MONDAY, OCTOBER 3
Welcome back to a Very Special Edition™ of One Day at a Time, dears—an edition that shall prove, once and for all, that we are finally over our former flame George Clooney! Georgie, as you no doubt remember, was once the apple of our eye, the stars in our sky... until that heartless, cruel cad decided he preferred international ISIS-battling human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin! (To be fair, “international ISIS-battling human rights lawyer” does look better on a résumé than “shameless gossip monger for a Portland alt-weekly.”) Itâ€™s now been two whole years since Amal Alamuddin became Amal Clooney... a fact the couple eagerly pointed out at a fundraiser in Los Angeles over the weekend. “And they said it wouldn’t last!” George charmingly joked to Entertainment Tonight. “Ah, we proved them wrong.” That you did, George and Amal—happy anniversary, and we wish you nothing but the best, despite all the unforgivably horrible, petty insults we hurled at Amal for years! We didnâ€™t mean a word of it, you lovebirds! (Confidential to “G.C. in Lake Como”: George! Now that everyone else has stopped reading... you still have our number, right? Just in case anything goes wrong with Amal, right? RIGHT? We’re not saying anything WILL go wrong—again, happy anniversary! Just, y’know... IF. You never know! Look at Brangelina, is all we’re saying. MWAH!)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4
In news shocking no one, it turns out (we still can’t believe we have to type this phrase) presidential candidate Donald Trump just might be a misogynist asshole. Huh! Imagine that! “In his years as a reality TV boss on The Apprentice, Donald Trump repeatedly demeaned women with sexist language, according to show insiders who said he rated female contestants by the size of their breasts and talked about which ones he’d like to have sex with,” reports the AP, which spoke to more than 20 people involved with The Apprentice. The interviewees “agreed to recount their experiences as Trump’s behavior toward women has become a core issue in the presidential campaign. Interviewed separately, they gave concurring accounts of inappropriate conduct on the set.” Hope you’ve got your Purell ready, dears! “Eight former crew members recalled that he repeatedly made lewd comments about a camerawoman he said had a nice rear, comparing her beauty to that of his daughter, Ivanka.” DEPLOY PURELL! DEPLOY PURELL! The AP had entirely too many anecdotes to write about here, so we’ll just leave you with one more: “We were in the boardroom one time figuring out who to blame for the task,” a crewmember recalled, “and he just stopped in the middle and pointed to someone and said, ‘You’d fuck her, wouldn’t you? I’d fuck her. C’mon, wouldn’t you?’” the crewmember said. “Everyone is trying to make him stop talking, and the woman is shrinking in her seat.” IN RELATED NEWS... Apprentice producer and Trump pal Mark Burnett has, according to BuzzFeed News, “threatened staffers who could release potentially damaging outtakes of the show”—thus all but confirming that outtakes from The Apprentice that could damage Trump are out there... somewhere... just waiting to disgust us. Uh oh—we’re all out of Purell!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5
Today we went to the store. We got some more Purell. Just in case.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6
More deets have surfaced on the legit scary robbery of Kim Kardashian, who, while staying in a Paris hotel, was tied up by French voleurs (burglars) that made off with millions in les bijoux (jewelry). However, TMZ is reporting that the caper went off a bit too perfectly, leading police to suspect it may have been an inside job. Their logic? How could the brigands (crooks) possibly know that Kimâ€™s top bodyguard, Pascal Duvier (loose translation: “hirsute beefcake”), was out guarding sisters Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall Jenner? And how could the braquers (thieves) know Kim had all that expensive jewelry in her room? Mmmm, maybe because Kim constantly flashes her pricey bling on social media whenever sheâ€™s not busy shooting nude selfies? Mais ne vous inquiétez pas, la police est sur l’affaire! (Who needs 10th-grade French when you have an online translator? Vive le Google!)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7
And we... we did not buy enough Purell. According to the Washington Post, a 2005 video of Trump being interviewed by Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush has emerged in which the Republican candidate clearly admits to sexual assault. Before taping a scene for Days of Our Lives, Trump bragged to Bush off-camera about trying to have sex with a married woman, and later threatened to kiss actress Arianne Zucker—with or without her consent. “I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women—I just start kissing them,” the human pustule said. “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” Yep, sounds like confessing to several sexual assaults to us. Naturally, the world went INSANE upon hearing this, including several prominent Republicans such as House Speaker Paul Ryan, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, all of whom labeled Trump’s comments as repugnant. Unsurprisingly, Trump had an excuse! “This was locker room banter,” he said in a largely unrepentant statement. “A private conversation that took place many years ago. Bill Clinton has said far worse to me on the golf course—not even close. I apologize if anyone was offended.” OH. WAS ANYONE OFFENDED? Only everyone with a conscience. (BTW, if anyone has been sexually assaulted by Donald Trump, now is a very good time to step forward.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8
Ohhh, don’t try to sneak out the back door, Billy Bush! We’re not finished with you yet. Along with Trump’s despicable comments about women on the Access Hollywood tape, we also heard Billy Bush eagerly laughing and egging him on. So what does he have to say for himself? “Obviously I’m embarrassed and ashamed,” said the misogynistic douchebag, now a host for NBC’s Today show. “It’s no excuse, but this happened 11 years ago. I was younger [yeah, not an excuse; he was 33—Ann], less mature, and acted foolishly in playing along. I’m very sorry.” “NOT GOOD ENOUGH,” CRIED THE INTERNET, who took their torches, pitchforks, and battering rams to the front gates of NBC’s Today show to make their voices heard. The result? Bush has been suspended from his duties until further notice. And according to insider reports, some of his co-workers couldn’t be happier. When the New York Times called Bush’s office for comment, they heard this voicemail message left by an assistant: “You’ve reached Billy Bush’s office. He’s busy making America great again.”
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9
“You described kissing women without their consent, grabbing their genitals. That is sexual assault,” moderator Anderson Cooper said to Donald Trump in the first 10 minutes of tonight’s second presidential debate. “You bragged that you have sexually assaulted women. Do you understand that?” “No, I didn’t say that at all,” Trump responded. And yet? This is exactly how the Justice Department defines sexual assault, as “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” But instead of accepting this hard, cold fact, Trump attempted one of the most awkward diversions in political history. “It’s locker room talk,” the presidential candidate claimed once again. “It is one of those things. I will knock the hell out of ISIS.” Wait... what? “We’re going to defeat ISIS,” he continued. “ISIS happened a number of years ago in a vacuum that was left because of bad judgment. And I will tell you I will take care of ISIS!” Okay... so that was the verbal equivalent of a lousy magician trying to “disappear” by throwing a smoke bomb. And the rest of this depressing debate was no better. Trump sniffed loudly, repeated buzzwords incoherently, threatened to throw Hillary in jail (Hello, third-world dictator!), and stalked his opponent around the stage like the women he so obviously disrespects. END OF STORY. (Confidential to “Hubby Kip in our living room”: If you think you can get out of cleaning the garage by suddenly screaming “ISIS!” you are sorely mistaken.)