MONDAY, JULY 4
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Happy Independence Day, dears! We hope you enjoyed your barbecues, your fireworks, and your creeping realization that, as America celebrates her 240th birthday, she seems closer than ever to plummeting forevermore into utter chaos. *salutes flag* *waves sparkler* Anyhoo, let’s see what’s going on in Canada! "A 61-year-old man from Northern Ontario said he was lucky to walk away with only scratches after facing off against a 320-pound black bear with only his fists and the skills gleaned from years of featherweight boxing," reports the Guardian. Please, go on. "I knew it would swing first with its left but it would really come with its right, because most bears are right-handed," bear-punching hero Rick Nelson helpfully explained—recalling how, after surprising a black bear and her cub while walking his dog, he "did an underhand and hit it right in the snout," balancing out the fact that the pissed-off mama bear had already given him "inches-long gashes" on his face and chest. "Believe me, when you’ve got adrenaline pumping, you can hit," the former featherweight boxer continued. "Even at 61 with gray hair, you can still hit hard." Nelson’s punch left the bear dazed, until eventually, "snorting blood," she wandered back into the woods with her cub. In conclusion, Canada—a country where the beautiful Justin Trudeau is prime minister, where they have socialized health care, and where 61-year-old dudes casually beat up bears while walking their dogs—is doing significantly better than America these days. Can-a-da! Can-a-da! Can-a-da!
TUESDAY, JULY 5
"Hillary Clinton may not be indicted on criminal charges over her handling of classified email, but the FBI director, James B. Comey, all but indicted her judgment and competence on Tuesday—two vital pillars of her presidential candidacy—and in the kind of terms that would be politically devastating in a normal election year," wrote the New York Times today. "The silver lining for Mrs. Clinton is that this is not a normal election year." In other words? Clinton’s running against Donald Trump—which means even though, as Comey pointed out, Clinton and her staff "were extremely careless in their handing of very sensitive, highly classified information" and possibly handed top-secret information to "hostile actors"... well, she’s still a better candidate than Trump. In even other words, this is shaping up to be exactly the kind of prestigious election between beloved candidates that America’s forefathers hoped for. *salutes flag* *waves sparkler* *pukes* (Sorry, dears. We ate a lot of pasta salad yesterday.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6
We haven’t seen Hubby Kip for the past... wait. When was the last time we saw him? He’s been MIA ever since he—like seemingly every other stupid child and overgrown dweeb on the planet—downloaded Pokémon Go, Nintendo’s new mobile game that helps stupid children and overgrown dweebs find digital Pokémons in their neighborhoods. Oh, and dead bodies, too! It also helps them find dead bodies! "Nineteen-year-old Shayla Wiggins, from Wyoming, was told to find a Pokémon in a natural water source but instead found a man's corpse," notes the BBC. "I was walking toward the bridge along the shore when I saw something in the water," Wiggins said, explaining how she approached Big Wind River after being told by the app that a friendly Pokémon could be found there. "I had to take a second look," Wiggins continued, "and I realized it was a body." Good times, Nintendo. Good times. MEANWHILE, IN MISSOURI... "Police in O’Fallon, Missouri, believe four suspects used Pokémon Go to set up a string of armed robberies," writes Polygon. "Apparently," the O’Fallon Missouri Police Department wrote on Facebook, the criminals "were using the app to locate ppl standing around in the middle of a parking lot" while playing Pokémon. Right. Standing around like NERDS. And then? Well, then the crooks robbed the nerds at gunpoint. And then they did it again and again, because nerds are nothing if not predictable. "If you use this app (or other similar-type apps) or have children that do," the O’Fallon police continued, "we ask you to please use caution when alerting strangers of your future location." Sigh. Hold on, dears. We’ll be right back. We’ve got to go find Hubby Kip in a parking lot. Sigh.
