KIM KARDASHIAN "Oh, hi. Just dropped in to make the last days of 2016 just a weeeeee bit worse."

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26

Congrats, dears—we made it! We’re in the home stretch! Finally, 2016—one of the worst years in the history of humanity, except for, you know, maybe that span from 1346 to 1353, in which the Black Plague killed nearly 200 million people, or 2012, when Duck Dynasty premiered—is almost over. Say what you will about the New Year being an arbitrary and meaningless designation based on the relative concept of time... but arbitrary and meaningless things are what One Day at a Time is all about! And there’s no denying that putting 2016 behind us will have some very real psychological benefits—including inspiring us to work together to make sure 2017 isn’t quite so terrible. THEN AGAIN... Perhaps 2017 will be rough too, if perennial One Day foes Kanye West and Gwyneth Paltrow have anything to say about it. FIRST UP... Rumors of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s “disastrous divorce” are “greatly exaggerated,” according to Page Six! (We suppose we should be happy for them... and yet? Their marriage somehow made both of them even more unbearable, so we aren’t.) “They are still a couple,” a source close to Kim claims, adding, “there’s no discussion of a separation or a divorce. But they have absolutely had a tough year. They’ve been through a lot.” (Welcome to the club, Kimye.) And never fear, onlookers who’ve noticed that Kim is no longer wearing her wedding ring! Turns out she’s got a pretty good excuse! “Kardashian no longer wears expensive jewelry outside the house after she was robbed of her pricey baubles in Paris in October,” Page Six notes. (What’s this? A Kardashian displaying a modicum of common sense? This year has been weird.) AND SECONDLY... “I’m like, this is my role. I’m here to do this. A friend told me if you’re a trailblazer, you’re the first one through, and you get the cuts because you’re hacking the path.” So speaketh the eternally insufferable Gwyneth Paltrow, who spoke to InStyle about her brave decision to use her lifestyle pornography site Goop to pander to oblivious rich white people. “I like myself, and I’m just going to live my life,” Paltrow blathered. “I’m going to stop worrying and tearing myself down.” Hmm. Sure, sweetie, self-esteem is always nice—but oblivious, privileged morons such as yourself (who, lest we forget, described Trump’s victory as “such an exciting time to be an American” because “it’s sort of like someone threw it all in the air and we’re going to see how it lands”) are exactly the sort of people who should be tearing themselves down! It’s not too late to make “acquiring self-awareness” a New Year’s resolution, Gwynnie. Hell, ask Kim Kardashian for help.


TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27

And of course 2016 isn’t going to let us escape without one last parting shot. The beloved Carrie Fisher—who started out playing Star Wars’ Princess Leia, then transformed herself into an author, a memoirist, a sought-after script doctor, and an advocate for mental health—unexpectedly passed away today. She was only 60 years old. “She had a heart attack on a flight from London to Los Angeles on Friday and had been hospitalized in Los Angeles,” reported the New York Times, noting that Fisher “established Princess Leia as a damsel who could very much deal with her own distress” before going on to play memorable roles in When Harry Met Sally... and Hannah and Her Sisters along with writing hilarious memoirs, acerbic novels, and an advice column for the Guardian, in which she discussed her struggles. “We have been given a challenging illness, and there is no other option than to meet those challenges,” Fisher wrote to a reader who had been diagnosed as bipolar—just as Fisher was. “Think of it as an opportunity to be heroic,” she continued. “Not ‘I survived living in Mosul during an attack’ heroic, but an emotional survival.” Whether it was onscreen, on the page, or via her inspiringly unfiltered interviews and tweets, Fisher helped a lot of people emotionally survive—something for which we should all be grateful. “She was just as brilliant and beautiful, tough and wonderful, incisive and funny as you could imagine,” remembered J.J. Abrams, who directed Fisher in Star Wars: The Force Awakens—a film that saw Fisher evolve Leia into a tough military commander. “What an unfair thing to lose her. How lucky to have been blessed with her at all.”


WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28

OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING. “Debbie Reynolds, the wholesome ingénue in 1950s films like Singin’ in the Rain and Tammy and the Bachelor, died on Wednesday, a day after the death of her daughter, the actress Carrie Fisher,” reported the New York Times today. “She was 84.” SERIOUSLY, 2016? FUCKING SERIOUSLY? We can’t even—yeah. We just... can’t fucking even. So instead, we’re going to pour ourselves a bucket-sized martini, we’re going to cuddle up with Hubby Kip on the couch, and as soon as he’s done watching The Force Awakens for the billionth time today—he’s saluting each time Carrie comes on screen—we’re putting on Singin’ in the Rain. See you tomorrow, dears.


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29

Just three more days... just make it three more days.... Okay, finally here’s some news we can get behind: “Jennifer Lopez Seems ‘Smitten’ with Drake” squeals an obviously relieved People magazine who also cannot bear another iota of bad news. The luscious pair made tongues wag this week by taking breaks from their current musical collaboration to post soft-focus Instagram pics of themselves cuddling up like a pair of sexy koalas. An inside source tells People that while Lopez and Drake “do work on music together,” they “clearly enjoy each other on another level, too.” READ: A SEXY COITUS LEVEL. Is this merely an obvious ploy to sell more units of their upcoming single? Oh, probably. But as long as they’re giving us such a clearly wonderful reason to masturbate, can we really blame them?


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30

Two more days... just make it two more days.... Oh fine, whatever, let’s chat a bit about Donald (UGH!) Trump. The good news is that his upcoming inauguration will probably be a disaster on a Mariah Carey level (see Sunday for more details on that joke). The bad news is that at least two organizations have unwisely decided to participate—the high-kicking dance troupe the Rockettes, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. “This is not a Republican or Democrat issue,” said Rockette Mary to Marie Claire. “This is a women’s rights issue. This is an issue of racism and sexism, something that’s much bigger than politics.” While the union has stated dancers are not required to perform for Trump, Mary and others are scared they will face retaliation and lose their positions within the company. Meanwhile, Jan Chamberlin, a singer in the famed Mormon Tabernacle Choir, has resigned after the group agreed to perform on Inauguration Day. “[If I did this, I] could never look myself in the mirror again with self-respect,” Chamberlain said on Facebook. So who else is slated to perform for Trump? As of press time the only other name that’s been confirmed is someone called Jackie Evancho from some sort of reality show called America’s Got Talent. Ohhh-kay. Strike what we said earlier—this shit show is going to make Mariah Carey’s performance look like Pavarotti (again, see Sunday for the juicy deets).


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31

One more day... just make it one more day... and it’s finally New Year’s Eve. Here’s how president-elect Donald (UGH!) Trump decided to wish us all well on Twitter: “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!” Which is exactly what you’d expect an insecure bully to say after losing the popular vote by three million votes. So—shall we spend each day of 2017 reminding him?


SUNDAY, JANUARY 1

Aaaaand... we made it! The ball dropped on 2016, and we can finally put that steaming, noxious tire fire of a year behind us all—except for maybe Mariah Carey who has a bit more cleanup to do. Following the diva’s spot-on live rendition of “Auld Lang Syne” for Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve program, things went from bad to worse to shit when technical difficulties destroyed Carey’s attempt at performing a medley of her most popular songs. According to her management, she had very little time to rehearse the number, and then the wrong backing track was played, and her in-ear monitor wasn’t working. The result was Carey stumbling around the stage refusing to sing, then asking the audience to sing for her before throwing her hands up and walking off stage. Later on today she tweeted the only excuse she could give for her performance: “Shit happens.” And if that doesn’t perfectly sum up 2016, nothing ever will.