MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21
We’ll admit it, dears: For much of 2016, your fave gossip column (One Day at a Time, of course) turned into a political column. We couldn’t help it! Such are the times we live in—when a hateful reality TV star manages to con millions of Americans into voting for him, garbage stories about garbage celebrities that would normally be relegated to the gossip pages instead become actual, horrifying news. But this year, Trump has taken up entirely too much of One Day—so let’s focus on what this column is really about, which is celebrities who only think they rule the world! And so we come to Jennifer Lawrence, who’s raising eyebrows around Tinseltown with her latest beau—47-year-old director Darren Aronofsky! Despite being more than 20 years apart, JLaw and DarAr (we’ll... work on it) “are said to have gotten close while filming [an] upcoming home-invasion horror movie this past summer in Montreal,” gushes the Daily Mail. “Close” is certainly one word for it, given that pics of the couple show them holding hands, laughing, an—WAIT, THIS JUST IN! Oblivious idiot Gwyneth Paltrow is here to ruin everything. Sigh. And this week’s column was off to such a good start. “Though much of America is still reeling from Donald Trump’s presidential election win, life for Gwyneth Paltrow has continued as normal,” writes Allie Jones at New York. “Last week, she launched her now-infamous Goop gift guide (complete with an $8,300 yurt), and this weekend, she spoke at the Airbnb Open conference in Los Angeles, where she expressed excitement in the face of our country’s doomsday reality.” Grab hold of something, dears! Things are about to get rough! “It’s such an exciting time to be an American because we are at this amazing inflection point,” blathered Paltrow. “People are clearly tired of the status quo, and... it’s sort of like someone threw it all in the air and we’re going to see how it lands. It’s very important for me, personally, now more than ever, to create a community and to remember the humanity of everybody and to create love and... understanding.” Quick, someone lure Gwynnie into her $8,300 yurt before she can say anything else inane about how “exciting” it is to be an American right now. And once she’s inside... maybe light the yurt on fire? JUST AN IDEA.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
Last week, we wrote about how Kanye West has been displaying some rather... Kanye Westian behavior, from interrupting one of his concerts to launch into a bewildering rant in which he told fans “I didn’t vote... but if I would’ve voted, I would’ve voted for Trump” to accusing Beyoncé of rigging the VMAs and chastising Jay Z for refusing to “talk to him like a man.” But yesterday, things took a serious turn as West was hospitalized after what the Los Angeles Fire Department deemed a “psychiatric emergency,” possibly related to what TMZ claims was “severe sleep deprivation.” Now, we certainly don’t mean to make light of what is clearly a major psychological issue. But at the same time? Between the nonsensical monologues, the baseless allegations, and that whopper of a persecution complex, Kanye’s kind of just sounding like any other Trump supporter.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23
But enough about America—let’s talk about Turkey! And... its alleged secret agent, Lindsay Lohan? According to BuzzFeed, Lohan has been using a curious phrase—“the world is bigger than five”—in her social media posts, making “people in Turkey very suspicious.” “Turns out it’s a favorite phrase of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and his allies,” BuzzFeed reveals, noting that to Erdogan, the “five” refers to the permanent members of the UN Security Council (America, the United Kingdom, France, China, and Russia) and that “Turkey thinks the number of countries on the council should expand—and probably include Turkey.” What’s more, Lohan has spent so much time in recent interviews praising “Erdogan and his handling of the coup attempt this summer” that Turkish citizens are beginning to wonder if Lohan’s being paid by Erdogan! So... that’d be weird. IN RELATED NEWS... But not weird enough! Haha, Turkey! America still has Donald Trump as its president-elect! You’re gonna have to try a lot harder if you want to be the world’s goofiest country! (CONFIDENTIAL TO TURKEY: Hey, can Gwyneth Paltrow come live with you? She has her own yurt!)