THURSDAY, JULY 7
Unfortunately the time for sparklers, flag waving, and Pokémon baby games are over—because we’re back to America’s least favorite pastime: police killing black people. Early Tuesday morning, Alton B. Sterling—a 37-year-old Baton Rouge man selling CDs in front of a convenience store—was Tasered and pinned down by police, who then shot Sterling multiple times in the chest and back, in what appeared to be less of an arrest and more of an execution. Then on Wednesday, in the primarily white city of Falcon Heights, Minnesota, 32-year-old Philando Castile was driving with his girlfriend, Diamond Reynolds, and her four-year-old daughter, when police pulled him over, allegedly for having a broken taillight. Castile informed the officer he had a concealed weapon in the car, and as he reached for his license and registration, the officer opened fire, shooting him, according to Reynolds, "four or five times." In a shocking Facebook livestream video, Reynolds showed the immediate aftermath of the shooting: the severely injured Castile slumped forward; Reynolds telling the officer that Castile was only reaching for his license; the four-year-old in the backseat trying to comfort Reynolds saying, "It's okay, Mommy"; and the police officer keeping his weapon trained at the car’s inhabitants, doing nothing to assist the mortally wounded Castile. MEANWHILE... "Those of us who recognize the injustice are not the problem," wrote Roxane Gay in an opinion piece for the New York Times. "Law enforcement that sees black people as criminals rather than human beings with full and deserving lives is the problem. A justice system that rarely prosecutes or convicts police officers... is the problem. That this happens so often that resignation or apathy are reasonable responses is the problem."
FRIDAY, JULY 8
And the hits just keep on coming: Five Dallas police officers were killed today (and eight others were wounded) when a sniper opened up on them during an otherwise peaceful Black Lives Matter rally protesting the deaths of Alton B. Sterling and Philando Castile. The shooter—who will remain unnamed here because FUCK HIM—was allegedly angry about the shootings earlier in the week and white people in general, and according to the police, laughed, sang, and taunted authorities as they attempted to negotiate with him. He was eventually killed by police who used a bomb attached to a remote control robot. We would be remiss not to mention that these officers were killed by an SKS semi-automatic rifle and a handgun with a high-capacity magazine—both of which were legally obtained by the shooter thanks to obstructionist Republicans who continue to refuse to do anything about gun control. The 12 murdered high school students and teacher of Columbine; the 20 six- and seven-year-olds and six adults at Sandy Hook; the 49 LGBTQ community members at the Pulse club in Miami; and now five police officers. When does the government’s inaction finally become criminal?
SATURDAY, JULY 9
Moving on to noncriminal but certainly stupid behavior, The O.C.’s Mischa Barton—who is certainly old enough to avoid gossip tabloid behavior by now—wrote what she thought was a moving tribute to the police shooting of Alton B. Sterling on Instagram. (Spoiler alert: It was unsuccessful.) "I’m truly heart broken to watch videos like the #altonsterling execution," Barton wrote. "We need gun control and unity. The world is a precarious place right now. #stop #reflect and #act appropriately." And why was this so wrong? Because the attached photo pictured Barton. With a sad face. Dressed in a black bikini. ON A YACHT. WITH A GLASS OF ROSÉ IN HER HAND. Yeah, one might say it came off a tad bit "tone deaf." Looks like someone forgot to #stop, #reflect, or #act appropriately. #SIGH.
SUNDAY, JULY 10
Let’s end this week on a positive note, shall we? You’ll all be thrilled to know that while American civilization crumbles around us at an alarming pace, Taylor Swift could not be happier with her new boyfriend hunk, Tom Hiddleston. In fact, according to an unnamed Swift Squad™ member who gabbed to E! News, "This is the kind of a man she would want to marry. She has said he would make a great dad [and] kids are something they would both like down the line. They have very real and serious conversations about life." GUYS. We know this has been a terrible, heartbreaking week. We know you have probably lost all hope in humanity, and the opportunity for change. But Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston are having "very real and serious conversations about life!" And if that doesn’t give you hope for the future—then tune in next week! Maybe Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus will offer a better solution?