MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
GASP. No, really, dears—GASP. The day we thought would never come has arrived! For Brangelina is no more... and reality itself has been shaken to its foundation. As we stumble through the smoldering rubble, trying to make sense of it all, let us turn to the Daily Mail for gossipy guidance! Angelina Jolie “filed papers citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split and asked for physical custody of the couple’s six children,” the Mail gabs. And according to a source “close to the couple,” Brad Pitt didn’t see any of it coming: “Jolie, 41, made the decision to file because of the way ‘Brad was parenting the children,’ adding that ‘she was extremely upset with his methods.’ That same source claims Jolie became ‘fed up’ with Pitt’s consumption of ‘weed and possibly alcohol’ mixed with his ‘anger problem.’” Oof. “Brad Pitt was blindsided and was only told that Angelina Jolie was divorcing him just a day before she filed the legal papers,” adds the Mirror. And that, dears, is all we know for now. But given how long Angelina and Brad were together (well, for Hollyweird, at least), and given how much cash is involved (the couple reportedly earned a jaw-dropping $555 million—including millions made from selling photos of their children to the likes of Hello and People), and how... ah... less than amicable this seems, expect to be hearing a lot more. We will, natch, keep you updated—for in this ruined, apocalyptic wasteland where even Brangelina can fall, gossiping is the one thing we know to do, dears. The one thing.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
While the rest of us desperately seek to right ourselves in a world without Brangelina—a world that has been torn asunder—BuzzFeed’s eternally wise Anne Helen Petersen has cut to the bone of the issue! As the internet bubbled with rumors of Pitt’s infidelity and memes about Jennifer Aniston (who must be delighted to discover that someone, anyone, remembers her), Petersen pointed out that the divorce is 100 percent Jolie’s story—not only does Jolie know how to manipulate the press, but she’s already doing so, from the timing of the divorce (right when Pitt is heading into an Oscar campaign, and thus will “want to put any hint of scandal quickly to rest and without fanfare”), to the hiring of Laura Wasser, a “power divorce attorney” who’s been known to work with TMZ (and is “known for negotiating the divorces of Johnny Depp, Gwen Stefani, and Britney Spears”), to allowing news of the divorce to be “discovered” via legal documents rather than a press release (“effectively creating a gossip vacuum into which all manner of speculation could build, including a rash of revealed blind items pointing to drug abuse and visits from strippers”). “Pitt, from this point forward, is on defense—and always has been in the case of Jolie’s career,” Petersen writes. “Because Jolie, if anything, has always been the primary architect of the way others view her.” (Please hold on just one moment, dears, while we take some notes—just in case anything ever goes wrong in our own blissful union with Hubby Kip.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
We now take a Brangelina respite (hey, just like Angie did!) to report on another breakup: This one involving My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee, who’s finally dumped the Church of Scientology! Lee—who, according to Us, “began practicing the religion in the early '90s”—has been one of many celebs who remained in the sci-fi cult, despite allegations of abuse and exploitation and high-profile defections from the likes of Paul Haggis and Leah Remini. Now the actor is seeking out a quieter life in Denton, Texas—where he and his wife, he tells the Dentonite, “don’t practice Scientology,” and, despite rumors to the contrary, are not planning on putting “a Scientology center” in the town of 113,000. Welcome back to reality, Jason! Or, you know, whatever passes for reality in Denton. IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... “So, does anyone want a Chasing Amy DVD? Seems I don’t have any need for mine anymore!” Scientology’s chief spokesalien, Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII, bellowed into the holo-chat tubes that link the 43 quadrillion residents of the Andromeda-Diamax Cluster. “I also have Mallrats, Almost Famous, Enemy of the State, and all 96 episodes of My Name Is Earl. I’ll just put them in the free box on the corner of Vegelonn Drive and Xantron Ave., on the fourth moon of Carzon Prime, okay? Just so you know, though, they all star somebody who’ll tell you you’re ‘best friends’ and he ‘believes everything you say’ and he’ll ‘never leave,’ but then all of a sudden he’ll stop texting you and ignore your Snapchats and then you only hear from the fucking Dentonite that he’s moved to goddamn Texas! But I don’t know, Mallrats has some funny parts in it, I guess, if you’re an idiot who doesn’t care about betrayal. First come, first serve.”
