MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
GASP. No, really, dearsâGASP. The day we thought would never come has arrived! For Brangelina is no more... and reality itself has been shaken to its foundation. As we stumble through the smoldering rubble, trying to make sense of it all, let us turn to the Daily Mail for gossipy guidance! Angelina Jolie âfiled papers citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split and asked for physical custody of the coupleâs six children,â the Mail gabs. And according to a source âclose to the couple,â Brad Pitt didnât see any of it coming: âJolie, 41, made the decision to file because of the way âBrad was parenting the children,â adding that âshe was extremely upset with his methods.â That same source claims Jolie became âfed upâ with Pittâs consumption of âweed and possibly alcoholâ mixed with his âanger problem.ââ Oof. âBrad Pitt was blindsided and was only told that Angelina Jolie was divorcing him just a day before she filed the legal papers,â adds the Mirror. And that, dears, is all we know for now. But given how long Angelina and Brad were together (well, for Hollyweird, at least), and given how much cash is involved (the couple reportedly earned a jaw-dropping $555 millionâincluding millions made from selling photos of their children to the likes of Hello and People), and how... ah... less than amicable this seems, expect to be hearing a lot more. We will, natch, keep you updatedâfor in this ruined, apocalyptic wasteland where even Brangelina can fall, gossiping is the one thing we know to do, dears. The one thing.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
While the rest of us desperately seek to right ourselves in a world without Brangelinaâa world that has been torn asunderâBuzzFeedâs eternally wise Anne Helen Petersen has cut to the bone of the issue! As the internet bubbled with rumors of Pittâs infidelity and memes about Jennifer Aniston (who must be delighted to discover that someone, anyone, remembers her), Petersen pointed out that the divorce is 100 percent Jolieâs storyânot only does Jolie know how to manipulate the press, but sheâs already doing so, from the timing of the divorce (right when Pitt is heading into an Oscar campaign, and thus will âwant to put any hint of scandal quickly to rest and without fanfareâ), to the hiring of Laura Wasser, a âpower divorce attorneyâ whoâs been known to work with TMZ (and is âknown for negotiating the divorces of Johnny Depp, Gwen Stefani, and Britney Spearsâ), to allowing news of the divorce to be âdiscoveredâ via legal documents rather than a press release (âeffectively creating a gossip vacuum into which all manner of speculation could build, including a rash of revealed blind items pointing to drug abuse and visits from strippersâ). âPitt, from this point forward, is on defenseâand always has been in the case of Jolieâs career,â Petersen writes. âBecause Jolie, if anything, has always been the primary architect of the way others view her.â (Please hold on just one moment, dears, while we take some notesâjust in case anything ever goes wrong in our own blissful union with Hubby Kip.)
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
We now take a Brangelina respite (hey, just like Angie did!) to report on another breakup: This one involving My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee, whoâs finally dumped the Church of Scientology! Leeâwho, according to Us, âbegan practicing the religion in the early '90sââhas been one of many celebs who remained in the sci-fi cult, despite allegations of abuse and exploitation and high-profile defections from the likes of Paul Haggis and Leah Remini. Now the actor is seeking out a quieter life in Denton, Texasâwhere he and his wife, he tells the Dentonite, âdonât practice Scientology,â and, despite rumors to the contrary, are not planning on putting âa Scientology centerâ in the town of 113,000. Welcome back to reality, Jason! Or, you know, whatever passes for reality in Denton. IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... âSo, does anyone want a Chasing Amy DVD? Seems I donât have any need for mine anymore!â Scientologyâs chief spokesalien, Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII, bellowed into the holo-chat tubes that link the 43 quadrillion residents of the Andromeda-Diamax Cluster. âI also have Mallrats, Almost Famous, Enemy of the State, and all 96 episodes of My Name Is Earl. Iâll just put them in the free box on the corner of Vegelonn Drive and Xantron Ave., on the fourth moon of Carzon Prime, okay? Just so you know, though, they all star somebody whoâll tell you youâre âbest friendsâ and he âbelieves everything you sayâ and heâll ânever leave,â but then all of a sudden heâll stop texting you and ignore your Snapchats and then you only hear from the fucking Dentonite that heâs moved to goddamn Texas! But I donât know, Mallrats has some funny parts in it, I guess, if youâre an idiot who doesnât care about betrayal. First come, first serve.â
