MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Hello, dears! The internet quickly forgot about the best picture screw-up at Sundayâs Academy Awards after watching a video of attendee Nicole Kidmanâs inability to clap like a person who knows how to clap. One Twitter user correctly noted that she clapped like the Grinch. Personally, we love her clappingâthatâs what we do in the bathtub after our second martini while plotting our column for the week. MEANWHILE... Speaking of scheming, Russia seems to be concocting a dastardly plot to take advantage of President Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) and his ineffectual leadership of the United States. âRussia has continued to test the United States on the military front, with fighter jets flying close to an American warship in the Black Sea this month and a Russian naval vessel steaming conspicuously in the Atlantic off the coast of Delaware,â writes the New York Times. Well, thatâs not concerning in the slightest, RIGHT? But the kicker was a close-up satellite picture of Nicole Kidman on the deck of the steaming Russian naval vessel, ever so slowly clapping her hands in glee. (Brrrr.)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Attention, students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as well as nerds: Californiaâs Universal Studios is preparing to open their new Harry Potter ride, which unfortunately is causing Hollyweird to upchuck their collective butterbeers. According to TMZ, early ride testers are vomiting everywhere while the park tries to figure out the problem. So if you go, expecto puketronom! (Sorry, dearsâHubby Kip put us up to that.) MEANWHILE... On that barf-inducing note, today Trump decided to put on his big-boy pants and pretend to be the actual president of the United States. Shockingly, he delivered a congressional address that sounded somewhat saneâbut as the New York Times asked, âWhy the sudden shift? Numbers. Mr. Trumpâs approval rating is the worst for any new president in recorded history. But on Tuesday, the president rolled the dice, and went for nice. In style, if not substance, Mr. Trump delivered an address that nearly any of his Republican primary opponentsâwhom he once savaged as establishment stoogesâmight have delivered had they been standing at the rostrum.â But donât worry: Trump is still a hypocrite racist misogynist who touched on plans to build a popsicle-stick wall between the US and Mexico, was extremely vague about all things policy, and said the time for âtrivial fightsâ was over (HAHAHA, we couldnât hear the rest of the speech over our own hysterical laughter). Meanwhile, Oregon Representative Earl Blumenauer responded like a champ with a statement that simply read, âResist.â
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1
More hot goss has been dribbling out about the embarrassing best picture presentation at the Oscars. PricewaterhouseCoopersâ accountant Brian Cullinan epically failed in his duties when handing presenter Warren Beatty the wrong envelope, which contained the best actress announcement instead of the best picture winner. In what appeared to be a senior moment, Beatty hesitated, handing the envelope to co-presenter Faye Dunaway, who announced that La La Land won. (As we all now know, Moonlight was the actual winner. Ooopsy.) This ginormous gaffe took place as Cullinan was busy backstage tweeting a fanboy picture of best actress winner Emma Stone, according to Variety. We still donât get how Cullinan handed over the wrong envelope, but in his defense... EMMA STONE, amirite? MEANWHILE... Warren Beattyâs older sister, Shirley MacLaine, also expressed feelings about the Oscar flub. âI think weâre all processing the horror of it. Iâm still dealing with it,â she told USA Today. âIâm basically a mystic. And Iâm wondering what was that all about?â Ummm... Shirley? Allow us to part the mists of the afterworld to clear up this mystery for you. EMMA... STONE.
THURSDAY, MARCH 2
You know how they say thereâs no such thing as bad publicity? They apparently havenât seen White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in action. This week he tweeted that Donald Trumpânot Ben Carsonâwas the new secretary of housing and urban development. (Maybe Spicer got the wrong envelope?) This blunder was followed by leaked pictures of Spicer during his days with the George W. Bush administration, in which he was dressed as... the Easter Bunny. Sporting mountains of purple eyeshadow and a vest with no pants, Spicer presided over the annual Easter event on the White House lawnâbut instead of eggs, delivered night terrors to every child across the nation. (Hippity-hoppity, HORRORâs on its way.) MEANWHILE... Press Secretary Spicer had his work cut out for him when it was revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions lied under oath during his confirmation hearing. According to the Washington Post, Sessions âspoke twice last year with Russiaâs ambassador to the United States, Justice Department officials said, encounters he did not disclose when asked about possible contacts between members of President Trumpâs campaign and representatives of Moscow during Sessionsâ confirmation hearing to become attorney general.â So now we have a new attorney general whoâs a liar, liar, pants on fire and a press secretary who dresses up like a pantsless rabbit. As Grandma used to say: âGod bless this mess.â
FRIDAY, MARCH 3
Oh, Alabama, youâre such a scamp! First you gave us our lying new attorney general, Jeff Sessions, and now an Alabama movie theater has a problem with Disneyâs new live-action adaptation of the 1991 cartoon classic Beauty and the Beast. According to the New York Times, âA drive-in movie theater in rural northeastern Alabama said that it would not show Disneyâs new version of Beauty and the Beast because it has a gay character. âWe will not compromise on what the Bible teaches,â the Henagar Drive-In said in a Facebook post Thursday night.â So the folks at the Henagar Drive-In are cool with bestiality, kidnapping, and most insidious of all, singing kitchenware, but not tenderness between two men? Who do they think watches Disney movies at their drive-in? MEANWHILE... BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, excuse usâweâre still laughing about Trumpâs pledge to avoid âtrivial fights.â His newest not âtrivial fightâ is with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who took over Trumpâs role on Celebrity Apprentice and is now leaving the reality show. Arnold told Empire magazine, âWith Trump being involved in the show, people have a bad taste and donât want to participate as a spectator or as a sponsor or in any other way support the show.â Trump tweeted back, âArnold Schwarzenegger isnât voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.â Nope! Nothing trivial happening here.
SATURDAY, MARCH 4
As you may recall from every Donald Trump tweet ever, heâs not much of a speller. He also canât wrap his head around history. Heâs now alleging that former President Obama wiretapped Trump Tower. âHow low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process,â Trump tweeted like an illiterate labradoodle. âThis is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!â In response, New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof wisely tweeted, âJournalists know: When leaders go berserk, furiously denying thereâs anything going on, blaming othersâthatâs when youâre getting close.â MEANWHILE... In troubled times, a hero will rise to save us all. âSir Patrick Stewart has generated a considerable amount of money at the American box office, and now he will be applying for citizenship there in order to âfight, fight, oppose, opposeâ President Trump,â writes the Independent. âMake it so!â Hubby Kip squealed from his 36-hour haze of video games and potato chips on the couch. :(
SUNDAY, MARCH 5
Because real-life superhero Sir Patrick Stewart isnât on the case just yet, the White House is calling for an investigation into Trumpâs claim that the Obama administration wiretapped his disgusting gold commode in Trump Tower. Press secretary/scary Easter Bunny Sean Spicer said, âPresident Donald J. Trump is requesting that as part of their investigation into Russian activity, the congressional intelligence committees exercise their oversight authority to determine whether executive branch investigative powers were abused in 2016.â Once everyone got done laughing about Spicerâs Easter Bunny past, they all sighed and waited for Patrick Stewart to get his US citizenship. MEANWHILE... In Alabama... errrrr, Russia... the culture minister was upset that there might be a gay character in the new Beauty and the Beast film. According to the BBC, âRussian officials are coming under pressure to check if Disneyâs new film... breaches the countryâs law against âgay propaganda.â Culture Minister Vladimir Medinsky said action would be taken after the checks, while an MP described the film as âshameless propaganda of sin.ââ Talking candlestick LumiĂšre shot back via Twitter, writing, âHey Russia, I donât come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth!â Russia has yet to respond.