ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER "Donald Trump? You haff been TUH-MIN-ATED! (Heh, heh.) Also, 'ice' to meet you! (Heh, heh.)"

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—a column which has been tasked with charting the never-ending shitshow that is 2016. And so we shall—week by week, day by day, until the sun grows cold and the earth crumbles to dust. AND WHAT HAS US... in such an apocalyptic mood? Oh, just a horrific presidential election featuring two loathed candidates that has, by our calculations, been going on for 47,000 years. This week things got even worse, as more women alleged that they had been sexually assaulted by Donald J. Trump, with Jessica Leeds and Rachel Crooks telling the New York Times how he touched them without consent. “Their accounts echo those of other women who have previously come forward, like Temple Taggart, a former Miss Utah,” the NY Times reported. “In a phone interview on Tuesday night, a highly agitated Mr. Trump denied every one of the women’s claims,” the NY Times added, with Trump insisting, “None of this ever took place” before “shouting at the NY Times reporter who was questioning him.” “You are a disgusting human being,” Trump told NY Times reporter Megan Twohey—demonstrating, yet again, his profound respect for women, the press, and basic human decency. MEANWHILE... “The Republican party tumbled toward anarchy Monday,” the Washington Post reported, noting that House Speaker Paul D. Ryan will “no longer defend or campaign with Trump.” NOT TO BE OUTDONE... Arnold Schwarzenegger also waded into the fray, tweeting, “For the first time since I became a citizen in 1983, I will not vote for the Republican candidate for President.” He then pleaded with his fellow conservatives, “As proud as I am to label myself a Republican, there is one label that I hold above all else—American. So I want to take a moment today to remind my fellow Republicans that it is not only acceptable to choose your country over your party—it is your duty.” And those might just be the wisest words ever spoken by a homicidal terminator sent from the future.


TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11

Y’know, in any other year, Hillary Clinton’s campaign would likely be a laughingstock, because... aliens. We’ve previously written about how Clinton is apparently obsessed with aliens, ghosts, UFOs, and Area 51—and not only has she been seen carrying Paul Davies’ book Are We Alone? Philosophical Implications of the Discovery of Extraterrestrial Life, but she’s also promised to unseal government files about UFOs, while journalist Bob Woodward reported that, as first lady, Clinton had heart-to-hearts with long-dead role models Eleanor Roosevelt and Mohandas K. Gandhi. While Clinton’s stack of X-files has been overshadowed by the fact that she’s running against an insane racist misogynist, America’s conspiracy theorists have taken note! “The latest batch of emails posted by WikiLeaks reveal that former Blink-182 frontman Tom DeLonge had been emailing John Podesta, the chair of the [Clinton] campaign, about their mutual interest in life beyond this planet and UFOs,” writes the Guardian. “Podesta—a former chief of staff for former president Bill Clinton and a counselor to Barack Obama—has long been public about his belief the government should declassify information it holds about extraterrestrial life.” And there’s more! According to the Huffington Post, Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell wanted to talk to Podesta about “zero point energy, an alleged alien technology that Mitchell strongly believed could be used as an unlimited source of free energy for our planet.” MEANWHILE, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY... “Ann, I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this,” Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII bellowed via intergalactic holo-chat. “Everyone has their hobbies! So what if Hillary has séances with dead people and believes in a secret shadow realm in which mysterious creatures from beyond the stars guard the secrets to eternity? Give her a break! Oh, and hey, while I’ve got you? If you idiots elect Trump, we’ll never tell you how to use zero point energy.”


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12

Mel Gibson Is No Longer Persona Non Grata in Hollywood,” declares the Hollywood Reporter, noting that for a decade, Gibson has gotten “the cold shoulder” following his 2006 DUI arrest in which “the Oscar-winning Braveheart director hurled statements about ‘fucking Jews’ at an officer.” (“It didn’t help that Gibson previously had made disparaging comments about gays during a 1991 interview,” the Reporter adds.) But Gibson’s new film Hacksaw Ridge is receiving acclaim, and—like magic!—he’s back in Hollywood’s good graces, with industry vets telling the Reporter that Mel is not, in fact, an anti-Semitic homophobe, but rather “a gifted storyteller,” “not the person some people interpret him to be,” and “misunderstood.” So, in case you were wondering how long Hollywood’s memory is? Ten years! No matter what repugnant garbage you say, it’ll all be forgotten in 10 years! (Here’s looking forward to 2026’s premiere of The Apprentice: Return of Trump.)


