MICHELLE OBAMA Simply the best person in the universe. (Sigh!) iStock / BasSlabbers

MONDAY, JANUARY 2

SABOTAGE! That’s what Mariah Carey’s manager is screaming following Mimi’s devastatingly embarrassing performance on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (hosted by Westworld robot Ryan Seacrest). As we delightfully dished last week, Mariah attempted to sing a mashup of her greatest hits—but was bedeviled by technical difficulties and ended up forgetting how to sing and aimlessly wandering around the stage. She later tweeted the only logical explanation available (“Shit happens!”), which is when the entire debacle should’ve been forgotten and dumped down America’s bottomless memory hole. BUT NO! Mariah’s manager is keeping the humiliation alive by claiming Dick Clark Productions deliberately sabotaged the singer by ignoring her claims that her earpiece wasn’t working, and refusing to cut to commercial or delete the performance from the West Coast feed. (Thank you SO MUCH for not doing that, by the way! We’re keeping that on our DVR forever! Hee-hee!) Naturally Dick Clark Productions is denying any sabotagery—because how could they possibly predict an overhyped diva past her prime would tank a live performance in front of millions? Heyyyyy... wait a second....


TUESDAY, JANUARY 3

While it’s rarely in good taste to celebrate the failures of others... we are talking about the Republican Congress here! In a cowardly, sneaky attempt to hide their unceasingly unethical behavior, members attempted to severely weaken the investigative Office of Congressional Ethics in a closed-door meeting just prior to the start of the new legislative session. The ethics office is the only independent team devoted to keeping the House of Representatives honest—and so of course it was the first thing the GOP attempted to dismantle. However, their sneakery was quickly discovered and met with a tsunami of outraged constituents across the political spectrum. And when President-elect Donald “UGH!” Trump tweeted that killing the ethics office shouldn’t be the GOP’s first priority, that was the straw that broke the corrupt camel’s back, forcing them to backpedal in the most humiliating fashion. (Well, not as humiliating as what Mariah Carey experienced... but it was up there.) The take-home message? Yes, the Republican Congress is full of corrupt, slimy pigs who need to be watched every second—but they can be beaten. Because we beat them.


WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4

Speaking of people who should be confined to the garbage heap of history, you may (but probably won’t) remember singer Bo Bice as a runner-up in the fourth season of American Idol. (Told ya you wouldn’t remember.) Anyway, Bo has discovered a way to crawl back into the limelight—though not in a very positive way. In an interview with Fox 5, an Atlanta news station, Bo recounted—in a tear-filled, emotional description—how he visited a Popeye’s restaurant in Georgia, and when one employee asked “whose food” was ready, another employee motioned to Bo and allegedly said, “that white boy.” He also accused the workers of making fun of his fucking ridiculously stupid name that, in their defense, is fucking ridiculously stupid. With tears streaming down his face, Bo told Fox 5, “If the tables had been turned... I would be boycotted. People wouldn’t buy my albums.” [THIS JUST IN... Bo Bice has “albums”! We now return you to a poor, oppressed white man crying reverse racism.] “It’s not 1960, it’s 2017,” he continued. “It’s time for us to wake up and start having some dialogue.” Sounds good to us! Since you’ve started, we’ll keep the dialogue going with this: “Bo Bice is an entitled white butthole with a stupid name and a failed music career. You may now join Mariah Carey’s NYE performance in our memory garbage hole.”


THURSDAY, JANUARY 5

And here we go again! Behold this unsurprising headline from Page Six: “Justin Bieber Abandons His Sick Puppy.” Unnnnnngggghhhh. Okay! As you may recall, last August Justin was showing off his brand new puppy, a chow chow named Todd, who was admittedly so cute that the singer wondered how he could be “real.” Well, as we know, Justin doesn’t do so well with “real” things—so he palmed the pup off on one of his backup dancers, C.J. Salvador. Fast forward a few months, and now C.J. is forced to start a GoFundMe page to raise money for Todd’s surgery, after discovering the pup was born with severe hip dysplasia, and soon will not even be able to walk. While C.J. hasn’t asked Justin “I made $56 million in 2016” Bieber for any money... the Biebs hasn’t offered any, either. Have we mentioned that this is at least the FOURTH pet Justin has abandoned, including a monkey, a hamster, and a snake? When reached for comment, the abandoned snake said, “I still don’t understand what happened. We had so much in common!”


FRIDAY, JANUARY 6

As much as we wished we lived in world where we’d never have to type the name “Mariah Carey” again... this is not that world. Careygate blew up again today, thanks to the Daily Mail’s revelation that a week before her “performance” on New Year’s Eve, Carey and her entourage did some shopping... in Colorado... annnd can you see where this is going? “It was not presents for her two young children Mariah seemed to be after,” the Daily Mail dished. “The 47-year-old pop star and her entourage [were] spotted heading into a marijuana dispensary in the Colorado resort town of Aspen.” Huh! So maybe it wasn’t sabotage? Maybe Carey was just stoned out of her mind? Eh, who cares. No one! No one cares! THIS JUST IN... Jenny McCarthy cares! The former Playboy model, former TV host, and current anti-vaxxer has found a new and equally moronic cause: Shit-talking Mariah Carey! Because sure, why not, we guess? “It’s completely unfair and bullshit for [Mariah] to blame Dick Clark Productions,” ranted McCarthy on Sirius XM. “I mean, her voice is not there anymore. I don’t think there’s a problem with her inner ears. I just don’t. I think that she used it as an excuse.” And thus, dears, is the beginning—and hopefully the end—of the lamest feud in celebrity history. And now, in the hopes we’ll forget all about it, we’re going to a dispensary! Hubby Kip! We need some cash! A lot of it!


SATURDAY, JANUARY 7

And as much as we wished we lived in world where we’d never have to type the name “Donald Trump” again... this is not that world. Out of all Trump’s bewildering, racist, and untenable campaign promises, right at the top was his insane claim that he would build a wall between the United States and Mexico... and that Mexico would pay for it. Except, you know... maybe not so much? Today Trump told the New York Times that he doesn’t want to “wait that long” for Mexico to figure out the funding (which they won’t, because why would they). “But you start,” Trump insisted, “and then you get reimbursed.” On the upside, even Trump’s spineless Republican backers wish that their fuhrer would squeeze shut his anus-like mouth whenever he talks about his stupid wall. “Republicans have balked at increases in domestic spending during the Obama administration,” the Times notes, “and are unlikely to enthusiastically rally behind a proposal that could require billions of taxpayer dollars.” Billions of taxpayer dollars that will totally get reimbursed—right, Donald? Right? Urk–gughSHUDDER. Whoa! Sorry, dears! We just had a seizure because our eyes rolled so hard. Hubby Kip! Bring us that bag from the dispensary!


SUNDAY, JANUARY 8

“Being your first lady has been the greatest honor of my life,” Michelle Obama said today in her final public address as First Lady. “And I hope I’ve made you proud.” Fighting back tears, one of the greatest First Ladies America has ever had said more, too... some of it rather pointed. “Our glorious diversity—our diversities of faiths, and colors, and creeds—that is not a threat to who we are,” she said. “It makes us who we are.” Oh, and: “To the young people here and the young people out there: Do not ever let anybody make you feel like you don’t matter or like you don’t have a place in our American story, because you do. And you have a right to be exactly who you are.” Dears, Michelle Obama is just the best, and we are going to miss her very, very much. Her speech just isn’t going to be the same when Melania Trump gives it next week.