MONDAY, JULY 3

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where, every week, we have a lot of fun thanks to the dumbass ineptitude of Donald Trump and his dipshit cronies. So—y’know, just to switch things up for a quick minute—let’s give a shout out to Trump’s single dipshit crony who’s really good at his job! We speak, of course, of Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt. “In the four months since he took office... Pruitt has moved to undo, delay, or otherwise block more than 30 environmental rules, a regulatory rollback larger in scope than any other over so short a time in the agency’s 47-year history,” warns the New York Times. “Just the number of environmental rollbacks in this time frame is astounding,” Harvard environmental law professor Richard Lazarus tells the Times. “He is much more organized, much more focused than the other cabinet-level officials, who have not really taken charge of their agencies.” Pruitt’s tactics—which boil down to ignoring EPA scientists and doing whatever oil, coal, and hazardous chemical lobbyists tell him to do—are terrifyingly effective... so while Trump flounders, Pruitt’s EPA has become exactly the kind of worst-case horror show everyone got scared of when Trump pratfalled his way into the White House. IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS... We’d like to ever-so-casually mention, dears, that the National Resources Defense Council does excellent work—using legal, financial, and advocacy strategies to do... well, to do what the EPA should be doing. We’ll also nonchalantly point out that you can learn more and donate at nrdc.org, and there’s no reason at all we feel urgently compelled to encourage you to do so. No. Reason. At. All. MEANWHILE... “But Ann,” you cry, “sure, Scott Pruitt will burn the Earth into a rotting death-ball of noxious ruin—but don’t you have any good news?” Um... sure. Sure we do! Here! “Beyoncé and Jay-Z appear to have named their new twins,” according to the Guardian! “The couple have reportedly registered in the US to trademark ‘Rumi Carter’ and ‘Sir Carter’—as they did regarding their five-year-old daughter, Blue Ivy.” As loyal readers of One Day at a Time will know, this contradicts earlier rumors that Blue Ivy had helped Beyoncé name the twins Shawn and Bea, and thus is quite surpris—THIS JUST IN! “Ivy?” screeched Scott Pruitt, a vicious gleam in his eye as he reached for a dusty barrel of Agent Orange. “Did I hear the word ‘ivy’?” RUN, IVY! RUN!

TUESDAY, JULY 4

So we’ll admit we’ve never been the biggest fan of the Fourth of July—mostly because Hubby Kip inevitably drives to Washington to get “the good fireworks,” at which point Hubby Kip inevitably decides to “set ’em off in the driveway so everybody can enjoy ’em,” at which point Hubby Kip is inevitably wearing nothing but his star-spangled Speedo, at which point we inevitably end up driving him to the E.R., where doctors inevitably have to look at third-degree burns where there should never be third-degree burns. Anyways! Before that starts, let’s check in with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—who, last Friday, closed all of New Jersey’s public beaches due to a budget impasse... and today took himself and his family to one of those beaches, which they had all to themselves! Truly, nothing says “Happy birthday, America!” like a corrupt simpleton who’s seized control of a public institution and exploits it for personal gain while shoving aside the very people who... who.... Oh, goddammit. The screams from the driveway have started. Back in a sec!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 5

“Every month our penguin keepers tell the world about our naughtiest and best behaved penguins!” wrote the National Aquarium of New Zealand on Facebook this week, posting a picture of a sign declaring “Timmy” as the naughty penguin of the month (his crimes: he “stole fish” and “pushed another penguin over”), and “Betty” as the good penguin of the month (her virtues: she’s a “good swimmer” who “waited patiently for fish”). And so, dears, we’ve decided: From here on out, the only gossip and news in One Day at a Time will be penguin-related! Get ready, everybody! This column is about to get a whole lot cuter!

From here on out, the only gossip and news in One Day at a Time will be penguin-related! Get ready, everybody! This column is about to get a whole lot cuter!