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
Did you enjoy your brief vacation from all that distasteful Brangelina divorce drama? Good, because weââŹâ˘re diving back down into it! HARD! Both TMZ and People reported today that Brad Pitt is under investigation by the FBI and LAââŹâ˘s Department of Child Services for an incident that went down last week. TMZ says that while on BrangelinaââŹâ˘s private jetâon a flight from Nice, France to Burbank, CaliforniaâBrad was ââŹĹwasted,ââŹÂ and ââŹĹallegedly went wild, screaming and getting physical with the kids.ââŹÂ (In particular, his son Maddox.) After landing, Brad allegedly ââŹĹcontinued his rant on the tarmac, and even tried leaving in one of the fuel trucks.ââŹÂ WHAAAAAAA?? So youââŹâ˘re telling us that Brad was all like, ââŹĹLook, IââŹâ˘m Brad Pitt, IââŹâ˘m going insane right now, so Iâm taking your fuel truck. Cool?ââŹÂ In BradââŹâ˘s defense, itââŹâ˘s not like you can just call an UberBLACK to the tarmac, and heââŹâ˘s certainly not going to commandeer one of those little luggage trollies. That would be ridiculous! A fuming Brad Pitt driving around the airport in a luggage trolley? INDEED! (Look, we know weââŹâ˘re obsessing too much on this one insignificant detailâbut of course heââŹâ˘s going to try to take off in an airport fuel truck! Heâs BRAD-fucking-PITT, people!)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
It has come to our attentionâvia our annoying editorsâthat, out of âfairnessâ (we put that in quotes, because it doesnât exist) we should also present Brad Pittâs âside of the story.â FINE. So as previously mentioned, Brad allegedly got âverbally abusiveâ and âphysicalâ with his son on the familyâs private jetâBUT. According to a source close to Brad talking to People magazine, while there may have been an argument and though the actor was drunk, he did not strike his son. âNo one was physically harmed,â says the source. âHe put his hands on him, yes, because the confrontation was spiraling out of control.â The source added, âBrad made contact with Maddox in the shoulder area, but there was absolutely no physical injury to him.â The source also believes the incident is being blown out of proportion in an attempt for Angelina Jolie to gain custody.â YES, YES, YES... BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FUEL TRUCK? We hope Angelina isnât fighting for custody of the truck, because Brad got to it first! (Stay with One Day at a Time for continuing updates on the fuel truck, and how itâs dealing with its separation from Brad Pitt.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
Oh, and another thing! Gorgeous French actress Marion Cotillard had absolutely NOTHING to do with the split between Brad Pitt and his fuel truck... sorry... wife, Angelina Jolie. Sure, Marion and Brad played undercover spies in the soon-to-be-released flick Allied. But come on, folks! Just because two extremely attractive married actors are playing spy lovers on the set of a film, it doesnât necessarily mean theyâre cheating pieces of shit, who... wait. A very loud airplane just flew over our house trailing a banner that reads, âMr. & Mrs. Smith.â Ahem. Moving on!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Okay, no more Brangelina, gorgeous French actress Marion Cotillard, or lovestruck fuel trucks this week! Now we turn our attention to a news item of the greatest importance: Ladies and gentlemen, our national nightmare has finally come to an end, because Kim Kardashian has broken her silence and revealed her endorsement for president of the United States. And it isâshockinglyâHillary Clinton. Apparently there was some confusion when Kim said in an interview with Wonderland magazine that she was âon the fenceâ about whether to vote for Clinton or Donald Trump. Now after making the internet explode (again!) sheâs decided to clarify her remark. â[After careful consideration] I found that without a doubt, I stand with Hillary,â she wrote. âIâm with her. I believe Hillary will best represent our country, and....â WE INTERRUPT THIS BANAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR A ONE DAY AT A TIME SPECIAL REPORT! The lovesick fuel truck that Brad Pitt tried to commandeer on the airport tarmac has shown up at the actorâs apartment, honking its horn and begging him to âdrive off into the sunset with it.â More hot details next week!