MONDAY, OCTOBER 31

Welcome back to a very spoooooOOooOooky One Day at a Time—for today is Halloween, the most terrifying and horrific day of the year! What blood-curdling, jaw-dropping news do we have for you, boys and ghouls, on this most cursed and forsaken of days? Oh, only this: As we write this, we have no idea who’ll win the 2016 presidential election! And thanks to headlines like “Trump Is Just a Normal Polling Error Behind Clinton” (go to hell, FiveThirtyEight) and “A Militia Gets Battle Ready for a ‘Gun-Grabbing’ Clinton Presidency” (stop giving us nightmares, New York Times), everything seems more horrible than it’s ever been before. But hey! At least we aren’t Val Kilmer! “[Kilmer] is dealing with exactly what I had, and things don’t look too good for him,” revealed actor and oral cancer survivor Michael Douglas last week in London, ominously preparing the world for the fact that Val Kilmer is going to die very, very soon, and is in a horrible place and could use all of our prayers an—WAIT, THIS JUST IN! “I love Michael Douglas, but he is misinformed,” said a very healthy, very bewildered Val Kilmer. “The last time I spoke to him was almost two years ago, when I asked him for a referral for a specialist to get a diagnosis for a lump in my throat... I ended up using a team at UCLA and have no cancer whatsoever. I still have a swollen tongue and am rehabbing steadily.” So don’t worry, everybody! Aside from a swollen tongue, Kilmer is fine! (It’s the rest of us who might be doomed.) NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE US... We need to turn off our porch lights and close our drapes so no children will annoy us this evening. Well, no more than Hubby Kip, at least. He’s dressed up as Doctor Strange and keeps trying to “enchant” us into a “sexy mood.” Maybe after the election, honey. Maybe.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1

Last night Hubby Kip insisted on sleeping in his “Cape of Levitation” (and nothing but his Cape of Levitation), so we spent seven hours awake in the dark, staring at the ceiling, second-guessing each our life choices. But on the upside, Louis C.K. went on Conan O’Brien and tried to make everybody feel better! “I think she’s great,” C.K. told Conan about Hillary Clinton. “It’s not like a lesser of two evils—I think she’s great. I really like her. I think she’s talented and I think she’s super smart.” He added, “To me, it’s very exciting to have the first mother in the White House. It’s not about the first woman, it’s about the first mom—because a mother, she’s got it.... She feeds you, she teaches you, she protects you. She takes care of shit!” C.K. then put it in even clearer terms: “If you vote for Hillary, you’re a grownup. If you vote for Trump, you’re a sucker. If you don’t vote for anybody, you’re an asshole.” Now those should have been the T-shirts the Clinton campaign was selling! IN RELATED NEWS... “It’s really too bad Hillary Clinton, Louis C.K., Conan O’Brien, Hubby Kip, and Doctor Strange are all going to die soon,” Michael Douglas told a group of reporters. “I hear they’ve all got the same thing I had, and it doesn’t look good for any of them!”

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2

Well, we can stop worrying about one thing, everybody: Steven Seagal is finally a Russian citizen! “Russia has granted citizenship to Steven Seagal via a decree from president Vladimir Putin, published on the Kremlin’s official website,” writes the Hollywood Reporter, bringing a close to several years of an unlikely friendship between the ’80s action star and Russia’s warmongering leader. “Seagal automatically became a Russian citizen as soon as the decree was published, and he doesn’t have to officially accept it,” the Reporter continued. “There was no immediate known reaction from Seagal.” Look, so long as we only have to hear “Seagal” in the same sentence as “Putin,” and not “Trump,” we’re going to count this as a win. Congratulations on your new Russian citizenship, Steven Seagal! Please keep Putin from starting World War III or annihilating Syria or posting any more weird topless pictures of himself on a horse. Thank you for your service.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3

