THE PLANET EARTH Feh, it was overrated anyway. Malekas85 / GETTY

MONDAY, MAY 8

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we’d love to be gabbing about gossip, but the end of the world keeps distracting us! UGH. Soooo... how’s the world ending today, you ask? Oh, y’know, the usual: Total environmental devastation, overseen by a spineless group of craven capitalists. Today Scott Pruitt—who doesn’t believe in climate change, yet was given the Environmental Protection Agency by Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes—decided “not to renew the terms of nine of the 18-member board of scientific counselors, which advises the EPA on the quality and accuracy of the science it produces,” reports the Guardian. “The committee has been eviscerated,” the EPA board’s chair, Deborah Swackhamer, told the Guardian. “We assumed these people would be renewed and there was no reason or indication they wouldn’t be. These people aren’t Obama appointees, they are scientific appointees.” Pruitt’s decision, the Guardian adds, paves the way for the Trump administration “to refashion the scientific board in line with its industry-friendly agenda that has sought to strip away various pollution rules.” IN RELATED NEWS... Okay, so if we’re all going to be living in Mad Max: Fury Road, we call dibs on being Furiosa! We can totes pull off that look! Oh, and we’re currently taking applications for whoever wants to be our Mad Max. Interested parties should send their sultriest pics (shirts optional), and include a list of ways to make martinis despite the various... challenges of surviving Future Earth’s desiccated hellscape.


TUESDAY, MAY 9

Now let’s take a moment to remember Earth’s wondrous past, when a single crisis could last weeks, months, or even years! In Trump’s America, of course, crises happen every hour on the hour... which means it’s juuuust about time for—ah! Right on time! “‘You are hereby terminated,’” the BBC writes. “With those words, Donald Trump became only the second president to fire his FBI director.” Yes, dears: Today, Trump fired James B. Comey—and, as the BBC notes, he had a slew of reasons why... and none made any sense. Trump initially blamed Comey for his poor handling of Hillary Clinton’s private emails (which doesn’t make sense, given that Comey’s investigation cost her the election). Then he said it was because Comey was doing a bad job (which doesn’t make sense, considering acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe told the Senate the “vast majority” of FBI employees “enjoyed a deep and positive connection to Director Comey”). There’s also the suggestion Trump was jealous of Comey (“‘He’s become more famous than me!’ Mr. Trump said of Mr. Comey at a January meeting, sending an air-kiss his way,” the BBC points out), or the fact numerous sources have claimed Comey refused to promise Trump his “loyalty”—which, as the BBC adds, is “one of Mr. Trump’s most prized qualities.” So! What is the answer? Why would Trump ever do something as drastic as fire—oh. Oh, there it is.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 10

“Days before he was fired as FBI director, James B. Comey asked the Justice Department for more prosecutors and other personnel to accelerate the bureau’s investigation into Russia’s interference in the presidential election,” reports the New York Times. Oh. Okay. That makes sense. Let’s move on....


THURSDAY, MAY 11

...to White House PANIC MODE! So not only did President Trump’s sudden decision to impede the Russia investigation fire FBI Director Comey shock the nation, it also threw his staff into confused turmoil. Soon after the announcement, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was spotted hiding behind some bushes to confer in private with co-workers. (He later made the Washington Post clarify their reporting, insisting he was not “in” the bushes, but rather among the bushes.” Ahhhhh. Gotcha.) Meanwhile, counselor Kellyanne Conway told CNN that Comey’s firing had nothing to do with Clinton’s emails, but rather his performance since then—and positively not because of the “Russia, Russia, Russia” thing. AND YET? Fast forward to Trump’s interview today with NBC News in which he said that it was his idea all along to fire Comey, and “in fact, when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, ‘You know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it’s an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should’ve won.’” That sound you hear are the jaws of Trump’s stunned staff members crashing to the floor. The second sound you hear is the crushing of bones as Trump’s staff is being thrown underneath the bus. So all in all? Pretty good day!


FRIDAY, MAY 12

So. President Trump admits, as clearly as possible, that among other reasons, FBI Director Comey was fired because he didn’t appreciate being investigated over his alleged ties to Russia. But there was the loyalty concern as well. According to the Washington Post, Trump was growing increasingly agitated with Comey for refusing to make the FBI investigation go away or back up Trump’s utterly false claim that former President Obama had wiretapped his campaign offices. Comey also reportedly prioritized the Trump/Russia investigation instead of looking into the various White House info leaks, which made the president FAH-UR-IOUS. And perhaps most damning of all, Comey refused to give his loyalty to Trump when asked directly by the president during a dinner conversation. THAT BEING SAID... Today Trump chose to make his terrible situation even more terrible by tweeting out the following: “James Comey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” Wait... he has tapes? Secret tapes of all his Oval Office conversations, which naturally reminds us of a certain president who, after his tapes were exposed, resigned in disgrace? Those kind of secret tapes? “That I can’t talk about. I won’t talk about it,” Trump sputtered to Fox News after his stupid, junior varsity gaffe. Uh-huh. Anyway, another pretty good day! IN RELATED NEWS... Will the firing of Comey be the straw that broke the Senate’s back, and inspire them to start impeachment proceedings? Wellllll... probably not. So what will be the one thing that Trump does to push America over the edge? How about this from Trump’s interview with Time magazine, in which he admits that during dinners with White House staff, he gets two scoops of ice cream with his chocolate cream pie... while everyone else at the table only gets one. IMPEACH! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!


SATURDAY, MAY 13

Can we please stop talking about all this political nonsense for two seconds, so we can get a quick dose of “horny”? YES, PLEASE. Oh-so-juicy rumors have been flying over the alleged unconfirmed romantic relationship between Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx—a pairing that has inspired more than one marathon masturbation sesh. And now we have further proof of the pair’s canoodling! Katie and Jamie were recently spotted together in the city of love—Paris, France! OH DO TELL, INSIDE SOURCE! “Jamie wrapped filming on Robin Hood, and Katie flew in to Paris to meet him for a few days,” the source told E! News. But wait... it gets even hotter! “[Former hubby] Tom Cruise was filming Mission Impossible 6 only a few blocks away,” the source maliciously continued, “but Katie and Jamie stayed inside their hotel... and didn’t leave.” Phew! Is it getting hot in here, or is that just the fire in our nethers? Be back in a jiff!


SUNDAY, MAY 14

Ahhhh, that’s better. Back to politics, we guess. So! How do you think Russian President Vladimir Putin is feeling about the current Comey drama? According to several experts in the national security field, pretty freaking awesome, dude! While Russia may have started out hoping to obtain Trump as an asset and push him into office with some electoral meddling, the real payday for them is successfully advancing its “longstanding desire to undermine the US-led liberal democratic order,” according to a declassified report written by our own spy agencies. And now that Comey has been fired and the Trump/Russia investigation is stalling, “[Putin feels] pretty good overall because that’s a further sign that our political system is in a real crisis,” says former top State Department official and Russian expert, Eugene Rumer. Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper Jr. went even further, saying, “The Russians have to be celebrating [their] success.... The first objective was to sow discord and dissension, which they certainly did.” And this is exactly why Trump and his stooges must be held accountable for their actions, because if Russia can cause a shit-storm within the bedrock of American democracy... just think of the damage they could cause between Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes. And such an assault on our horniness shall... not... stand!