MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, the column that sipped martinis and clapped her hands like a devilishly adorable Mr. Burns during tonight’s presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. For those who don’t have time for a full recap, let’s just put it this way: Donald was a hot mess. As Clinton smiled, laughed, and frankly looked incredibly presidential, Donald pursed his duck-like lips, sniffed like a stuffy-nosed first-grader, and by the debate’s halfway point had fallen into repetitive incoherence. Some high(low)lights? Donald blustered that he would happily reinstate the “stop and frisk” policy for cops—even as Hillary and moderator Lester Holt reminded him that what he was saying was kinda unconstitutional. Donald also denied ever saying that “climate change is a hoax.” (Oh boy, the fact checkers had a field day with that one!) When Clinton reminded the audience that Donald once referred to actress Rosie O’Donnell as a “fat pig,” he said she deserved it. And amid one of his many temperamental rants, he actually and hilariously said he has “a winning temperament.” (Even Trump fans rolled their eyes at that one.) But let’s get back to Donald’s uncontrollable “sniffing”: While former presidential candidate Howard Dean opined on Twitter that the sniffing could be attributed to coke use, comedian Michael Ian Black won the internet with this tweet: “Trump has the sniffles. Is he okay? What’s going on with his health? Can he serve?” Spoiler alert: He can’t.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27

Guys. Guys! GUYS! Seriously, it’s time to stop dragging actress Jennifer Aniston’s name through the mud of Brangelina’s divorce—she has nothing to do with it, even though it was her heart that was trampled upon when Brad and Angelina started fooling around during the filming of 2005’s Mr. & Mrs. Smith. So shut up about Jennifer Aniston already! And who agrees with us? None other than longtime Jennifer Aniston gal-pal and Friends co-star Courteney Cox! “It’s not about [Jennifer],” Courteney said in complete agreement with us to reporters she did not even have to stop and talk to. “I feel like we’re exacerbating it by even talking about it!” Right on, girlfriend! Stop exacerbating Jennifer Aniston! Oh, and you know who else agrees with us about not mentioning the name Jennifer Aniston? Jennifer Aniston’s dreamy hubby Justin Theroux! “There’s an endless appetite for trash, apparently,” Justin said, and we agree with it because if people didn’t love trash, we’d be unemployed. “I think a lot of people do because people buy it. But there are bigger things to bitch about. It’s shocking how much bandwidth things can take up when there are far more important things going on in the world.” Abso-LUTELY, Justin! There are far more important things to talk about other than Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Aniston and Brangelina, and most of all, Jennifer Aniston. Wait... who’s Jennifer Aniston again?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

And now a Brangelina update with absolutely zero references to “she who shall never be named in the Brangelina scandal.” (Psst. It’s Jennifer Aniston!) You (along with Jennifer Aniston, who will not be mentioned in this piece) will be happy to know that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have come to a temporary custody agreement following the surprise of their split last week. Here’s the breakdown: The couple’s small army of children will live with Angie full-time. Brad will have visitation rights with a therapist present for the first visit. (If he can abstain from smoking a pound of weed and smacking the kids, the following visits will be unsupervised. He’ll also be randomly tested for drugs and booze, so... that’s fun.) Plus everyone in this situation (except for the non-named Jennifer Aniston) will undergo therapy. No word yet on if Angelina will be ordered to stop wearing her Maleficent costume around the house.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

Finally, some local gossip! The Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen sitcom Portlandia has been given the boot from local bookstore In Other Words—where the “Women and Women First” sketches were filmed—because of the show’s alleged frequent bullshit. In a post on the In Other Words blog, the bookstore says they’ve discontinued their relationship with Portlandia because the filming loses money for the business and their neighbors, leaves their store in a mess, and the “trans-antagonistic and trans-misogynist” sketches are “diametrically opposed to their politics.” To put an even finer point on it, one of the store’s volunteers put a “Fuck Portlandia” sign in the window—a sentiment the rest of the staff apparently approves. While the show has definitely put Portland on the map—sometimes to poor effect (oh, hello to everyone who moved to town because you thought “putting a bird on it” was cute)—it can’t be denied that this only occasionally amusing show would have been cancelled years ago if it weren’t on the IFC network, which is best known for absolutely nothing else. Anyway, it looks like Portlandia will be looking for a new place to shoot their transphobic sketches. May we suggest Idaho?

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

Here comes a headline from TMZ that no one wanted to read ever: “Lindsay Lohan: My Ring Finger Got Chopped Off (GRUESOME PHOTO).” (By the way, that headline has been added as a perfect example for the definition of “clickbait” in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.) According to the story, Lindsay—who is no stranger to bad luck—was relaxing in a boat off the coast of Turkey when she got entangled in an anchor she was trying to pull from the water. As she tried to get free, the anchor sliced off the tip of her finger (EW! EW! EWWW!), which her friends eventually found on the deck of the boat after frantic searching. On the upside, Linds was rushed to a plastic surgeon who was able to reattach the severed digit. When reached for comment the fingertip said, “I was this close to escaping! (Thanks to my good friend thumb for helping me make the ‘this close’ gesture.)”

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1

Not that anyone in his “basket of deplorables” would care, but the New York Times has released a damning report on Donald Trump’s tax records. As you know, the candidate has been avoiding the release of his tax history (which doesn’t seem suspicious, like, at all), until the NY Times was given a hacked copy of his 1995 return, which revealed very interesting results. For example? In 1995, Trump declared a $916 million loss—due to financial screw-ups with his casinos, failed airline, and the purchase of Manhattan’s Plaza Hotel. Thanks to tax laws which favor the wealthy, losing this $916 million would allow him to legally avoid paying federal income tax for... wait for it... 18 YEARS. Is this the revelation that could finally sink Trump’s candidacy? HAHAHAHA NO. Because fact-fearing Trump supporters can always come up with a nonsensical response to the candidate’s dishonesty. For example, let’s take New Jersey Governor Chris Christie who claims that the NY Times article will actually be “very very good” for Trump’s campaign. When asked on Fox News Sunday about the article, Christie replied, “What it shows is what an absolute mess the federal tax code is, and that’s why Donald Trump is the person best positioned to fix it.” Let’s pause while you pick your jaw up off the ground. Folks, we GUARANTEE this story will not only sink the Trump campaign, but it will also be the only thing anyone will be talking about for the next... wait. This just in... OH SHIT! KIM KARDASHIAN WAS ROBBED AT GUNPOINT!!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2

OH SHIT! KIM KARDASHIAN WAS ROBBED AT GUNPOINT!! According to multiple reports, Kim was in a Paris hotel room tonight when five armed masked men dressed as police officers threatened a hotel concierge who was forced to let two of the robbers into Kim’s suite. A source told E! News that the pair gagged and bound Kardashian, and put her in the bathtub, while they stole millions in jewels including a ring (estimated at $4.49 million), and a jewelry box (worth an estimated $5.6 million). The villains then reportedly escaped on bicycles, leaving Kardashian (according to her rep) “badly shaken but physically unharmed.” Also fortunate, Kardashian kids North and Saint West were not with their mother at the time, and hubby Kanye West abruptly stopped his concert in Queens to rush to Kim’s side. Now we are the first to admit we’ve thrown a truckload of shade at Kim in the past, but we’re nothing but relieved that she is okay, and no one was hurt. That being said, we’re pretty sure Taylor Swift is behind this. Now, what were we talking about before this story popped up? Something about Donald Trump. Hmmm... oh well, it probably wasn’t important! See ya next week, mmmwahh!