MONDAY, APRIL 10

“We’ve got essentially two and a half weeks to turn everything around,” a White House staffer tells Politico, referring to the fact that Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, is nearing his 100th day in office—a time when pundits weigh an administration’s early accomplishments! Or, in this case, a lack of accomplishments, due to the fact that Trump’s White House is a shit-smeared clusterfuck. “[Trump’s presidency] has been marred by legislative stumbles, legal setbacks, senior staff kneecapping one another, the resignation of his national security adviser, and near-daily headlines and headaches about links to Russia,” notes Politico, adding that last week, a “tense planning session” took place in the White House in an attempt to make the administration even remotely presentable. Staffers were given “whiteboards, markers, and giant butcher-block-type paper to brainstorm lists of early successes,” according to a source—with one group even getting down on their hands and knees to work on their little arts-and-crafts project in the hallway. “It made me feel like I was back in fifth grade,” a White House aide admitted. The result of this desperate brainstorming sesh? Well... nothing—possibly because Trump’s communication director Mike Dubke told participants that Trump lacks a coherent foreign policy and “There is no Trump doctrine.” And you thought George W. Bush’s art projects were bad. IN RELATED NEWS... Dear god, it’s only been 100 days? It feels like 100 years. We looked in the mirror this morning and saw a bitter, furious crone glaring back at us—her skin like the cracked earth of a sunbaked desert, her eyes clouded and dull, her hair stringy and slack. This is what 100 days has done to us, dears! After 1,360 more, we’re just going to be a skeleton at a keyboard. Maybe because of stress, maybe because of nuclear war. Who knows!

TUESDAY, APRIL 11

As we wrote last week, United Airlines recently decided a passenger who’d purchased a coach ticket shouldn’t get to use it—and when he refused to give up his seat, three Chicago Department of Aviation security officers forcibly removed him by beating him bloody, knocking him unconscious, and dragging his limp body off the plane. As Helaine Olen points out in the New York Times, United’s brutal treatment is indicative of several factors—from “the increased militarization of American life, with authorities reacting to common disputes in increasingly aggressive ways” to the country’s widening economic gap. “The airlines are seemingly forever coming up with new and innovative ways to coddle an increasingly small group,” Olen writes, “while treating the majority of fliers with greater and greater contempt.” On the upside, at least United will be extra careful for the next few days, right? Oh. Wait. “SCORPION STINGS MAN ON UNITED FLIGHT TO CALGARY,” according to NBC News! “A creature that appeared to be a scorpion fell from an overhead bin and stung a man on a United Airlines flight,” NBC continued. “Look, the media is blowing this waaaay out of proportion,” United CEO Oscar Munoz told reporters. “Besides, that scorpion paid extra for United’s deluxe ‘Premium Cabin’ option, which grants him extra legroom, one free checked bag, priority boarding, and the right to sting the shit out of whatever poor person is sitting beneath him.”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 12

Okay, deep breath, dears. We’re going to quote the Washington Post, and you know that’s never pretty. “In criticizing Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s alleged use of chemical weapons, White House press secretary Sean Spicer said Tuesday that even Adolf Hitler did not sink to that level of warfare, despite Hitler’s use of gas chambers to kill millions of Jews,” the Post writes. And, incredibly, it gets worse. “When given the chance to clarify his comment—uttered during Passover, the most celebrated Jewish holiday in the United States—Spicer then said Hitler took Jews ‘into the Holocaust center’ but that Hitler ‘was not using the gas on his own people in the same way that Assad is doing.’” IN RELATED NEWS... Hey, White House reporters! Maybe you can start smuggling scorpions into press briefings? You’ll know what to do with them.

THURSDAY, APRIL 13

According to words actually burbling out of Trump’s mouth, his love affair with senior advisor/white nationalist blogger Steve Bannon seems to be souring. “I like Steve,” Trump told the New York Post’s Michael Goodwin when asked if Bannon still had the president’s confidence. “But you have to remember he was not involved in my campaign until very late....” Many outlets have reported the ongoing feud between Bannon and son-in-law Jared “Ugh... JARED” Kushner, and it doesn’t take a psychic to see which way Trump is leaning. “Steve is a good guy,” Trump mistakenly said, “but I told them to straighten it out or I will.” This is the America in which we now reside—where we’re forced to root for a pasty-faced, inexperienced, Dockers-wearing frat boy over an evil, pockmarked pustule residing on a goat’s anal gland. (Dear god, how did we get here?) MEANWHILE... Today the US dropped a MOAB—AKA the “mother of all bombs” and America’s largest and most powerful non-nuclear weapon—on an ISIS cave hideout in Afghanistan... and it’s fairly possible that President Trump had no idea what the military was doing. He certainly didn’t give the go-ahead for a MOAB. “We have given [the military] total authorization,” Trump told reporters following the bombing, “and frankly, that’s why they’ve been so successful lately.” Mmmmmmm... really? Because on Tuesday a US-led airstrike in Syria accidentally killed 18 Syrian military allies, not to mention the earlier bombings, which have murdered scores of civilians and inspired Airwars—a bomb-tracking research group—to declare March the most deadly month for civilians in the organization’s history. By the way, isn’t it the president’s job to directly oversee and take responsibility for what our military is doing? And another thi... oh. Sorry, we just got shushed by Trump, who’s trying to sink a 19-foot putt on the 16th hole at Mar-a-Lago. We can chat about it later.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14

Well, here’s some news that isn’t concerning at all: According to NBC News, the US is prepared to launch a preemptive strike against North Korea if the country follows through on a promised nuclear weapons test that will probably go down this weekend, which will surely lead to all-out war, thereby ruining all Easter festivities including a planned brunch we had with Hubby Kip’s cousin Sylvia and her four terrible children. Actually, maybe war isn’t all bad? What are we saying?!? WAR IS SO BAD! In fact, people are preparing for their quick and painful deaths by drawing their loved ones near... which is particularly hot in the case of Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx! (Take note: That last sentence will go down in history as our best segue ever.) According to Us Weekly, the alleged three-year clandestine romance between Katie and Jamie is just about to go public! According to a snoopy source, “Katie is tired of playing the hiding game,” which includes taking “secret back elevators” and riding in “cars with tinted windows.” So in the very near future, expect to see these two hotties “going out to dinner more” and possibly taking a “trip to Europe.” Or, you know... having their beautiful skin melted off before dying in a fiery nuclear apocalypse. Our point is this: Hurry up and masturbate!

SATURDAY, APRIL 15

Okay, everybody! Calm the eff down. The nuclear holocaust due to start today between two psychotic world leaders has been temporarily postponed. (Seriously, the way you panic over these non-events is embarrassing!) Instead of a promised nuclear test, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un decided to show the world his military prowess by launching a ballistic missile—which blew up almost immediately. (Insert sad trombone sound here.) But SHHHHH! Don’t you dare tell Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx! We want them to have sex and babies.

SUNDAY, APRIL 16

“The election is over!” tweeted President Trump on a day when most presidents have said things like... oh, we don’t know... “Happy Easter.” Turns out Trump was FAH-URIOUS about yesterday’s nationwide Tax March, in which thousands demanded the president release his probably cheated-on taxes. “I did what was an almost an [sic] impossible thing to do for a Republican,” the president scream-tweeted. “Easily won the Electoral College! Now Tax Returns are brought up again?” Then, no more than six minutes later... “Someone should look into who paid for the small organized rallies yesterday. The election is over!” MEANWHILE... When contacted for comment, Jesus Christ sadly shook his head, saying, “For this I rose again? I’m going back to bed.”