PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—and the week America will finally, finally elect a woman president! (Not to mention the week America will finally, finally never have to think about Donald Trump again! EEEEEE! We’re so excited!) Luckily—according to every reliable poll and every reliable news story—Hillary Clinton is cruising her way to victory with a comfortable lead over her racist, misogynist, xenophobic, isolationist, and profiteering opponent! So let’s focus on an inspiring story that highlights the bright, inclusive future we’re headed into! From Chicago’s ABC 7 comes the news that Chance the Rapper led several hundred young voters to vote! “Hometown favorite Chance the Rapper hosted and headlined a free concert at Petrillo Music Shell in Grant Park called ‘Parade to the Polls,’” ABC 7 reported. “Concertgoers were led by organizers to the nearest early voting station.... The event was geared toward millennial voters, who have been crucial in recent elections.” “I think everyone felt really empowered,” said attendee Ariel Pritchard. “We’re sure of ourselves, and we know that we can go out and make a difference.” Damn straight, Ariel! “It’s good to see people get together and come together for a cause,” added attendee Carlton Ponds, “and actually do something with their day and vote.” Hell yes, Carlton! Oh, and Chance the Rapper? You’re the best, and we hope you get some kind of position in Clinton’s cabinet! Czar of Young Voters, maybe? Secretary of Hip-Hop, perhaps? We’ll figure out the details once she’s been sworn in! We’re almost there, everybody! Just one! More! Day!


TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8

Voters waiting in line to cast their ballots near Multnomah County Election Division headquarters this afternoon got a rude shock, reported the Portland Mercury this afternoon. According to one eyewitness, a Multnomah County Sheriff's deputy in a vehicle marked "Sheriff" rolled past a line of voters near SE Morrison and 11th chanting "Vote Trump" from his car. Huh. That’s weird. It didn't change anyone's mind, witness Pat Moran told the Mercury. "Nobody was like, ‘Oh right, that guy. I was undecided until now." Still, what a strange, possibly illegal thing to happen! Good thing we don't believe in omens, or else... oh. OH, SHIT... "Donald John Trump was elected the 45th president of the United States," reported the New York Times this evening. GASP. Wait... WHAT??? "The triumph for Mr. Trump, 70, a real estate developer-turned-reality television star with no government experience, was a powerful rejection of the establishment forces that had assembled against him." While reeling from the news—which, given Trump's hateful campaign rhetoric, is terrifying to everyone who isn't a wealthy white man—some looked to other elections for hope. There was none. "Republicans retained their majorities in the House and Senate," reported BBC. "Republican dominance over Congress in principle enables Mr. Trump to turn his policy plans into law." And to close out this awful, shocking day, we turn back to the NY Times: "The success of the Republican real estate mogul left many American women in a state of shock over a victory they had counted on belonging to them, their sisters, aunts, and girlfriends," wrote Jodi Kantor. "Late into the night, mothers said they were not sure how they were going to break the news to their sleeping daughters in the morning. At what was supposed to be the Pennsylvania Democratic Party's celebration in Philadelphia, several devastated women were lying on the carpeted ballroom floor, tears welling." A few said they could barely speak. And—for the first time in the history of One Day—that's how we feel, too. See you tomorrow.


WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9

So: What the hell happened? While there’ll be time for fingerpointing later this week (oh, will there ever), for now we can cling to a small thread of hope: That as those who voted for Trump die off, future elections will look very different! “High school students across the country staged walkouts today to protest Donald Trump’s election” reports Naomi LaChance at the Intercept, noting that roughly half of the students at Berkeley High School—1,500 students—walked out, chanting “Not my president” as they marched. “Similar protests happened in Phoenix, Arizona; Boulder, Colorado; Seattle, Washington; and Des Moines, Iowa,” the Intercept added, before quoting the chant of West Seattle High School’s marching students: “This is what democracy looks like.” And today—as hungover and depressed and frightened as we are—we’ll take that silver lining. We’ll take the hell out of it.


THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10

This morning we awoke, put our feet on the floor, and splashed a martini in our face. Yup, same America as yesterday. And yet? We move forward—because that’s what we do. President-elect Donald Trump and President Barack Obama met for the first time in the White House today, and... let’s just stop right there for a moment. We need to breathe deeply into a paper bag. Okay. The pair posed together shaking hands with the same expressions they’d have if they were holding a rotting trout. And if this image wasn’t bizarre and unbelievable enough for you, how about the simultaneous meeting between First Lady Michelle Obama and Melania Trump—in which they shared tea? Yes, this is a tradition that goes back for decades. But to see Melania Trump in the same breathing space as the most amazing, inspirational First Lady to ever exist? THAT’S JUST A LITTLE BIT MUCH DON’TCHA THINK? (Breathes deeply into a paper bag.) Okay, on the upside, this mind-bending meet-up got a lot of play on Twitter from those who clearly remember Melania plagiarizing one of Michelle’s speeches during the Republican National Convention. For example, from @jeffpearlman: “Michelle Obama welcomes Melania Trump to the White House: ‘Nice to meet you.’ Nice to meet you. ‘Come in.’ Come in. ‘Tea?’ Tea?” And from @MichaelkParsons: “Michelle Obama: I was happy to welcome Melania to the White House for tea. Melania: Yes, and I was also happy to welcome Melania to the....”


FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11

And for those who still think it was Hillary Clinton’s fault she lost this election, consider the words of the Guardian’s Rebecca Solnit in a piece titled, “Don’t Call Clinton a Weak Candidate; It Took Decades of Scheming to Beat Her.” “It took James Comey, the director of the FBI, using that faux scandal and his power to stage a misleading smear attack on Clinton 11 days before the election,” Solnit writes. “It took a compliant mainstream media running after his sabotage like a golden retriever chasing a tennis ball. It took decades of conservative attacks on the Clintons.” Solnit also name-checks many more road blocks that were thrown in front of the Clinton campaign, such as voter suppression, Fox News (and chairman Roger Ailes), the media’s failure to spotlight climate change, Julian Assange—a Russian government puppet who used “WikiLeaks as a tool for revenge”— and Russian hackers. And despite all that? As of today, Hillary Clinton has won the election’s popular vote (leading Trump by more than 700,000 votes at press time), and will probably get the most votes a presidential candidate has ever received, while still losing thanks to the electoral college. So yeah... one might say there was a lot going against Hillary Clinton.


SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12

(Breathing into paper bag.) Let’s just skip right to Sunday. (Breathing into paper bag.)


SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13

Sooooooo... about this whole “immediately deporting two to three million undocumented immigrants” thing. President-elect Donald Trump (eeesh!) went on 60 Minutes to discuss the situation with interviewer Lesley Stahl, and for the most part? Had a “holy fuck, what the fuck have I done?” expression on his face. It’s become obvious that he’s in waaaaay over his head, and never actually expected to follow through on the ludicrous promises he made to gullible followers. For example, when Stahl asked about deportation, Trump claimed he would prioritize deporting illegal immigrants who are “gang members and drug dealers” or have other criminal convictions. According to Trump, there are “a lot of these people, probably two million, it could even be three million.” Yeah... that’s incorrect. According to fivethirtyeight.com and several think tanks, there are roughly 11 million illegal immigrants in the United States, and only 820,000 have criminal records. So to everyone who’s in the country illegally? START COMMITTING CRIMES NOW. Otherwise, you’re gonna make Donald Trump look like an idiot. MEANWHILE... Trump is already choosing his administration dream team, which is turning out to be a nightmare for the rest of us. Most concerning is his choice for “chief strategist and senior counselor,” Steve Bannon, chairman of the far-right website Breitbart News, which is known for its white supremacist, anti-Semitic, and strongly misogynist views. (This is what happens when you give people like Donald Trump “a chance.”) Thankfully, Oregon has Senator Jeff Merkley who came out swinging HARD against the appointment. “There should be no sugarcoating the truth here,” Merkley wrote in a statement. “Donald Trump just invited a white nationalist into the highest reaches of the government.” “[He] needs to forcefully denounce the hateful actions and efforts to intimidate people.... and rescind the appointment of Steve Bannon.” While we’d love for Trump to respect Merkley’s passionate words, we all know the path he’s chosen to take. Yes, it’s been a rough week, but it’s time to stop breathing into a paper bag. It’s time to fight.