THURSDAY, JULY 6

Soooo... turns out penguins don’t really do all that much? So until devil-may-care Timmy pushes over that insufferable goody two-shoes Betty again, we suppose we’re stuck writing about people... and people are, predictably, terrible. “The arts-and-crafts retailer Hobby Lobby has agreed to pay a $3 million fine for illegally importing thousands of ancient Iraqi clay artifacts smuggled into the United States,” reports the Washington Post, noting that the Bible-thumping, birth-control-hating zealots behind the Christian crafts chain bought “more than 5,500 artifacts that originated in modern-day Iraq for $1.6 million in December 2010 from an unidentified dealer.” “While some may put a price on these artifacts, the people of Iraq consider them priceless,” said US Immigration and Customs Enforcement Special Agent Angel M. Melendez, apparently unmoved by Hobby Lobby’s inane excuse that smuggling “historically and religiously important books and artifacts about the Bible is consistent with the Company’s mission and passion for the Bible.” Huh. So you’re saying a company that’s obsessed with an ancient fairy tale isn’t exactly tuned in to the complexities of the world in 2017? Weird. So weird.

FRIDAY, JULY 7

TGIF, dears! As much as we love the end of the work week, today isn’t all martinis and unicorns—first, there’s some bad news on the Trump administration-meets-ethics front (an oxymoron, we know). “Walter M. Shaub Jr., the government’s top ethics watchdog, who has repeatedly gone head-to-head with the Trump administration over conflicts of interest, said on Thursday that he was calling it quits,” reports the New York Times. Well, that doesn’t sound good. “The vacancy is all but certain to frighten Democrats and those in the small world of government ethics who see the office under Mr. Shaub as an important political bulwark against conflicts of interest in the upper echelons of the government,” the Times correctly notes. Yep, we’re definitely shaking in our stylish (yet affordable!) shoes. MEANWHILE... Since penguins aren’t a hotbed of gossip, let’s turn our eye to a different animal... Rob Kardashian. The erstwhile sock designer has been losing his tiny mind on social media over his ex, Blac Chyna. The lesser Kardashian (who knew such a thing existed?) took to the internet to slut-shame and revenge-porn the mother of his child with apoplectic rants, nude pics, and gross tweets. According to Jezebel, Blac Chyna promptly responded with allegations of domestic abuse. “u beat me up and try act [like] it never happened... U put hand on me I swear on god!!!!! On my kids but I’m supposed to be quiet because you’re a Kardashian,” she posted on Snapchat. Brrr, it’s cold in here. Are we in the penguin exhibit? Because we nominate Rob Kardashian as the worst penguin of the week. May he be rewarded with frozen fish slaps to the face.

SATURDAY, JULY 8

Buckle up, hot goss fans, because Shia LaBeouf is up to his old tricks! LaBeef, who for all practical purposes is a very famous old-timey hobo, wound up in the clinker early this morning for acting like a very angry hobo in genteel Georgia! According to the Hollywood Reporter, “The 31-year-old actor was arrested around 4 am on Saturday on suspicion of obstruction, disorderly conduct, and public drunkenness... LaBeouf became irate after he was refused a cigarette by someone he approached.” Wait. LaBeef was spanging? MWAHAHAHAHA! “He became disorderly, using profanities and vulgar language in front of the women and children present,” police said in a statement. THINK OF THE CHILDREN, LaBEEF! “When the officer attempted to place LaBeouf under arrest, LaBeouf ran to a nearby hotel.” WHERE THEY FOUND HIM HUNCHED OVER A CAN OF BEANS ON HIS STERNO. The Hollywood Reporter finishes strong: “This is not the first time LaBeouf has been arrested for allegedly being drunk and disorderly in public. The Transformers actor was arrested in 2014 after he disrupted a Cabaret performance in New York.” WHERE HE WAS PANHANDLING FOR PLAYBILLS. Never change, Shia, never change—you’re a magical trashcan fire.

SUNDAY, JULY 9

Over the weekend, dumbass Trump and his dipshit cronies took a huge dump on the proceedings at the G20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany. But dealing with that halfwit numbskull makes us feel dirty, so let’s close out the week with this bit of scoopage... J.K. Rowling has a secret book! And she wrote it on her clothes! “Rowling, who famously wrote her first novel longhand in Edinburgh cafés, says that she scrawled the secret manuscript across her 50th birthday party dress. In a disclosure that will shock many diehard Harry Potter fans, the ‘book’ now hangs in her closet,” writes CNN. WHA?! But, but, but... why? “The theme of my 50th birthday... was come as your own private nightmare. And I went as a lost manuscript.” But, but, but... didn’t she just make her worst nightmare come true? And more importantly, how can we get our manicured hands on it?! We’d read anything written on a dress! (Especially if it includes a spell to vanquish the Orange One Who Must Not Be Named.)