MONDAY, AUGUST 8
“At a rally in Wilmington, North Carolina, just now, Donald Trump seemed to suggest violence as a remedy should Hillary Clinton win the election in November and assume the presidency,” Jack Holmes wrote today at Esquire. But (sorry, Jack) let’s be absolutely clear about what, in fact, happened: Trump didn’t seem to suggest violence, he advocated for it, telling his crowd of paranoid gun nuts, “Hillary wants to abolish—essentially abolish—the Second Amendment. By the way, if she gets to pick... her judges, nothing you can do folks. Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” This is normally where we’d write “Heavy sigh,” but “vomiting sounds of disgusted panic” might be more appropriate. Anyway, it wasn’t long until the US Secret Service got involved, as they tend to do when people talk about killing a president (or nominee). According to a statement from Secret Service Communications Director Cathy Milhoan, the agency “is aware of Mr. Trump’s comments.” And that’s not all—according to an official who spoke to CNN, the agency has had “more than one conversation” with Trump on the topic. Naturally, Trump called CNN liars, tweeting, “No such meeting or conversation ever happened.” (Please just ignore our continued, and decidedly unladylike, choking sounds of vomit and disgust.) But if we’re going to Twitter, let’s see what our beloved Senator Elizabeth Warren had to say! “@realDonaldTrump makes death threats,” Warren tweeted, “because he’s a pathetic coward who can’t handle the fact that he’s losing to a girl.” Couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Senator Warren! *daintily dabs vomit from mouth with lace doily*
TUESDAY, AUGUST 9
Speaking of future presidents, we’ve noted in previous One Days that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is mulling a future presidential bid, hopefully with either Elizabeth Warren or Zac Efron as his running mate. And today on Instagram, the world got its first peek into how our charming, handsome President Rock will handle conflict—and, naturally, it involved the term “candy asses.” “This is my final week of shooting #FastAndFurious8,” the Rock wrote. “My female co-stars are always amazing and I love ’em. My male co-stars however are a different story. Some conduct themselves as stand-up men and true professionals, while others don’t. The ones that don’t are too chicken shit to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses.” Naturally, the Rock superfan Hubby Kip was on the case, postulating which of the Rock’s Fast 8 costars the candy ass could be! “Was it Jason Statham?” Hubby Kip wondered, pacing back and forth in the garage and wearing a Sherlock Holmes hat we didn’t even know he had. “I can’t imagine it’d be Ludacris or Tyrese—those guys seem super cool. Chances are pretty good it’s Vin Diesel... or maybe Kurt Russell? But no way is Kurt Russell a candy ass! Hmm. Very interesting, very interesting.” Then Hubby Kip tripped over the leaf blower.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10
Okay, so it was Vin Diesel. “Our sources say the Rock and Vin had a meeting on the Atlanta set mid-day Tuesday... partly because tensions were running so high it was almost impossible to shoot scenes,” TMZ reports. “We do not know if they resolved their issues.” But at least according to the Rock, they... did? Maybe? “You guys reading this know how much I believe in the idea of TEAM EFFORT,” the Rock wrote on Instagram. “That means respecting every person, their time and their value.... And like with any team—that’s a family—there’s gonna be conflict. To me, conflict can be a good thing, when it’s followed by great resolution. And like any family, we get better from it.” Okay, dears—now picture the Rock saying that not on the set of his dumb movie about exploding cars, but instead from the Oval Office, with Zac Efron and/or Elizabeth Warren standing behind him. Not bad, right? And you know what’ll be even better? When the Rock appoints Vin Diesel as America’s first Candy Ass Czar.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 11
