MONDAY, AUGUST 1
“We’re really in a pussy generation,” Clint Eastwood grumbled this week. (Sorry, dears! Usually we start One Day at a Time off on a slightly more upbeat note, but, well... blame Clint.) “Everybody’s walking on eggshells,” Eastwood rambled to Esquire. “We see people accusing people of being racist and all kinds of stuff. When I grew up, those things weren't called racist.” Oh, and Eastwood said something else, too: That he’s going to vote for Donald Trump. Sigh. “He’s said a lot of dumb things. So have all of them. Both sides,” Eastwood mumbled, in that particular kind of befuddlement unique to people who are both very, very old and very, very dumb. “But everybody—the press and everybody’s going, 'Oh, well, that’s racist,’ and they’re making a big hoodoo out of it. Just fucking get over it. It’s a sad time in history.” It is, Clint—partly because idiots like Esquire keep asking what your 86-year-old ass thinks about current events! Go ahead and use the word “hoodoo” again, you senile jackass. THANKFULLY... the Human Rights Campaign’s national press secretary, Sarah McBride, heroically took to Twitter! “Clint Eastwood was born in 1930,” McBride pointed out. “Let’s start a list of things that weren't considered racist when he was growing up.” Said list included: Jim Crow laws, a segregated military, lynching, poll taxes, Klan membership, anti-miscegenation laws, and “literally the entire experience of being black in America in the 1930s.” MEANWHILE... The tragedies keep coming, as Adele's credit card was declined at H&M! “The 'mortified’ singer was trying to pay for some affordable fashion items but had to cancel the transaction when the payment could not be authorized by her bank,” reports the Mirror. Thankfully, Adele—who is worth £85 million—was able to buy some stuff at Sephora, but still? We love Adele. Being embarrassed at H&M is not what she deserved, or what we needed to hear! And why wouldn’t the H&M clerk just let it slide? She’s Adele. Hrmph! Let’s hope there’s some good news on Tuesday, because this week’s off to a terrible start.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 2
Good news, everybody! “In an extraordinary denunciation of Donald J. Trump’s temperament and competence, President Obama urged leaders of the Republican Party on Tuesday to withdraw their endorsements of Mr. Trump’s candidacy, flatly calling him 'unfit to serve’ as the nation’s 45th president,” reports the New York Times. According to presidential historian Douglas Brinkley, the last time a sitting president talked this much trash about a presidential candidate was in 1952, when President Harry S. Truman said of Dwight D. Eisenhower that he didn’t know “any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday.” (Oh... kay? Insults were different back then, so we’re guessing this caused a real big hoodoo in ’52.) AND IN OTHER GOOD NEWS... Zac Efron thinks the Rock should run for president! Last week, dears, we wrote that wrestler/actor/charmer Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was considering running for America’s highest office... a possibility that we, of course, are definitely in favor of. Just like Zac! “He wants to make an impact beyond acting,” Efron, who will star with the Rock in the upcoming Baywatch film, explained to the Brits at the Sunday Times. “Fuck it, he'd be better than anyone at this point.” Our fellow Americans, let’s start printing the bumper stickers now: “FUCK IT: VOTE ROCK/EFRON IN 2020.”