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Happy Thanksgiving—and if you’re anything like us, you spent the day feeding Hubby Kip’s racist cousin Stan a plate of pot brownies so he’d be incapable of spewing any nonsensical support of Trump. (No, he did not overdose and need to be taken to the hospital. *frowny face*) However, one thing to always be thankful for is our opportunity to fuck with the pea-sized brain of Donald Trump. This week, New York described how Hillary Clinton is being encouraged by election lawyers and prominent computer scientists to challenge election results in three swing states—Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania—due to the possibility of hacking or manipulation. Upon review of the results, scientists noted anomalies between electronic-voting machines and optical scan or paper ballots, and, along with growing evidence that Russians hacked into the DNC’s emails, this might warrant a recount. Naturally, this made millions of Americans who voted for Clinton perk the fuck up—but also put the Clinton campaign in an uncomfortable position. A successful recount could possibly—but not likely—overturn Trump’s presidency, while an unsuccessful recount would further embolden stupid racists like Cousin Stan. SO WHAT TO DO? Since any presidential candidate could ask for a recount, Green Party nominee Jill Stein decided to step up to the plate. (This is perhaps her biggest accomplishment of the entire campaign, aside from becoming the unofficial spokesperson for the turquoise jewelry industry. Send your screaming rants to Ann Romano, care of this paper.) Stand by to see if she fucks this up!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Hey, would ya look at that... Jill Stein didn’t fuck it up! After receiving millions in donations, Stein successfully petitioned Wisconsin to do an official recount, with the possibility of Michigan and Pennsylvania joining in next week. Again, DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP... but if we can cause Donald Trump and the Cousin Stans of the world to experience even the briefest discomfort, that’s reason enough to do it right there. That’s why, for today and today only, we’ll wear a Jill Stein turquoise necklace. (Uggh. The things we do for this democracy.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of electoral manipulation, the Washington Post reported that during the election, the Russian government paid to post fake news articles on the internet spreading blatant misinformation about Hillary Clinton. Independent researchers accuse Russia of bankrolling 200 websites that published fake stories about Clinton’s so-called “crimes” and “ill-health”—which reached 15 million Americans. The Russians also planted similarly untrue stories on Facebook, which were then shared and viewed... wait for it... 213 million times. HEY RACIST COUSIN STAN! YOU WERE DUPED... LIKE, 213 MILLION TIMES!
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26
“Fidel Castro’s legacy is one of firing squads, theft, unimaginable suffering, poverty, and the denial of fundamental human rights,” squealed Donald Trump in response to the long-time Cuban leader’s death. And... um... here’s where it gets awkward... Trump was kind of... errrr... right? At least according to the way Human Rights Watch sees it. While Castro was well regarded during his five-decade rule for his country’s strides in education and healthcare, these accomplishments are overshadowed by his longstanding repression and punishment of any kind of dissent. Thousands of Cubans were imprisoned for speaking out against him, while thousands more were intimidated into silence, beaten, or both. The human rights organization also says that Castro cracked down on defenders of human rights, journalists, and unions, often sending them to prisons deemed unfit for humans. “Castro’s draconian rule and the harsh punishments he meted out to dissidents kept his repressive system rooted firmly in place for decades,” said José Miguel Vivanco, director of the Human Rights Watch Americas division. Which, sure, is pretty much exactly what Trump said—though rest assured, his legacy won’t be much more attractive than Castro’s.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Yesterday we started with a Donald Trump quote that he accidentally got right—today we start with a quote that’s a little more his speed. Still fuming over the unmitigated GALL of Green candidate Jill Stein calling for a recount of Wisconsin’s election results, Trump had this to say on Twitter: “In addition to winning the Electoral College in a landslide, I won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally.” Obviously there is absolutely zero evidence of illegal voting happening—much less “millions” of people doing it. So for those keeping score at home: Before the election Trump was convinced the election was “rigged,” after winning he thought the election was “fair,” and now he’s saying it’s “rigged” again. So if it’s “rigged,” we should assume he’s in favor of a “recount”! Thanks, Trump! (Hee-hee-heeee... we’ll drive him crazy.)