MONDAY, AUGUST 22
Let’s see how democracy is unraveling this week, shall we? FIRST... “No American election has ever featured two major-party nominees as old as Mr. Trump, 70, and Mrs. Clinton, 68, and they have kept a grueling pace for more than a year,” reports the New York Times. And yet? Both “have been more secretive and selective than many recent presidential nominees in providing up-to-date details about their personal health,” the Times adds. In short, 2016’s decrepit, doddering candidates will probably die any minute now... or, at the very least, forget where they put the nuclear codes, confuse foreign dignitaries with their grandchildren, and casually mutter racist stuff and then act surprised when younger people call them on it. (Oh, wait... Trump’s already doing that.) SECOND... Like every Democrat ever, Clinton—who, again, will probably die any minute—has the edge on Trump when it comes to one slice of the electorate: obnoxious Hollywood celebrities. Which explains why she was set to have a $33,400-per-guest fundraiser at Leonardo DiCaprio’s house this week... until DiCaprio canceled! While Leo got his pals Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel to host instead, tongues wagged about why he bailed. “Leo is [trying] to finish his current project in time for... the Toronto Film Festival,” a Clinton insider told Page Six—but others think the snub had to do with a Hollywood Reporter story suggesting DiCaprio’s foundation “could be linked to a scandal involving a Malaysian sovereign wealth fund, at the same time Hillary and Bill Clinton’s own charitable fund is under scrutiny.” Umm... WHO CARES? A private audience with Justin “SexyBack” Timberlake is easily worth $33,400... unlike hearing DiCaprio blather on and on about how great he was in The Revenant. We get it, Leo. You were cold.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23
“I went out and I thought it was like a wave pool,” Britney Spears told DJ Scott Mills on BBC Radio 1, remembering her recent trip to Hawaii. “And I was like, ‘This is so nice and refreshing and just beautiful!’ But the thing I didn’t think about is when you come back, the waves really come in hard.” Yes, dears—brace yourselves, because Britney Spears almost died. “I got sucked under for, like, five minutes,” Spears bravely continued. “I literally almost drowned. And I’m like, ‘Where’s my security? They’re just going to let me die here?’ And then I came in again and another wave took me under!” Thank god, the crisis was averted—but as we were just talking about yesterday, dears, life is fragile and celebrities could die at any time. At least when presidents die, they have vice presidents for backups! But who is our Vice Britney, dears? Who is our Vice Britney???
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24
In the best news we’ve heard all week, Us reports that Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have had a “major argument.” EEEEEE! Loyal readers will, of course, remember Hiddleston as the most handsome, charming, and talented man who has ever lived, not to mention the gentleman with whom we will eventually share our life, our laughter, and our love. They will also, of course, remember Swift as the woman who’s trying to ruin this for us. “The issues came from the 35-year-old actor’s busy schedule,” Us reports of the spat, making our heart sing. “They weren’t spending as much time together” as Hiddleston filmed Thor: Ragnarok, a Swift insider gabbed. “There was so much going on so it was hard making their schedules work, and they were upset they couldn’t see each other.” So that’s fantastic, and of course we’d let Tommy make whatever stupid little superhero movie he wants, so long as it made him happy, so it’s only a matter of time until he realizes this an—oh, goddammit. “Hiddleston flew out to [Swift’s] seven-bedroom Rhode Island spread August 14 for a quick two-day stay before reporting back to work Down Under,” Us continues, spitting on every single one of our dreams. “They’ve had some schedule issues, but... they are making it work,” the Swift insider adds. Booooo! BOOOO! To hell with Taylor Swift, and to hell with her seven-bedroom Rhode Island spread, and to hell with Thor: Ragnarok! We bet it isn’t even very good! Wait... we didn’t mean any of that! Well, okay—we meant all of it. Let’s just pray Tommy never reads this. (But just in case he does: Hiiiiiii Tom! XOXOXO!)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 25