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3
This week in Sardinia, Katy Perry went paddleboarding with her new boy toy Orlando Bloom... and while Perry rocked a swimsuit, Bloom decided to go au naturel. “In pictures which have sent the internet wild, the Brit actor, 39, looks completely confident in the nude as he paddles Katy, who opted to wear a bikini, around the crystal blue waters,” reports the Daily Mail. And paddling wasn’t all Bloom did: He also clambered over rocks, flounced around the beach, and waggled his hoodoo for all the paparazzi to see. “Interesting, interesting,” observed Hubby Kip, leaning close to our computer to examine the paparazzi pics. “You know, according to some scholars of Middle-earth, the brilliant professor J.R.R. Tolkien may have originally intended the sprightly elves of Lothlórien to frolic about in the nude, thus making this expedition seem quite an adventure for Orlando—or should I say, our brave elf Legolas Greenleaf!” Behold, dears: The only possible thing that could make us more disappointed in Hubby Kip than if we just caught him leering at pics of Katy Perry in a bikini.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 4
Ahhhhh... here’s something that will brighten your day: George Zimmerman—the Florida man acquitted in 2013 for murdering unarmed teen Trayvon Martin “in self-defense”—was punched in his stupid, racist face. The incident went down at a restaurant after Zimmerman reportedly stopped to compliment a fellow diner on his Confederate flag tattoos (!!!) and then began bragging that he was the one who killed Martin (!!!). (And ugh!!) A bystander overheard the conversation and told Zimmerman to "get the fuck out of here." When he didn’t, the bystander punched Zimmerman's stupid, racist face in. “This man just punched me in the face,” Zimmerman cried to a 911 operator. “You need to send three or four cops!” Sadly for Zimmerman, the bystander reportedly fled before cops arrived, and has yet to be found (and probably never will be). Looks like this time, justice will not be served... but Zimmerman is used to that, isn’t he?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 5
Earlier this week Orlando Bloom waggled his hoodoo in public while vacationing with gal pal Katy Perry—and the internet rejoiced. Not to be outdone, Orlando’s intellectually diminished nemesis, Justin Bieber, went out of his way to make sure his wiener was photographed as well—while skinny-dipping with swimsuit model pal Sahara Ray. Many suspect this was yet another of Bieber’s failed infantile attempts to strike back at Orlando following their hilarious 2014 slap fight, which started when Justin made moves on Bloom’s then-wife Miranda Kerr. Unfortunately for Justin, this particular "Battle of the Celebrity Penises" was lost when his flaccid penis refused to do anything impressive in the photographs, and instead bobbed joylessly in the water while screaming at the paparazzi, "Don't judge meeeeeeeeee!"
SATURDAY, AUGUST 6
Looks like the relationship between Lindsay Lohan and her terribly named boy toy Egor Tarabasov is exploding in an icky way. As reported in recent weeks, Lindsay has publicly accused Egor of banging Russian hookers, and was witnessed screaming from a hotel balcony that he was trying to strangle her—though she mysteriously disappeared before police arrived, and then posted an online scold telling us all to mind our own business. Now things have taken an ugly turn: The couple were videotaped in a physical altercation on a beach in Mykonos, which appears to show Egor twisting Lindsay's arm behind her back to get a cell phone away from her. After the video’s release, Lindsay told the Daily Mail that Egor was drunk at the time and while she refused to comment in any substantive way about the incident, she did say that Egor had been violent with her in the past. “I realize now you can’t stay in a relationship just for love,” she told the Mail. "No woman can be hit and stay with that person if that person isn't prepared to say sorry." (Or at least go to therapy?) She went on to describe the measures she’s taken to save the relationship, but “it’s down to him now,” and that she didn’t want to disappoint her fans “by not being the strong woman I have become.” Hopefully Lindsay will find the strength to leave this abusive butthole once and for all, and seek out someone who actually deserves her. Preferably someone not named “Egor.”
SUNDAY, AUGUST 7
Let’s end on a high note, by recounting Donald Trump's week—which many experts are rightly calling the most terrible week in political campaign history. (Hee hee heeeee!) After months of Trump’s lies and racial slurs being practically ignored by the GOP and his followers, they finally couldn’t deny that he flubbed when insulting Khizr and Ghazala Khan, whose American Muslim son was killed defending our country. This was followed by Trump claiming to be an expert in international affairs, while being blissfully unaware that Russian President Vladimir Putin had annexed part of the Ukraine in 2014. (Oopsy! Hee hee.) This was followed by Trump calling a fire marshal "disgraceful" for trying to enforce occupancy limits at an overbooked rally. This was followed by Trump saying he expected his daughter Ivanka to quit her job if she was ever sexually harassed at work (because it would somehow be her fault, right?). This was followed by kicking a crying baby out of his rally in Virginia. This was followed by refusing to endorse fellow Republicans Paul Ryan, John McCain, and Kelly Ayotte (who, interestingly, had all criticized him in the past). This was followed by Trump loudly proclaiming that the GOP is extremely "unified" and backing him 100 percent. (HAHAHAAAA... no.) This was followed by Trump saying that if he lost, it would be because the election was "rigged" against him. This was followed by other stuff, too, but we’re running out of room! Basically it resulted in Trump's worst week ever on the campaign trail—but oh. SUCH a good week for us! And here’s to many, MANY more. (Hee. Hee. And heeeeee.)