Last night the annual Country Music Awards gave the rest of us a reason to stomach the annual Country Music Awards: a surprise performance by BeyoncĂ© and the Dixie Chicks! This unlikely team-up, who performed a barn-burning version of Bey’s “Daddy Lessons” from the greatest work of art so far this century, Lemonade (disagree and we will punch you), was hands-down the highlight of the show... which made country music fans happy, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA... NO. “BeyoncĂ© performed at the CMAs last night,” noted one particularly bitter hayseed, “and is on a mission to take country music away from us, hardworking white people.” He then went on to vomit up a couple of highly racist, misogynistic expletives—because of course this is all that undereducated, insecure, threatened white men know how to do. Sadly this amazing performance was the subject of many such comments—so much that, according to TMZ, the CMA head honchos caved to pressure and scrubbed all evidence of Queen Bey and the Dixie Chicks’ performance from their site and social media. They later returned some of the pictures and video, but only after Beyoncé’s loyal followers in the Bee Hive demanded their return and articles such as the one produced by TMZ had been written. While most of the artists attending the CMAs voiced their strong approval of BeyoncĂ© gracing their unworthy presence—goddamn right—one tobacco-spittin’ dullard didn’t quite agree. “Apparently the CMA thinks BeyoncĂ© is as relevant to country music as Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, or Patsy Cline,” sobbed hillbilly crooner Travis Tritt on Twitter. “Because the CMA folks don’t think country music is strong enough to stand on its own,” he added. And THAT is the most astute thing an illiterate redneck bumpkin has said all day.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4

According to Entertainment Tonight, Pascal Duvier—the longtime bodyguard to Kim Kardashian—has been axed from the star’s security detail following Kardashian being robbed at gunpoint in Paris. According to insiders, the firing was not due to the robbery itself, since Duvier had been assigned to sisters Kourtney Kardashian and Kendall Jenner that evening. Rather, the traumatizing event has since inspired Kim and Kanye to revamp their entire security system, which will not include Duvier. HOWEVER. The Entertainment Tonight article also ran a photo of Duvier, pictured wearing an Under Armour shirt and fanny pack—IN PUBLIC. Obviously wearing Under Armour in any situation other than the gym—much less a fanny pack—is a grotesque crime against fashion, and one that Kanye West would never, ever allow in his presence. AND YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER. If someone you know wears Under Armour in place of normal street clothing, do the right thing: Take every piece of this abysmal Walmart-worthy clothing and burn it in a gasoline pit. The world will thank you.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5

Buckle those seat belts, because the continuing Brangelina divorce drama just got a lot bumpier. After weeks of silence, Brad Pitt has filed a response to ex-wife Angelina Jolie’s request for sole custody of their six-strong child army—and the answer is “OH HELL NO.” Brad is apparently gathering his legal dream team to take on Angelina in court if she doesn’t agree to a joint custody arrangement. As you’ve undoubtedly heard, Angie has accused Brad of having a problem with booze and the sticky-icky, but according to TMZ she would eventually consider a joint custody arrangement if he ever “gets his shit together.” So what does it all mean? That we can expect something terrible to talk about when the court case eventually rolls around in early 2017—because this year’s been sorta uneventful so far, wouldn’t you agree?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6

Okay, so it's only two more days until the presidential election, and... oh, what’s this? Butthole FBI Director James Comey has another announcement to make! You remember Comey, right? The Republican FBI stooge who, 11 short days before the election, told Congress he'd found a lot of new emails that could potentially make Hillary Clinton look really bad—though, of course, he wouldn’t supply any details. This late-breaking revelation put the Clinton campaign into a tailspin, while providing the Travis Tritts of the world with lots more gasoline for their never-ending conspiracy theory fires. So what did Comey have to share with us today? That the FBI found no criminal wrongdoing in this new batch of Clinton emails. NONE. NADA. ZILCH. There was nothing there. So that's good news, right? Yeah, except that Comey's previous, entirely unnecessary, and potentially election-swaying announcement sent us into a weeklong martini panic spiral, which we're just now emerging from! So thanks a fucking pant-load, Comey! And if you could? Keep your stupid mouth shut for just two more days, if you don't mind? That's a good boy.