After hearing Britney Spears’ harrowing Hawaiian tale of being “sucked under for, like, five minutes” (anybody else think she’s exaggerating here?), the Lifetime Network probably said to themselves, “Hey. Have we done a shitty Britney Spears biopic yet? WE HAVEN’T? What are we waiting for??$$$??” And so it came to pass, Lifetime is now producing a shitty biopic about Britney Spears—who according to Entertainment Weekly, doesn’t want anything to do with it “in any way, shape, or form.” This is kinda understandable since Lifetime’s cinematic portrayal of a bald Britney swinging a golf umbrella might not be exactly “sensitive.” On the upside, we’ve already got this film cast—in our beautiful head! We think the occasionally crazy Tara Reid (from the Sharknado franchise) would make a great Brit-Brit, and who better to portray her former d-bag hubby Kevin Federline than the king of current d-bags, Justin Bieber? Whew! We’re glad we’re not driving right now because all we can see are dollar signs!!$$$!!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 26
And if you need a reminder that the internet is a terrible place—seriously, it is FUCKED... UP—there’s this: The wonderful Leslie Jones, star of SNL and the recent Ghostbusters reboot, had her personal website hacked by garbage humans, who posted her private information (like driver’s license and passport) as well as nude photos. Why? Because these hackers are GARBAGE and the internet is FUCKED... UP. On the upside, the federal government apparently loves Leslie as much as the rest of us, and is sending the Department of Homeland Security (which has a terrific cyber crimes division) to investigate the hack. Hopefully this will lead to the arrest of these FUCKED... UP butthole garbage creeps who will then be buried up to their necks in donkey poop, surrounded by angry yellow jackets, and forced to listen to Adele’s “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)” on repeat, which is our version of hell anyway.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 27
Now it’s time for our semi-annual feature “Gossip for Grandparents!” (So you’ll have something to talk to your grandparents about other than their goiters.) The hobbling relationship between 82-year-old, suspenders-wearing lizard Larry King and his 56-year-old child bride Shawn King has reportedly hit the skids (again)! As your grandparents probably remember, six years ago Larry was caught dangling his lizard penis into the vagina of Shawn’s own sister (!!), thereby inspiring Shawn to revenge-bang their children’s douchey Little League coach. (Note to Larry and Shawn: Dynasty went off the air in 1989.) For some reason they chose not to divorce—probably because Larry didn’t want Shawn dipping into his $144 million fortune. Anyway! Fast forward to today, where Page Six is reporting that Shawn has been stepping out again—this time with “well-renowned speech therapist” Richard Greene, who’s allegedly been banging Larry’s lady on the down-low for years. (We assume following a healthy dose of little blue pills and hormone injections.) Reps for Shawna and Richard are calling the story “inaccurate” (though not flatly denying it), which means Larry may finally have enough evidence to divorce Shawn without losing his vault of Scrooge McDuck gold doubloons. And even more interestingly... wait... have your grandparents fallen asleep? Good. Let’s sneak out and talk about something from this century...
SUNDAY, AUGUST 28
...like the MTV Video Music Awards! (Not exactly from this century either, but at least it’s getting closer.) The annual star-studded gala went down tonight, and this year’s theme was “Let’s Shade Taylor Swift.” Suspiciously Taylor was not in attendance this year—but it had nothing to do with ex-b-friend Calvin Harris winning an award, or Kanye West being given four minutes of stage time to talk about anything he wants. (That sound you hear is Taylor’s private space shuttle blasting off to the moon.) For example, during his “Best Male Video” acceptance speech for “This Is What You Came For,” jilted Calvin neglected to mention Taylor. Like... at all. Like... even though she wrote the song’s lyrics, sang the backup vocals, and owns the publishing rights. (He probably just forgot, right?) Meanwhile there were two surprising revelations from Kanye’s four-minute-long speech. (1) It wasn’t 40 minutes long. And (2) he only mentioned Taylor’s name once—just to again remind everyone that he called Tay-Tay before including a diss about her in his song “Famous,” and that she lied about it and got stone-cold BUSTED. (No response from Taylor yet—but reception is kind of tricky when you’re hiding on the other side of the moon.)