BRAD PITT Enjoy those leftover turkey sandwiches on your private island.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—your deeply trusted, time-honored chronicle of the collapse of western civilization. ON THE UPSIDE... At least Brad Pitt is having a nice time! “Pitt spent Thanksgiving weekend'hanging out with one of his buddies'; because Angelina Jolie wouldn’t let him see their children over the holiday,” reports Page Six. Oh, wait... did we say “nice time”? We meant “sad divorced dad time.” But, you know—not too sad, since Pitt was spotted in a $34,000-per-night villa at the Amanyara resort in Turks and Caicos—a spot that, Page Six notes, is also a favorite of Olivia Wilde, Kelly Ripa, and Chelsea Clinton! (We'e assuming none of them went because Angie refused to text them back, though.) According to the resort’s website, Amanyara is “nestled on an 18,000-acre nature preserve” and boasts a 'powdery, white sand beach' that stretches for half a mile. Really? $34,000 a night and only half a mile of powdery, white sand beaches? IN RELATED NEWS... Last weekend, Hubby Kip got so sick of us asking him to put down his PlayStation and clean out the goddamn gutters already that he threw a hissy fit, stormed out, and stayed a night at the Motel 6 on SE Powell. He said it was fine.


TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29

Is Barron Trump autistic? Such is the question raised by a now-pulled YouTube video, that, according to TMZ, “lists a number of signs it claims points to autism, including Barron clapping without slapping his hands together” and “yawning and grimacing during his father's victory speech.” Let's be very clear: If Barron does have autism, there is nothing wrong with that—in fact, the only reason we mention it is that a prominent child with the disorder could be huge for helping people better understand autism. That, in fact, is what Rosie O'Donnell noted when she tweeted the video—noting that if Barron is autistic, it would be “an amazing opportunity to bring attention to the AUTISM epidemic.” But rather than opening up a national dialogue, future first lady Melania Trump reacted... well, like a Trump, calling attorney Charles J. Harder and making sure the video was promptly deleted. “Our sources say Melania is outraged,” TMZ notes, adding, “Melania’s team says both events were late at night, and Barron was exhibiting normal behavior for a 10-year-old.” Or, to be fair, normal behavior for anyone—it'd be more troubling if Barron wasn' “yawning and grimacing” anytime his stupid father opens his stupid mouth. IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS (SORRY)... Like many of Donald Trump's other nominees for his cabinet, his pick for secretary of the Treasury comes with no government experience and a history of craven greed and dealings with the worst of society. Meet Steven Mnuchin—a former Goldman Sachs banker (UGH) who is currently a Hollywood producer, financing movies that have ranged from Black Swan and Avatar to Night at the Museum and The Darjeeling Limited. Perhaps most notably, Mnuchin also helped finance last summer’s Suicide Squada movie about a group of murderous supervillains who team up, fumble around ineptly, and nearly destroy the world. Weird.


WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30

The King of Queens star Leah Remini has spoken out before about her time as a brain-washed Scientologist—but now she’s really speaking out with an A&E documentary series, Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath. So, how does her former cult feel about it? Welllllll.... “The Church of Scientology has been trying to get Remini's series pulled from the air since August,” reports Business Insider. “It has allegedly issued letters to executives at A&E and parent company ABC attacking Remini.” In response, Remini is suing the church for $1.5 mill—THIS JUST IN VIA INTERGALACTIC HOLOCHAT! “Whoa, everybody! Calm down for a parsec!” pleaded Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, Chaoslord of the Gamma Quadrant and Scientology’s chief spokesalien. “This is getting waaaay out of hand! We're all friends here! A&E, you’ve done so much good in the galaxy by beaming out broadcasts of Duck Dynasty and Storage Wars! And Leah! Leah, can I even tell you how many times I’ve relaxed by streaming entire seasons of King of Queens? I cannot, because it’s just too many! Ha! What a delightful program. Now, how about we settle this like civilized sentient beings? A&E, replace Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath with a Duck Dynasty marathon or I’ll blast you with my kyber crystal superlaser and obliterate your entire pathetic planet. And Leah? Report immediately to the Galacticon Pain Institute on the fourth moon of Xanth Prime so we can have a fun coffee date! By which I mean I will teleport you into a black hole. Anyways, so glad we could get this settled, everybody!”