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
Did you enjoy your brief vacation from all that distasteful Brangelina divorce drama? Good, because weâ€™re diving back down into it! HARD! Both TMZ and People reported today that Brad Pitt is under investigation by the FBI and LAâ€™s Department of Child Services for an incident that went down last week. TMZ says that while on Brangelinaâ€™s private jet—on a flight from Nice, France to Burbank, California—Brad was â€œwasted,â€ and â€œallegedly went wild, screaming and getting physical with the kids.â€ (In particular, his son Maddox.) After landing, Brad allegedly â€œcontinued his rant on the tarmac, and even tried leaving in one of the fuel trucks.â€ WHAAAAAAA?? So youâ€™re telling us that Brad was all like, â€œLook, Iâ€™m Brad Pitt, Iâ€™m going insane right now, so I’m taking your fuel truck. Cool?â€ In Bradâ€™s defense, itâ€™s not like you can just call an UberBLACK to the tarmac, and heâ€™s certainly not going to commandeer one of those little luggage trollies. That would be ridiculous! A fuming Brad Pitt driving around the airport in a luggage trolley? INDEED! (Look, we know weâ€™re obsessing too much on this one insignificant detail—but of course heâ€™s going to try to take off in an airport fuel truck! He’s BRAD-fucking-PITT, people!)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
It has come to our attention—via our annoying editors—that, out of “fairness” (we put that in quotes, because it doesn’t exist) we should also present Brad Pitt’s “side of the story.” FINE. So as previously mentioned, Brad allegedly got “verbally abusive” and “physical” with his son on the family’s private jet—BUT. According to a source close to Brad talking to People magazine, while there may have been an argument and though the actor was drunk, he did not strike his son. “No one was physically harmed,” says the source. “He put his hands on him, yes, because the confrontation was spiraling out of control.” The source added, “Brad made contact with Maddox in the shoulder area, but there was absolutely no physical injury to him.” The source also believes the incident is being blown out of proportion in an attempt for Angelina Jolie to gain custody.” YES, YES, YES... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FUEL TRUCK? We hope Angelina isn’t fighting for custody of the truck, because Brad got to it first! (Stay with One Day at a Time for continuing updates on the fuel truck, and how it’s dealing with its separation from Brad Pitt.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
Oh, and another thing! Gorgeous French actress Marion Cotillard had absolutely NOTHING to do with the split between Brad Pitt and his fuel truck... sorry... wife, Angelina Jolie. Sure, Marion and Brad played undercover spies in the soon-to-be-released flick Allied. But come on, folks! Just because two extremely attractive married actors are playing spy lovers on the set of a film, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re cheating pieces of shit, who... wait. A very loud airplane just flew over our house trailing a banner that reads, “Mr. & Mrs. Smith.” Ahem. Moving on!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Okay, no more Brangelina, gorgeous French actress Marion Cotillard, or lovestruck fuel trucks this week! Now we turn our attention to a news item of the greatest importance: Ladies and gentlemen, our national nightmare has finally come to an end, because Kim Kardashian has broken her silence and revealed her endorsement for president of the United States. And it is—shockingly—Hillary Clinton. Apparently there was some confusion when Kim said in an interview with Wonderland magazine that she was “on the fence” about whether to vote for Clinton or Donald Trump. Now after making the internet explode (again!) she’s decided to clarify her remark. “[After careful consideration] I found that without a doubt, I stand with Hillary,” she wrote. “I’m with her. I believe Hillary will best represent our country, and....” WE INTERRUPT THIS BANAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR A ONE DAY AT A TIME SPECIAL REPORT! The lovesick fuel truck that Brad Pitt tried to commandeer on the airport tarmac has shown up at the actor’s apartment, honking its horn and begging him to “drive off into the sunset with it.” More hot details next week!