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13

By the way, if you’ve been thinking about spreading the rumor that Kim Kardashian may not have actually been robbed recently in her Paris hotel... welllll... you might want to put a pin in that. “Kim Kardashian West filed a libel lawsuit against the celebrity gossip site MediaTakeout for suggesting the reality star staged her Paris robbery,” wrote CNNMoney. So how did the gossip site respond to the suit? By backpedaling as furiously as possible. “Our number one goal is to produce the most accurate information as quickly as possible,” MediaTakeout founder Fred Mwangaguhunga told CNNMoney. “It’s now clear that she was robbed. It’s clear that the reporting that we did hurt her, and we certainly don’t want that to be what we do.” Mmm... we need a bit more groveling from you, Fred. “Kim Kardashian is not just a celebrity, she is a human being,” Fred said while crawling on his hands and knees. “She is a wife, she is a mother, and she was a victim of a violent crime. She definitely did not deserve it and she deserved to be believed.” Well, that was okay. Now say three hail Kanyes, watch all 12 seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and all will be forgiven.


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14

Wait. What’s that wailing alarm sound? OH NO, IT’S A TRUMP TSUNAMI! Quick, grab a life vest and... GLUB! As of press time, nine women have stepped forward to accuse Donald Trump of sexual assault—including former model Kristin Anderson, who told the Washington Post that during the early ’90s, Trump sat to the right of her at a crowded Manhattan nightspot and slid his fingers “under her miniskirt, moved up her thighs and touched her vagina through her underwear.” Anderson added she was “very grossed out.” GLUB! In 2009, while taping an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, host Donald Trump said very disparaging remarks about contestant Khloe Kardashian, according to three sources who worked on the show and spoke to the Huffington Post. One of the sources remembered him saying, “Why don’t we fire Khloe? She is a fat piglet. Why did we get the ugly Kardashian?” (If we were you, Donald, we’d watch our mouth. The Kardashians are in a litigious mood.)


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15

GASP! The Trump Tsunami continues! GLUB! In 2011, Oscar-winning actress Marlee Matlin—who’s deaf—appeared on Celebrity Apprentice, and according to three former staffers talking to the Daily Beast, Donald Trump asked if Matlin was “retarded,” while making fun of her speaking voice. GLUB! “It sounded like he got a real kick out of it,” said a source. During the 2013 season of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice (HOW DID THIS SHOW STAY ON THE AIR SO LONG?!?), contestant/rapper Lil Jon put on an Uncle Sam costume to help advertise his team’s hair product. Donald Trump looked at Jon in his outfit and yelled, “Look, he’s Uncle Tom!” The producers and special guest Arsenio Hall attempted to educate Trump on the racially charged history of the term, but “He just couldn’t grasp that it was offensive,” said an Apprentice employee at the time. “When Trump decides he wants to do something, that’s his way.”


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16

GLUB! Trump! Gasp! Tsunami! Gasp! Continues! GLUB! An Apprentice season five contestant, Summer Zervos, came forward this week to accuse Donald Trump of sexual assault, saying that the host “thrusted” his “genitals” on her. GLUB! At one point during his tenure, Trump campaigned hard for a “black-versus-white” season of The Apprentice. Again, he didn’t see it as problematic. GLUB! In a 2004 appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show, Trump had this to say about then 18-year-old Lindsay Lohan. “She’s probably deeply troubled,” he said to Stern, “and therefore great in bed.” (And that, dear readers, is when we decided to just stop struggling and slip silently beneath the waves. On the upside, we always wanted a burial at sea.)