PARIS JACKSON "Vengeance shall be MIIIIIIINE!!" Getty / Frazer Harrison

MONDAY, JANUARY 23

Sweet Jesus Christ, this week! WHERE TO BEGIN?! Well, we suppose we should begin by welcoming you back to One Day at a Time, where we gab about juicy gossip and also sometimes the American apocalypse. Let’s start out with the gossip... like the news that Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris is (wait for it...) hunting down her father’s killers! The King of Pop’s 18-year-old daughter has given a whopper of an interview to Rolling Stone, and among the many “shocking revelations” was her insistence her father was murdered. “He would drop hints about people being out to get him,” Paris remembered. “And at some point, he was like, ‘They’re gonna kill me one day.’ It sounds like a total conspiracy theory, and it sounds like bullshit, but all real fans and everybody in the family knows it. It was a setup.” “She’ll get justice—one day,” Rolling Stone promised, before quoting Paris as she casually considered the nature of revenge: “It’s a chess game,” Paris said. “And I am trying to play the chess game the right way. And that’s all I can say about that right now.” IN RELATED NEWS... Paris, it’s been way too long since we had a legitimately insane Jackson in One Day, and we’re delighted to have you! Please keep us in the loop re: your vengeance.


TUESDAY, JANUARY 24

Yesterday Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, filed paperwork with the federal government declaring that the day of his inauguration, January 20, 2017, “would officially be known as the ‘National Day of Patriotic Devotion,’” reports the Washington Post, proving, yet again, that America’s inept dipshit of a president is basically a power-crazed third-world despot. On the upside, dears, we can interpret “patriotic devotion” however we damn well please—and we’re interpreting it as “doing whatever we can to get Trump out of office.” Don’t mind if we do.


WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25

This week is about to get insane, dears, so before it does... a quick reminder that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer really, really hates Dippin’ Dots, the tasty treat that has long proclaimed itself the “ice cream of the future.” “Dippin’ dots is NOT the ice cream of the future,” Spicer furiously tweeted in 2010, adding, in 2011, “I think I have said this before but Dippin Dots are notthe [sic] ice cream of the future.” Later that year, Spicer gleefully posted a Wall Street Journal story about Dippin’ Dots filing for bankruptcy, and according to Us, “In September 2015, the political strategist still had Dippin’ Dots on his mind as he angrily tweeted at the Washington Nationals’ home stadium, Nationals Park, for running out of his go-to flavor of the frozen treat.” (“If Dippin Dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla cc @Nationals,” Spicer fumed.) And THEN, this week in an interview with the New York Times—during which he actually “ate soft-serve ice cream from a cup branded with the presidential seal”—Spicer went off about Dippin’ Dots again. “It’s a joke,” he told the national paper of record. “How long can they be ‘the ice cream of the future’? You can’t actually be the future forever.” We mention all of this, dears, not to normalize or trivialize Spicer, because make no mistake: Spicer is a craven liar who kneels to fascists and sabotages America’s free press. Unlike starry-eyed, goose-stepping, Trump-petting Jimmy Fallon, we will never normalize a reality that is not normal. No—we mention this truly insipid Dippin’ Dots business to point out that Spicer is an idiot of the highest order, and his one-sided “feud” with Dippin’ Dots represents a bewildered and infantile man-child’s moronic view of the world. Keep this in mind, dears, as this week continues: Yes, the idiots are in charge. But idiots are easy to outsmart. Just distract them with Dippin’ Dots.


