KATIE HOLMES AND JAMIE FOXX Finally! A relationship we can masturbate to!

MONDAY, JUNE 20

Hello, dears, and welcome once again to One Day at a Time, which takes unnatural delight in the soon-to-be doomed love affair of Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. To catch you up: Within two weeks of TSwift swiftly dumping longtime DJ beau Calvin Harris, she was caught tongue wrestlin' the somewhat attractive Hiddleston—a Brit gentleman nine years her senior. This infuriated Calvin, who took the drastic measures of unfollowing her on every possible social media platform. (This is the millennial version of "scorching the earth.") Anyway, this new romance has inspired countless tabloid stories, including one about the pair openly groping each other at a Selena Gomez concert (poor Tom), and this eye-rollingly terrible article from E! News titled, "Why Taylor Swift Thinks Tom Hiddleston Could Possibly Be 'The One.'" It contains an opinion from an unnamed source who could've easily written the Twilight saga. "[Taylor] felt like she was a little school girl with a huge crush," the source breathily moaned. "She loves the fact that Tom acts like such a mature man. She loves that he is older. She feels very safe and protected with him." OH SHUT THE FUCK UP. That quote makes us want to murder the earth and ToTay's stupid baby relationship along with it. (Or maybe we'll just unfollow them on Instagram. Either/or.)

TUESDAY, JUNE 21

In other relationship news, the ridiculously named Jinger Duggar—one of several hundred Duggar children featured in the horrible Christian reality show 19 Kids and Counting—has a new boy-toy to show off to a disinterested world: extremely handsome former soccer player Jeremy Vuolo! BUT HOLD YOUR HORSES, LADIES AND GAY GENTS. While the words "handsome soccer player" may inspire certain body parts to rise to attention, listen to this: Jeremy recently retired from the pro soccer world "to start spreading the word of the Lord like his pastor father," according to Dlisted. Unnngggggh. Well, there go our masturbation plans for the evening. MEANWHILE... E! News is squealing the words we've been waiting forever to hear: "Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx's Relationship Finally Confirmed." Let us be the first to say, "WE KNEW IT." We've heard countless murmurs of these two hotties boning behind the scenes, even as they both violently denied the boning. The news comes from Real Housewives of Atlanta star Claudia Jordan who, when asked by the host of the Allegedly podcast what she thought of Jamie's relationship with Katie, said this: "He is very happy with her. I like that he seems happy." THAT IS CONFIRMATION, PEOPLE. And it goes along with "multiple confirmations" from friends and inside sources, according to E! News. Finally! A relationship we can masturbate to!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22

Masturbation: cancelled. This just in from E! News, who apparently just had a loooooong discussion with Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes' legal team: According to Real Housewives of Atlanta star Claudia Jordan—WHO JUST SAID, JUST NOW that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are very happy together—they are neither happy nor together. BOOOOOOOOO!!!! "I have no knowledge of Jamie with Katie at all," said the lying (or more likely, threatened) reality star. "I've never seen them together, he's never told me he's dating her." That's quite a walk back! Well, crafty Mr. Foxx and wily Ms. Holmes—it seems you have escaped our peering (but soft and beautiful) eyes once again. But mark our words, and with god as our witness—YOU TWO WILL BE BONING. AND WE WILL BE MASTURBATING. Count on it!

THURSDAY, JUNE 23

This morning, Democrats ended a 24-hour sit-in on the floor of the House of Representatives designed as a big FUCK YOU to obstructionist Republicans who steadfastly refuse to support what the majority of Americans desperately want: an end to gun violence. Led by 76-year-old Georgia Representative John Lewis—who also participated in the 1965 civil rights march in Selma, Alabama—the unprecedented protest included impassioned speeches from House members who also held up names and pictures of shooting victims. Unsurprisingly, Republicans were unimpressed and attempted to conduct their non-business as usual, and even ordered C-SPAN cameras to be shut off (though this was thwarted by Democrats who live-streamed video from their phones). "I don't think this should be a very proud moment for democracy," House Speaker Paul Ryan whined to reporters before adding that Democrats were setting a "dangerous precedent." After years of willful obstruction from the Republican Congress, that's a goddamn laugh—and just so Ryan knows, we couldn't possibly be prouder.

FRIDAY, JUNE 24

"British voters have defied the will of their leaders, foreign allies, experts, and much of the political establishment by opting to rupture this country's primary connection to Europe in a stunning result that will radiate vast economic, political, and security uncertainty across the globe," wrote the Washington Post from London yesterday, really not holding back at all with what they think about the Brexit. "The stunning turn of events was accompanied by a plunge in the financial markets, with the value of the British pound and stock prices plummeting," the New York Times added, trying to keep the screeching panic out of its voice as it added that the Brexit is "sure to reshape the nation's place in the world, rattle the continent, and rock political establishments throughout the West." Elsewhere, many pointed out that Britain's "Leave" campaign—which relied heavily on exploiting fear of immigrants, anti-government sentiment, and outright lies—just might have a few parallels to America's upcoming presidential election. In other words, now's the time to start paying attention and start getting involved. Otherwise, we might end up like the Brits—who, according to Google Trends, woke up this morning and promptly started Googling "What does it mean to leave the EU?" "What is the EU?" And "What will happen now we've left the EU?" Whoops.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25

"Uma Thurman had a nasty fall from a horse and broke multiple bones this week," Page Six reports. "Uma was in an equestrian accident," explained one of Uma's reps, using that same old "equestrian accident" excuse we've been using for ages. "She was training on a young thoroughbred who got spooked. She was thrown and broke a few bones." Weird. We've used the "training on a young thoroughbred who got spooked" excuse before, too! In our case, though, it didn't involve a horse.

SUNDAY, JUNE 26

Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren are already acting like running mates, points out Slate, which notes the two have begun sharing the stage at Clinton campaign events. "The joint appearance was widely considered to be a vice-presidential-nomination audition for Warren," wrote Slate's Josh Voorhees, "but watching the action, you would be forgiven for thinking she already has the part." Now that any hope of a Bernie Sanders campaign is thoroughly dead (though... no one seems to have told Sanders? Should... should someone tell him? Should we tell him?), a team-up between Clinton and the significantly more progressive Warren would be pretty ideal for liberals... which is why it probably won't happen. Chances are, Clinton—ever the obnoxiously pragmatic pragmatist—will try to pick someone who'll help her campaign appeal to more conservative voters. Depressingly, that's code for "someone who is a man, and also someone who is white"—but all the same, we're going to keep our fingers crossed that maybe, just maybe, these two ladies might join forces.