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1

The year 2016 will undoubtedly go down in history as the year the earth turned into Bizarro world from those childish Superman comics Hubby Kip enjoys. Because today... can’t believe we’re about to write this... we kinda sorta possibly maybe agree with... unggh... SARAH PALIN?? As you may have heard, president-elect Donald Trump traveled to Indiana’s Carrier manufacturing plant to crow about how he’s saving 1,000 jobs there by essentially bribing the company’s owners not to move these jobs to Mexico. But don't be fooled, mouth-breathing Trump supporters: Even with those 1,000 saved jobs, Carrier still intends on sending hundreds more to Mexico. And here’s where it gets awkward... former veep wannabe Sarah Palin said this about Trump’s shady deal: “When government steps in arbitrarily with individual subsidies,” she wrote for the Young Conservatives website, “favoring one business over others, it sets inconsistent, unfair, illogical precedent.” Reminder: Palin supported Trump during the election. “Republicans oppose this, remember?” she continued. “We support competition on a level playing field, remember? Because we know special interest crony capitalism is one big fail.” IS THIS WHAT 2017 WILL BE LIKE? Occasionally agreeing with... gahhhh... Sarah Palin? BECAUSE WE DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS!


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2

Today in “good news, bad news”: Kanye West is out of the hospital! (Yayyyyy!) But apparently he’s not currently living with Kim Kardashian? (Booooooo.) As you recall back on November 21, Kanye was handcuffed to a gurney and sent to the hospital after he allegedly attacked a gym employee. His doctor determined he was suffering from temporary psychosis stemming from dehydration and sleep deprivation (hence the KA-RAZY shit he's been saying at recent concerts which includes supporting Donald Trump and flinging shade at Beyoncé—no, no, NO), and has been a resident of the UCLA Medical Center until he was released today. But instead of going home to the Kasa del Kardashian, he is—according to People magazine—living in a separate residence away from Kim and the kids. “He is receiving outpatient care somewhere else with a medical team,” an inside source said. “Kim still seems concerned, but supportive.” Wait... SEEMS CONCERNED? As in, she may not be? DO GO ON! “She is very worried about the kids being around Kanye,” the insider went on. “But they love each other deeply.” Uh-oh. Does anyone else smell an upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians where Kanye is kicked to the kurb? (Which you have to admit would be more interesting than another episode about Khloé stealing Kourtney’s lip liner.)


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3

“Just tried watching Saturday Night Live—unwatchable!” tweeted Donald Trump upon seeing yet another of Alec Baldwin’s blistering impersonations of the president-elect on tonight’s SNL. “Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can’t get any worse. Sad.” Apparently Baldwin agreed, because he tweeted in response, “Release your tax returns and I'll stop.” Trump’s thin-skinned tweet also inspired a very popular two-hour tweet storm from civil rights activist Danielle Muscato, who beautifully lambasted Trump with such choice phrases as, “You are the president-elect,” “You're embarrassing yourself,” and “Don't you have anything better to do? Are you so narcissistic that a PARODY is your priority?” and “You are not fooling anyone. You're scared, and overwhelmed, and you have absolutely no idea what you're doing. And it shows.” In other words—maybe Trump is better off with Alec Baldwin impersonations?


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4

And finally, finally, FINALLY some actual good news that actually happened in 2016! After months of protesting the Dakota Access oil pipeline being built near their reservation, the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe celebrated a major victory: The Army Corps of Engineers announced they would stop their work and look for alternative locations for the pipeline. While it may have taken far too long, the Obama administration issued the work stoppage today following weeks of reports of protesters being shot at with rubber bullets and blasted by water cannons in freezing temperatures. Of course, whether this decision will last past January, when Trump—a stockholder in the company that's building the pipeline—takes office, remains to be seen. But for today? We celebrate, and remember organized resistance can and will get results.