THURSDAY, JANUARY 26

Today Donald Trump’s senior counselor Steve Bannon personally called the New York Times just to let them know how much he HATED them. Quick reminder: Bannon is the walking bag of shit who co-authored the cheery “American carnage” inauguration speech, and is also a former executive chair of Breitbart News who published such charming articles as “Bill Kristol: Republican Spoiler, Renegade Jew” and “Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy.” This is probably why Bannon called the New York Times to say that “the media should shut its mouth”—because he is obsessed with what he failed at doing. “I want you to quote this,” Bannon squealed at NYT. “The media is the opposition party. They still do not understand why Donald Trump [who, btw, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—Ann] is the president of the United States. That’s why you have no power. You were humiliated.” Is it just us, or are these the ravings of an insecure boy who was dumped by his girlfriend in the 10th grade? Anyway, the majority of the mainstream press had a good laugh over his stupid request to “shut our mouths,” while one reporter took it a step further. “Steve Bannon said media needs to keep its mouth shut,” wrote journalist Yashar Ali on Twitter. “I’ve published Bannon’s entire divorce file instead.” (Read it at theopporeport.com—it ain’t pretty.) But yes! By all means, keep telling us to “shut up,” Mr. Bannon. It seems to be working out so well for you.


FRIDAY, JANUARY 27

Speaking of Steve Bannon wanting us to shut up, President Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—have we mentioned that?) presented a statement on International Holocaust Remembrance Day that didn’t mention the attempted extermination of Jewish people. Wonder who that was written by? (*cough* Steve Bannon *cough*) Also today, Trump gave a certain someone a very important and coveted seat on the National Security Council (usually reserved for generals and not inexperienced prickly crybabies) to help direct day-to-day foreign policy. Wow, who’s the lucky guy? (*cough* Steve Bannon *cough*) And on this very same day, Trump dropped another executive order, this time banning refugees and citizens from seven primarily Muslim countries from America. Ick. Wonder who gave him that terrible, racist idea? (*cough* Steve Bannon *cough*) It kind of makes one wonder if perhaps there’s someone even worse than Donald Trump? (*COUGH* ... you guys, I’m really tired of coughing. Steve Bannon is a dick.)


SATURDAY, JANUARY 28

Apparently much of America violently disagrees with Trump and puppeteer Steve Bannon’s decision to enact yesterday’s Muslim Ban, because the shit... has hit... THE FAN. Tens of thousands of people took to the nation’s airports today and Sunday to voice their extreme distaste over the president’s wildly racist and hateful executive action, which led to the detainment of scores of refugees (and some green-card carrying citizens) who had the bad luck of flying on the first day of the rule being enforced. While attempts from leading Democrats to help the situation were largely ineffective, the American Civil Liberties Union came riding to the rescue. After the ACLU were granted an emergency hearing, a federal judge agreed and put a temporary stop on the deportation of these detained refugees. (Sigh! Move over, George Clooney... Ann Romano has a new crush! Confidential to the ACLU: Call us. We’re free this Friday.) MEANWHILE... Has any company in America shot themselves in the foot more often and with more accuracy than Uber? The company, who has a terrible reputation for bucking local regulations, deceiving drivers about earnings, AND supporting Trump’s agenda, stepped in it tonight by sending drivers to New York’s JFK airport in order to profit off a taxi cab strike that was protesting the president’s anti-immigrant rule. To that, America said OH HELL NO, with thousands of customers immediately deleting the Uber app and their personal accounts. Because fuck those fucking assholes. (BTW, in case you still need a ride, Lyft is donating $1 million to our new boyfriends, the ACLU. Waitasecond... STOP TRYING TO STEAL OUR MAN, LYFT!!)


SUNDAY, JANUARY 29

Because you should probably know... from the Washington Post: “Jihadist groups on Sunday celebrated the Trump administration’s ban on travel from seven Muslim-majority countries, saying the new policy validates their claim that the United States is at war with Islam.” In short, Bannon (and Trump’s) extremist, racist views will almost undoubtedly lead to more terrorism and the deaths of untold numbers of innocents. So yeah, Trump voters, thanks a pantload for that. BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS... During a celebrity hockey game this weekend, loathed punk Justin Bieber had his smug face smashed into the glass by 6’ 6”, 220-pound former NHL player Chris Pronger! So you see? There is hope for a better tomorrow.