SEAN SPICER Aaaaaand this is what happens when your job is lying for a sociopath. GETTY

MONDAY, JULY 17

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we have breaking news about R. Kelly’s sex cult! Because this is the world we live in, for better or mostly worse. “R. Kelly is holding women against their will in a ‘cult,’ parents told police,” writes BuzzFeed News, citing “former members of Kelly’s inner circle” who claim “six women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records.” Naturally, representatives of the R&B artist—who in 2008 was acquitted on multiple charges of making child pornography—denied the claims. “Welfare checks by police in both Illinois and Georgia in the past year didn’t lead to any charges,” BuzzFeed notes, but all the same: Let’s hope this story leads to further investigation. Let’s also hope this week gets less gross.


TUESDAY, JULY 18

We have an arrangement with Hubby Kip: He can watch as much Game of Thrones as he likes, so long as (A) he never makes us watch it with him, (B) he never tells us what it’s about, and (C) he never speaks of it at all. Now, we know many of you like Game of Thrones, and we know it’s supposed to be good, but... sometime around our fifth birthday we grew out of fairy tales about dragons and princesses. Sorry! (Not sorry!) ALAS... Today we had to learn about Game of Thrones—because obnoxious singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran showed up on this week’s episode, and it did not go well! “Ed Sheeran’s Game of Thrones cameo... prompted negative reaction on social media and from critics—which may or may not have prompted the music superstar to delete his Twitter account,” gabs Newsweek. “I think Ed did a lovely job—he’s a lovely actor and a lovely person,” said Jeremy Podeswa, the director of the episode “Dragonstone.” To which we say: “Dragonstone”? Really? “Dragonstone”? Oh, you sweet, sad little nerds. Well, enjoy your hobbit show about dragonstones and thin-skinned gingers! We now return to never caring about Game of Thrones again!


WEDNESDAY, JULY 19

While on the topic of dweebs, we also have an arrangement with Hubby Kip about Doctor Who: He can watch as much as he likes, so long as (A) he never makes us watch it with him, (B) never tries to tell us what it’s about, and (C) never speaks of it at all. Which worked fine, until... THIS JUST IN... “Annie! Annie!” Hubby Kip squealed, bounding up the stairs from his truly disgusting basement. “Annie, there’s a new Doctor, and it’s going to be a woman! I thought I was mad, but then I read this.” He then handed us his Cheeto-dusted iPhone, where he’d been reading a Lindy West piece in the New York Times about the new-and-improved Who. “In case you’re unfamiliar with the series, the Doctor is an alien from the planet Gallifrey who is hundreds of years old, has encyclopedic knowledge of the universe, can regenerate into a new body (any body) if wounded or killed, and travels through time fighting giant farting lizard babies, evil fire hydrants, and occasionally Satan,” writes West. “A slightly different waist-hip ratio, one would think, shouldn’t stretch the imagination too far.” But, West adds, the announcement that the Doctor will be played by Broadchurch’s Jodie Whittaker “has yielded a wave of spittle-flecked contempt from certain online communities.” Heavy sigh. Of course it has. Hey... wait! Did Lindy just trick us into caring about Doctor Who? “It’s important to see people like you onscreen,” West wrote of Whittaker’s casting, “but it’s just as important to see people who aren’t like you. Representation teaches us who we can be, but it also teaches other people who we are and how to treat us.” And with that, dears, we grudgingly announce: FINE. Once Jodie Whittaker starts? We’ll watch Doctor Who. And you’re all invited to watch with us—if only so Hubby Kip has someone else to talk to.


THURSDAY, JULY 20

Today in “Why are people so UNFAIR to Donald Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes?”: In yet another crazy admission, President Trump told the New York Times he would’ve never appointed Keebler elf Jeff Sessions had he known the Attorney General would recuse himself from the Russia investigation. “If he was going to recuse himself,” Trump said, “he should have told me before he took the job and I would have picked somebody else.” Because in addition to baking delicious cookies in a tree, Sessions is also a mind reader? Trump later added that Sessions’ recusal “was extremely unfair to the president.” (Psst. Not having someone in the administration who can bake Fudge Stripe cookies on demand is also unfair.) For his part, Sessions is desperately clinging to his job, telling reporters that despite Trump’s hissy fit/threat, he will continue in his job “as long as that is appropriate.” In other words, he may be cleaning out his desk by the time you’re reading this. (Hope he didn’t quit his cookie day job!)


FRIDAY, JULY 21

Terrified that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is looking into his personal and NOT AT ALL SHADY finances in connection to the Russia investigation, Trump appears to be in panic mode, desperately asking his lawyers if he can pardon staff, members of his family, and himself. IN A RELATED STORY... Hubby Kip has decided to pardon himself for giving us a Home Depot gift card for Christmas. We’re thinking, “Ummm, NO. How about an impeachment hearing instead?” MEANWHILE... Rest in peace, Sean “Spicey” Spicer, who, after being continually humiliated by President Trump, has resigned as White House Press Secretary. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the hiring of Wall Street bro Anthony Scaramucci, who shares the president’s talent for being woefully underqualified and a never-ending fount of bullshit. (We’ll be chatting a LOT about him in the weeks ahead.) According to Politico, Spicer had no idea Scaramucci was being considered for the job, and that, along with being blocked from meeting the Pope, blamed for Melissa McCarthy’s portrayal of him on SNL, and ridiculed for his famous “hiding behind the bushes” press briefing following the Comey firing, was more than he could take. The good news is that he will certainly have a career after this, and... oops, sorry... we were confused. Melissa McCarthy will certainly have a career after this.


SATURDAY, JULY 22

Speaking of wax dummies, the world-famous Madame Tussauds wax museum is under fire for daring to “whitewash” Beyoncé. According to the New York Times, the life-sized wax replica of Queen Bey mysteriously and temporarily disappeared from the floor of Madam Tussauds’ Manhattan location after the internet noticed the statue was a few shades lighter than the superstar’s actual skin tone. In fact, these critics were quick to point out that the statue looked less like Beyoncé and more like far whiter celebs including Julia Stiles, Lindsay Lohan, Taylor Swift, Kate Gosselin (from Kate Plus Eight), and even “Becky with the Good Hair.” And just like that, poof! The statue disappeared from the museum, and returned a day later with adjustments made to the “styling and lighting of her figure,” according to a press release from Tussauds. (And oh, she looks darker now, too.) Are you guys sure we need a Supreme Court? Because it seems like the internet takes care of stuff pretty well on its own.


SUNDAY, JULY 23

In case you haven’t noticed, we haven’t dragged Justin Bieber through a pile of garbage and dirty needles in a minute—because there’s been no reason! The former little puke has largely kept his nose clean for the last year or so, which hopefully means he’s finally growing up. But now someone needs to tell China! Apparently they’re not readers of our column, because the country has BANNED Bieber because of his “on and offstage antics.” According to a statement from Beijing’s culture bureau, Biebs has “engaged in a series of bad behaviors... which has caused discontent among the public.” They added that excluding Bieber from China will help in the bureau’s continuing quest to “purify” its country’s performing arts. Wait... “purify”? That sounds pretty “eugenics-y” to us! Sure, Bieber peed in a restaurant mop bucket, flipped off a picture of Bill Clinton, egged his neighbor’s house, drag raced in a residential neighborhood, insulted Anne Frank, climbed on Mexico’s ancient ruins, was carried up the Great Wall of China by his bodyguards, and abandoned his pet monkey, but what’s so “unpure” about... about... okay, fine. Let’s revisit the subject in 2020.