Now let’s talk about two people who are definitely not “candy asses”—the two Simones! African-American Olympians Simone Biles and Simone Manuel are destroying the competition in Rio, and giving hope and encouragement to young black women everywhere. Tonight Manuel became the first African American woman to win an individual event in Olympic swimming, while setting a new record in the women’s 100-meter freestyle (tying with Canadian Penny Oleksiak). And while we already marveled at the gymnastic talents of Biles, she’s now officially the best in the world after taking the women’s individual all-around gold medal. So while we love the Rock, and think a Rock/Warren/Efron ticket would be AMAZE, he’s a bit of a candy ass compared to the Simones. And we bet he’d agree. MEANWHILE... There’s talk around Hollyweird about rebooting the Ocean’s 11 franchise with an all-women cast (including Rihanna, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, and more). Soooo... cue the woman-hating he-man’s club on Twitter, who started the new hashtag “#FeministAMovie.” For example: “All quiet on the kitchen front #FeministAMovie,” from sad little man Ryan Paterson, and “Every 28 Days #FeministAMovie” from meathead Dean Davies, whose dire attempts at humor are often used as a smokescreen to compensate for his laughably small penis. Rest assured every woman mentioned in this article would have zero trouble stomping these pathetic candy asses.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 12
Today in “journalists who give every other journalist in the world a bad name”: Married, straight journalist Nico Hines wrote an article for the Daily Beast titled “The Other Olympic Sport in Rio: Swiping,” in which he posed as a gay man on Grindr and then outed athletes. Unsurprisingly, people hit the fucking roof. While Hines did not reveal the athletes’ actual names, he did specify their chosen sports and countries—some of which have lethal laws against homosexuality. Following an outpouring of outrage, editors at the Beast first edited the article to remove pertinent details about the athletes, then later took down the article all together, ended Hines’ coverage of the Olympics, and apologized. “We were wrong. We’re sorry,” wrote the Beast. “Today we did not uphold a deep set of the Daily Beast’s values... specifically being a proudly, steadfastly supportive voice for LGBT people all over the world.” Apology grudgingly accepted, the internet once again chained itself to the front porch—though continued growling at the Daily Beast for the remainder of the week.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 13
We haven’t checked in on the disintegrating relationship of scarf-wearing actor Johnny Depp and soon-to-be-ex-wife Amber Heard for a while, and... OH GOD, WHY DID WE LOOK?!? In the weeks following their separation (and Heard’s accusations that Depp is an abusive, drunken, cell phone-throwing asshole), things have only gotten worse. Yesterday Heard was scheduled to give a court deposition regarding her restraining order against Depp, when the MOST AMAZING COINCIDENCE HAPPENED. Just before Heard was to speak to a judge, TMZ revealed a leaked video of Depp abusing a bottle of wine, and drunkenly beating up his kitchen! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? In the video, Depp—mysteriously dressed like deceased NASCAR racer Richard Petty—slams cabinet doors, kicks the dishwasher, and pours nearly an entire bottle of wine into an impossibly tall glass, while screaming “motherfucker” and “You wanna see crazy? I’ll show YOU crazy!” The video ends when Depp discovers he’s being recorded on Heard’s computer, which he then treats in the same manner as the poor, abused kitchen dishwasher. Mysteriously missing from the video? DEPP’S MANY SCARVES. (Though they probably filed for emancipation months ago.)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14
More Olympic-sized trouble—this time for medal-winning swimmer Ryan Lochte, who... well, let’s just come out and say it... isn’t the sharpest tool in the pool. According to NBC (and Lochte’s very own mom!), Ryan, along with three other Olympians were robbed at gunpoint in Rio! Lochte claims they were riding in a taxi when multiple guys with police badges pulled them over—but they weren’t cops. “They pulled out their guns,” Lochte recalled. “They told the other swimmers to get down on the ground. I refused. I was like, ‘We didn’t do anything wrong—so I’m not getting down on the ground.” OH RYAN, YOU BEAUTIFUL, SMOKING HOT DUM-DUM—GET ON THE GROUND!! “And then the guy pulled out his gun,” dum-dum Ryan continued, “he cocked it, put it to my forehead and said, ‘Get down.’ So I was like, ‘whatever,’ and he took my money.” THE END. (Maybe the Olympics will start giving out gold medals for hot abs—Ryan certainly won’t get any for brains.)