a dog not to eat cat shit.