MONDAY, JANUARY 2
SABOTAGE! Thatâs what Mariah Careyâs manager is screaming following Mimiâs devastatingly embarrassing performance on Dick Clarkâs New Yearâs Rockinâ Eve (hosted by Westworld robot Ryan Seacrest). As we delightfully dished last week, Mariah attempted to sing a mashup of her greatest hitsâbut was bedeviled by technical difficulties and ended up forgetting how to sing and aimlessly wandering around the stage. She later tweeted the only logical explanation available (âShit happens!â), which is when the entire debacle shouldâve been forgotten and dumped down Americaâs bottomless memory hole. BUT NO! Mariahâs manager is keeping the humiliation alive by claiming Dick Clark Productions deliberately sabotaged the singer by ignoring her claims that her earpiece wasnât working, and refusing to cut to commercial or delete the performance from the West Coast feed. (Thank you SO MUCH for not doing that, by the way! Weâre keeping that on our DVR forever! Hee-hee!) Naturally Dick Clark Productions is denying any sabotageryâbecause how could they possibly predict an overhyped diva past her prime would tank a live performance in front of millions? Heyyyyy... wait a second....
TUESDAY, JANUARY 3
While itâs rarely in good taste to celebrate the failures of others... we are talking about the Republican Congress here! In a cowardly, sneaky attempt to hide their unceasingly unethical behavior, members attempted to severely weaken the investigative Office of Congressional Ethics in a closed-door meeting just prior to the start of the new legislative session. The ethics office is the only independent team devoted to keeping the House of Representatives honestâand so of course it was the first thing the GOP attempted to dismantle. However, their sneakery was quickly discovered and met with a tsunami of outraged constituents across the political spectrum. And when President-elect Donald âUGH!â Trump tweeted that killing the ethics office shouldnât be the GOPâs first priority, that was the straw that broke the corrupt camelâs back, forcing them to backpedal in the most humiliating fashion. (Well, not as humiliating as what Mariah Carey experienced... but it was up there.) The take-home message? Yes, the Republican Congress is full of corrupt, slimy pigs who need to be watched every secondâbut they can be beaten. Because we beat them.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4
Speaking of people who should be confined to the garbage heap of history, you may (but probably wonât) remember singer Bo Bice as a runner-up in the fourth season of American Idol. (Told ya you wouldnât remember.) Anyway, Bo has discovered a way to crawl back into the limelightâthough not in a very positive way. In an interview with Fox 5, an Atlanta news station, Bo recountedâin a tear-filled, emotional descriptionâhow he visited a Popeyeâs restaurant in Georgia, and when one employee asked âwhose foodâ was ready, another employee motioned to Bo and allegedly said, âthat white boy.â He also accused the workers of making fun of his fucking ridiculously stupid name that, in their defense, is fucking ridiculously stupid. With tears streaming down his face, Bo told Fox 5, âIf the tables had been turned... I would be boycotted. People wouldnât buy my albums.â [THIS JUST IN... Bo Bice has âalbumsâ! We now return you to a poor, oppressed white man crying reverse racism.] âItâs not 1960, itâs 2017,â he continued. âItâs time for us to wake up and start having some dialogue.â Sounds good to us! Since youâve started, weâll keep the dialogue going with this: âBo Bice is an entitled white butthole with a stupid name and a failed music career. You may now join Mariah Careyâs NYE performance in our memory garbage hole.â
THURSDAY, JANUARY 5
And here we go again! Behold this unsurprising headline from Page Six: âJustin Bieber Abandons His Sick Puppy.â Unnnnnngggghhhh. Okay! As you may recall, last August Justin was showing off his brand new puppy, a chow chow named Todd, who was admittedly so cute that the singer wondered how he could be âreal.â Well, as we know, Justin doesnât do so well with ârealâ thingsâso he palmed the pup off on one of his backup dancers, C.J. Salvador. Fast forward a few months, and now C.J. is forced to start a GoFundMe page to raise money for Toddâs surgery, after discovering the pup was born with severe hip dysplasia, and soon will not even be able to walk. While C.J. hasnât asked Justin âI made $56 million in 2016â Bieber for any money... the Biebs hasnât offered any, either. Have we mentioned that this is at least the FOURTH pet Justin has abandoned, including a monkey, a hamster, and a snake? When reached for comment, the abandoned snake said, âI still donât understand what happened. We had so much in common!â
FRIDAY, JANUARY 6
As much as we wished we lived in world where weâd never have to type the name âMariah Careyâ again... this is not that world. Careygate blew up again today, thanks to the Daily Mailâs revelation that a week before her âperformanceâ on New Yearâs Eve, Carey and her entourage did some shopping... in Colorado... annnd can you see where this is going? âIt was not presents for her two young children Mariah seemed to be after,â the Daily Mail dished. âThe 47-year-old pop star and her entourage [were] spotted heading into a marijuana dispensary in the Colorado resort town of Aspen.â Huh! So maybe it wasnât sabotage? Maybe Carey was just stoned out of her mind? Eh, who cares. No one! No one cares! THIS JUST IN... Jenny McCarthy cares! The former Playboy model, former TV host, and current anti-vaxxer has found a new and equally moronic cause: Shit-talking Mariah Carey! Because sure, why not, we guess? âItâs completely unfair and bullshit for [Mariah] to blame Dick Clark Productions,â ranted McCarthy on Sirius XM. âI mean, her voice is not there anymore. I donât think thereâs a problem with her inner ears. I just donât. I think that she used it as an excuse.â And thus, dears, is the beginningâand hopefully the endâof the lamest feud in celebrity history. And now, in the hopes weâll forget all about it, weâre going to a dispensary! Hubby Kip! We need some cash! A lot of it!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 7
And as much as we wished we lived in world where weâd never have to type the name âDonald Trumpâ again... this is not that world. Out of all Trumpâs bewildering, racist, and untenable campaign promises, right at the top was his insane claim that he would build a wall between the United States and Mexico... and that Mexico would pay for it. Except, you know... maybe not so much? Today Trump told the New York Times that he doesnât want to âwait that longâ for Mexico to figure out the funding (which they wonât, because why would they). âBut you start,â Trump insisted, âand then you get reimbursed.â On the upside, even Trumpâs spineless Republican backers wish that their fuhrer would squeeze shut his anus-like mouth whenever he talks about his stupid wall. âRepublicans have balked at increases in domestic spending during the Obama administration,â the Times notes, âand are unlikely to enthusiastically rally behind a proposal that could require billions of taxpayer dollars.â Billions of taxpayer dollars that will totally get reimbursedâright, Donald? Right? UrkâgughâSHUDDER. Whoa! Sorry, dears! We just had a seizure because our eyes rolled so hard. Hubby Kip! Bring us that bag from the dispensary!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 8
âBeing your first lady has been the greatest honor of my life,â Michelle Obama said today in her final public address as First Lady. âAnd I hope Iâve made you proud.â Fighting back tears, one of the greatest First Ladies America has ever had said more, too... some of it rather pointed. âOur glorious diversityâour diversities of faiths, and colors, and creedsâthat is not a threat to who we are,â she said. âIt makes us who we are.â Oh, and: âTo the young people here and the young people out there: Do not ever let anybody make you feel like you donât matter or like you donât have a place in our American story, because you do. And you have a right to be exactly who you are.â Dears, Michelle Obama is just the best, and we are going to miss her very, very much. Her speech just isnât going to be the same when Melania Trump gives it next week.